carolynandlatte
Member Since 2009
Hello LL. My apologies for not speaking up sooner. Tonight is the first time I have sat at my computer since maybe Wednesday last week. I have been able to read some of your heart felt responses from my phone. Between my phone capacity and feeling so overwhelmed I have not had a chance to read them all. I WILL be reading them, but it may take time. Please know they do NOT go unappreciated.
I am having a hard time, as expected. No matter how you prepare, you can never be ready enough. One thing I did not factor in was the amount of time I spent caring for Latte, and what I am suppose to do with that time now. Down the road, I know I will fill my time well. I have plans. But right now, its very difficult. This is the first time I have been completely alone in all of my 39yrs. I have been riding my bike to/from work the last few days because I wake up not knowing how to spend my morning. I have LOTS of extra time, so I leave. I don’t want to be in this house. The physcial exercise has been good for me. I went to a support group last night, which was a good excuse to cry more and be out of the house. Ive gotten out to wander around stores, driven the long way home from places, and met up with a friend for a cocktail at one point. Ive slowly reconnected with a few people each day – apologizing for my complete absence in life the last 9 months and letting them know I will be emerging. So far my friends have been well receptive and supportive. My eyes continue to be swollen and red. Im not having an easy time sleeping. The appetite is there, but Im finding it very difficult to eat at home and often forget once Im out of the house. I spend most of my time on the back porch when I am home. its extremely hard to drag myself in the house after I have been gone. My first reaction is to go check on Latte. Then I have to go through all the mental stuff about her not being there, but dbl checking to make sure its real as soon as I walk in.
I will continue to go to the pet loss support group. Ive connected with the UofM vet clinic/social worker, who gave me a phone number to call 24/7 (specific to pet loss), as well as a local counseling center dealing with pet loss/grief. Of all the ‘issues’ Ive had to address in my life, this is one I will not be shameful of. My experience was intense, and Im not going to let it finish me. It certainly will be a challenge. But if Latte taught me anything, its how strong I CAN be when facing difficulties. So in her honor I will continue to mourn and grieve as long as needed, but I WILL learn how to move on with my life as I keep her in my heart.
I have not talked about all of the events that led to my decision. Just my little panic with the A/C. I hope its okay for me to share. Im assuming many of you would like to know. Ive found it easier to talk rather than write, for the first time in my life. Tonight I decided I might be ready to write it out. Its probably better to do so while it is still pretty fresh. If you are extra sensitive at the moment, you may or may not want to read this part. Just a warning. I will end the italicized type when its safe to start reading again….
I posted last Thursday that Latte and I did not have a good day, and nothing more. I felt something was really wrong that day, but was still hanging on to hope from that miraculous walking she did after the acupunture. She was not very responsive, not eating/drinking, not asking for help or things she needed, she ended up in her LB half in/half out a few times which broke my heart. Any time I would try to help, she let out ear curdling screams. Her eyes were not right, and she was having full body twitches like I had never seen before. I called the A/C for an emergency appt, but she never got back to me. In retrospect, I think her definate dying process started at least on that day. Im guessing she rallied on Friday (her bday), due to the hussle and bussle of taking her to work. Adrenilin. She did not eat well that day or night. She was having a severe episode of nausea. I gave her extra pepcid (above the recommended amount – per vets instructions) which helped, but she still would not eat. She was also peeing remarkably less during these two days and the last day. She had a deep, calm sleep Friday night from what I could tell.
I woke Saturday a.m. to her laying against her LB with little rabbit pellet poops all around her. Absolutely heart breaking looking into her eyes. She ate pretty well for bfast, but something was very wrong in her eyes. I was stressed about what I would do next week if she couldn’t care for herself. I knew bringing her to work was not going to be good. I asked her to please, if she didn’t have another miracle in her to start walking again to give it to me…to help me know what I need to do. Within an hour it was very clear. I knew she wasn’t going to walk again. I had known this after a few day with little improvement, but I ignored my heart. She always rallied. That’s what she was going to do this time, right? I called her clinic and asked if anyone would come in on Sunday because selfishly I was not ready to let her go by their 1pm closing time. They said no. I decided on Monday. We could spend the weekend together to say good bye. In the mean time I scraped up penny, dime, nickel, etc I could find in the house and got as much cash as I possibly could out of the bank…just in case I had to go to the ER. Unfortunately after getting the price from the U, not even my efforts of scraping were going to be enough. She would have to wait until Monday no matter what.
