Re: 12/17 Gracie AMPS 240 +1 269 +2 255 +4 297 +7 325
Roni: thank you...you always bring a smile to my face and laughter to my lips. Nope...carrier wasn't out but Gracie is very intuitive.
Celi: am I not the most AR person you've ever seen in LL? Amidst the stress I put on myself, I try to find the humor mainly so Jill won't want to murder me for being so dang impatient :lol: :lol: Not that I'd blame her!
Miriam: gosh...I don't even know what to say. First, thank you for taking the time to post and write that to me just like Barb has and share Putty's story. You have had quite a journey with him and it continues....and you are always calm. Second..I'm not a crier and I haven't let myself cry over all of this with Gracie....my so beloved baby...but your post did make me cry because of its sincerity and because you let me know I'm not the only one who has been so vehement about why, how, what next, what can I do, what am I not doing that I need to do?
About five years ago, my GA Max was found to have polycystic kidney disease. It was an incidental finding and it is genetic. Max...my heart and soul and a kitty like no other. The specialists told me that if he had lived that long with it, that it wouldn't affect him...it wouldn't be the thing that took him from me so I put on my blinders and went my merry way. Last year at this time, he started losing weight and I took him in and his renal values were abnormal...not crazy but abnormal. I did some research, asked alot of questions...his phosphorus level was at 7...shouldn't we start him on a phosphorus binder? "Oh no...it's normal for an adult". I was giving him squids and herbs and a few other things but I didn't push, I didn't ask enough questions and last Feb, all of his values shot up almost overnight even though he was still eating and playing. I was told he shouldn't be alive with those numbers and the only way to save him was put him in the hospital so I did and he got worse and worse and after three days, I had to help him transition at 3 a.m. on Feb 13 just short of his 13th birthday. Max was a cat who absolutely loved me every bit as much as I love him and he let it show every minute. So now, it's so very hard for me to just accept that there is no answer (for questions on any of the cats) because I'm afraid of those blinders that I so easily would put on again. Could I have chnaged the outcome for Max...no...PKD is very difficult to control once the numbers start going up but, yes, if I had not been so much in denial then there were things I could have done that he would have been with me longer....maybe only a few months but still we would have had more time.
And with Gracie, I'm so afraid if I don't ask, I'll miss something...I'll miss a dose increase that I should have done...I'll miss something that will further compromise her and I just could not bear to have anything happen to her because of my negligence. Truly...I trust you all so much...I do. But I am afraid and I don't know how to let that go yet. I WANT to and I want Gracie to have her life back because even if she is FD her entire life, at least she shouldn't have to deal with a crazy mamabean :lol: :lol: And I want our life back...I just don't know how to find the balance yet. Mike and I are where you and your husband were...it's all about Gracie although we've been trying to go out at least one afternoon and not talk about FD. I have a gym here at home and so many days I just say.."just get up and go lift weights" but I'm so tired (and I know you all are, too). Today I MADE myself do my yoga and aerobics and tomorrow I will again. I know you are right...we have to find the balance or our health will be compromised and then what happens to Gracie.
I am so sorry for being ...pushy, needy, etc....all the things I never am in "real" life. The last thing I want is for all of you who I respect so much to not come to our condo because I'm so impatient and won't listen. I am listening..I am trying to find a way to let go and accept this. I so appreciate all the help, the posts, the support, and the patience with me. Thank you, Miriam, for sharing...and please come to our condo any time and feel free to say what you need to say. And I will say extra prayers for Putty that his pancreas and liver will learn to play well together soon.
Anne: all I can say right now my friend is (((Anne))).