Hi everyone
I just wanted to stop in and thank you all for your lovely messages. It's been a really hard couple of days but I wanted to let you all know what happened as you've been so kind and generous with your support these last couple of months, and the last week or so especially.
I got a call late Tuesday afternoon to say that he was having trouble breathing and that our brilliant vet was with him, taking care of him but it wasn't good. She called me back half an hour later to say that he was in an oxygen tent and they'd done a chest x-ray (which they'd been planning to do but were waiting for him to be more stable so he could be anaesthetised) that had shown bad things in his lungs that might have been a chest infection, or pneumonia or cancer. I had to make a decision about resuscitation and agreed with our vet that she shouldn't put him through too much. They put him on antibiotics but it was too late. We got a call an hour and a half later to say he hadn't made it. Our poor vet was as distraught as we were, she was clearly shocked by how suddenly things had happened.
It was such a huge shock. We're trying to piece our hearts back together. Everywhere I turn in the house is another reminder of where he's not and his things seem to be everywhere. I am so full of contradictory feelings; relieved he's not suffering anymore as he'd been so sad these last couple of months, so full of guilt that he spent his last few days in hospital being prodded and poked and that his last few hours must have been scary. Wishing I'd done more sooner, acted more quickly, pushed harder for more tests, but at the same time glad we didn't know, because if it was cancer we might have put him through more treatment for longer and still lost him. But mostly just so, so sad that his last couple of months were not great, that maybe I could have let him go sooner, I just always thought we could fix him and get our boy back.
I know no amount of shoulda, coulda, woulda's will help at this stage and that in time the happy memories will outweigh the sad ones. He came into our lives at just the point we needed him, not long before we lost hubby's dad, and was with us long enough for us to get back on our feet. I do know that, as sad as we are, we wouldn't have missed a single second of the too short 19 months we had our bear, and that when the time is right again, we've got a lot more love to give another kitty out there that needs us.
I've learned so, so much these last few weeks as part of this amazing community and once my heart has had time to heal a bit, I will continue to pop in from time to time to reassure the newbies and help if I can. In the meantime, all keep doing what you're doing. Just knowing you're all out there constantly helping other people makes the world a better place right now.
Jen, Rich and Alfie Bear