Latte spent her entire day laying on her side under a cover. She gave me very little eye contact, or acknowledged when I came in or left the room. She didn’t want to eat or drink past mid morning (this includes the chicken, baby food, yogurt…all the treats she had been loving). She was not peeing like I would have expected. She was a little too accepting of having me lay next to her, alternating between petting her head and resting my hand gently on or over her side. Her eyes continued to stay fully dialated, where I could see no coloring. I now believe it was not all the bupe doing this. It was pain and preparing to leave. It was BEFORE the a/c called that I was doubting my decision about bringing her to the vet earlier in the day. It was too late now. Shortly after my doubting, the a/c did call…stating latte felt she was in the process of leaving her body and would like some help. Soon after the call Latte began the full body twitching even worse. Here eyes were going back behind her head again, and she would not wake easily if I tried. There was no choice at this point, so it seemed.
Amy was over twice that day. Both times Latte perked up and ate treats, along with drinking some milk/water mixture. She ate TONS of temptations before we left. She ate some on the way, and while we were waiting for the dr. She was very calm and didn’t seem scared or too stressed, like she normally does at the vet. I left her in her carrier, because I knew it would hurt too much if I held her. That broke my heart, but it was not about me at this point…it was her. I didn’t want her last moment being even more uncomfortable. She was very hissy when they tried to flush the line they put in. I begged her to be calm, sitting next to her, petting her soft ear. I told her how much I loved her and placed my hand on her head (no petting). She immediately relaxed in a very strange way. I asked if they had given her “the” shot and the dr said no. Latte just got calm once I touched her head, because ‘she knew;. The dr gave the next shot, flushed the line again, and said she was gone. I have a hard time with that moment, and the one to follow of me looking at her. Nothing went wrong. It was all right. But it haunts me.
I want to thank all of you for your love and support in the last 9-10 months. There is no doubt I could not have kept her with a decent QOL during her FD without you all. I read what Pat wrote in her condo the other day, and Ive skimmed though to keep an eye on a lot of you…only to hear you voice sadness in your own condo. It makes me cry more, to be honest. You are all so genuine, and I know are deeply saddened by this loss as well. I just cant wrap my head around how a little sweetheart like her could affect so many people. Hundreds of email and messages between you guys and the CRF group I belong to. I have yet to tell some people because it is so overwhelming. She had a purpose. That is certain!
I hope to continue her purpose and legacy. She has had her own bank account for 3yrs, after a small settlement with Metacam. Its been slim to nothing the last 6+months because I couldn’t afford to put anything in there as I tried to keep up with the constant problems occuring.. But I will continue to put ‘x’ amount into that account forever. I will donate this money where I see it will help an individual, as so many helped us. It was suggested last night at the support group I contact the media about the issues I was knee deep in before Latte’s FD dx regarding not just metacam, but the fda, and finding a way to mandate informed consent with animals. I bursted in tears when they said that because I always promised her when she was gone that would be one of the first things I do. I had to wait until she was gone to really push because I didn’t want to get ostricized by vets…she needed care. If anyone is interested in more info on what I have done, reasoning, and plans, etc please let me know. It’s a side of me I never revealed because I was so wrapped up in Latte’s stuff the last year. Of course, I will also be donating any left over supplies. I have some folks in mind who I think may be able to use some of what we had. By all means, if you know of someone OR you ARE that someone…PLEASE contact me privately.
About 2yrs ago I made a slide show for Latte because I knew I would not be able to do so in grief. Im glad I did it. These are all photos from the last 3.5 yrs since she had the ARF. I could edit it and add some of her famous grass photos, but I just don’t have it in me. Some of the pictures are when she is not well, others are not. Strangely, none of it is linear. Its well reflective of how some months she would struggle, and then suddenly be fine…and go round and round. Enjoy!
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?...in_id=1603&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Just noticed another one w/ more recent photos, and some of the same as the other...
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?...in_id=1603&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Its bittersweet ending here. I do feel better after putting into writing for the first time some of what happened and the positive things I can do because of Latte. Yet, Im in full on tears because I kept getting up every 10-15minutes to want to check on her….and she is not here!!!!!!!! Every time I hit submit on one of her condos I would go give her a kiss and tell her what a good girl she was. I don’t know what Im suppose to do once I hit submit this time.
Biggest Hugs to all of you! THANK YOU for being part of this journey with us.
:YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG:
I am having a hard time, as expected. No matter how you prepare, you can never be ready enough. One thing I did not factor in was the amount of time I spent caring for Latte, and what I am suppose to do with that time now. Down the road, I know I will fill my time well. I have plans. But right now, its very difficult. This is the first time I have been completely alone in all of my 39yrs. I have been riding my bike to/from work the last few days because I wake up not knowing how to spend my morning. I have LOTS of extra time, so I leave. I don’t want to be in this house. The physcial exercise has been good for me. I went to a support group last night, which was a good excuse to cry more and be out of the house. Ive gotten out to wander around stores, driven the long way home from places, and met up with a friend for a cocktail at one point. Ive slowly reconnected with a few people each day – apologizing for my complete absence in life the last 9 months and letting them know I will be emerging. So far my friends have been well receptive and supportive. My eyes continue to be swollen and red. Im not having an easy time sleeping. The appetite is there, but Im finding it very difficult to eat at home and often forget once Im out of the house. I spend most of my time on the back porch when I am home. its extremely hard to drag myself in the house after I have been gone. My first reaction is to go check on Latte. Then I have to go through all the mental stuff about her not being there, but dbl checking to make sure its real as soon as I walk in.
I will continue to go to the pet loss support group. Ive connected with the UofM vet clinic/social worker, who gave me a phone number to call 24/7 (specific to pet loss), as well as a local counseling center dealing with pet loss/grief. Of all the ‘issues’ Ive had to address in my life, this is one I will not be shameful of. My experience was intense, and Im not going to let it finish me. It certainly will be a challenge. But if Latte taught me anything, its how strong I CAN be when facing difficulties. So in her honor I will continue to mourn and grieve as long as needed, but I WILL learn how to move on with my life as I keep her in my heart.
I have not talked about all of the events that led to my decision. Just my little panic with the A/C. I hope its okay for me to share. Im assuming many of you would like to know. Ive found it easier to talk rather than write, for the first time in my life. Tonight I decided I might be ready to write it out. Its probably better to do so while it is still pretty fresh. If you are extra sensitive at the moment, you may or may not want to read this part. Just a warning. I will end the italicized type when its safe to start reading again….
I posted last Thursday that Latte and I did not have a good day, and nothing more. I felt something was really wrong that day, but was still hanging on to hope from that miraculous walking she did after the acupunture. She was not very responsive, not eating/drinking, not asking for help or things she needed, she ended up in her LB half in/half out a few times which broke my heart. Any time I would try to help, she let out ear curdling screams. Her eyes were not right, and she was having full body twitches like I had never seen before. I called the A/C for an emergency appt, but she never got back to me. In retrospect, I think her definate dying process started at least on that day. Im guessing she rallied on Friday (her bday), due to the hussle and bussle of taking her to work. Adrenilin. She did not eat well that day or night. She was having a severe episode of nausea. I gave her extra pepcid (above the recommended amount – per vets instructions) which helped, but she still would not eat. She was also peeing remarkably less during these two days and the last day. She had a deep, calm sleep Friday night from what I could tell.
I woke Saturday a.m. to her laying against her LB with little rabbit pellet poops all around her. Absolutely heart breaking looking into her eyes. She ate pretty well for bfast, but something was very wrong in her eyes. I was stressed about what I would do next week if she couldn’t care for herself. I knew bringing her to work was not going to be good. I asked her to please, if she didn’t have another miracle in her to start walking again to give it to me…to help me know what I need to do. Within an hour it was very clear. I knew she wasn’t going to walk again. I had known this after a few day with little improvement, but I ignored my heart. She always rallied. That’s what she was going to do this time, right? I called her clinic and asked if anyone would come in on Sunday because selfishly I was not ready to let her go by their 1pm closing time. They said no. I decided on Monday. We could spend the weekend together to say good bye. In the mean time I scraped up penny, dime, nickel, etc I could find in the house and got as much cash as I possibly could out of the bank…just in case I had to go to the ER. Unfortunately after getting the price from the U, not even my efforts of scraping were going to be enough. She would have to wait until Monday no matter what.
Latte spent her entire day laying on her side under a cover. She gave me very little eye contact, or acknowledged when I came in or left the room. She didn’t want to eat or drink past mid morning (this includes the chicken, baby food, yogurt…all the treats she had been loving). She was not peeing like I would have expected. She was a little too accepting of having me lay next to her, alternating between petting her head and resting my hand gently on or over her side. Her eyes continued to stay fully dialated, where I could see no coloring. I now believe it was not all the bupe doing this. It was pain and preparing to leave. It was BEFORE the a/c called that I was doubting my decision about bringing her to the vet earlier in the day. It was too late now. Shortly after my doubting, the a/c did call…stating latte felt she was in the process of leaving her body and would like some help. Soon after the call Latte began the full body twitching even worse. Here eyes were going back behind her head again, and she would not wake easily if I tried. There was no choice at this point, so it seemed.
Amy was over twice that day. Both times Latte perked up and ate treats, along with drinking some milk/water mixture. She ate TONS of temptations before we left. She ate some on the way, and while we were waiting for the dr. She was very calm and didn’t seem scared or too stressed, like she normally does at the vet. I left her in her carrier, because I knew it would hurt too much if I held her. That broke my heart, but it was not about me at this point…it was her. I didn’t want her last moment being even more uncomfortable. She was very hissy when they tried to flush the line they put in. I begged her to be calm, sitting next to her, petting her soft ear. I told her how much I loved her and placed my hand on her head (no petting). She immediately relaxed in a very strange way. I asked if they had given her “the” shot and the dr said no. Latte just got calm once I touched her head, because ‘she knew;. The dr gave the next shot, flushed the line again, and said she was gone. I have a hard time with that moment, and the one to follow of me looking at her. Nothing went wrong. It was all right. But it haunts me.
I want to thank all of you for your love and support in the last 9-10 months. There is no doubt I could not have kept her with a decent QOL during her FD without you all. I read what Pat wrote in her condo the other day, and Ive skimmed though to keep an eye on a lot of you…only to hear you voice sadness in your own condo. It makes me cry more, to be honest. You are all so genuine, and I know are deeply saddened by this loss as well. I just cant wrap my head around how a little sweetheart like her could affect so many people. Hundreds of email and messages between you guys and the CRF group I belong to. I have yet to tell some people because it is so overwhelming. She had a purpose. That is certain!
I hope to continue her purpose and legacy. She has had her own bank account for 3yrs, after a small settlement with Metacam. Its been slim to nothing the last 6+months because I couldn’t afford to put anything in there as I tried to keep up with the constant problems occuring.. But I will continue to put ‘x’ amount into that account forever. I will donate this money where I see it will help an individual, as so many helped us. It was suggested last night at the support group I contact the media about the issues I was knee deep in before Latte’s FD dx regarding not just metacam, but the fda, and finding a way to mandate informed consent with animals. I bursted in tears when they said that because I always promised her when she was gone that would be one of the first things I do. I had to wait until she was gone to really push because I didn’t want to get ostricized by vets…she needed care. If anyone is interested in more info on what I have done, reasoning, and plans, etc please let me know. It’s a side of me I never revealed because I was so wrapped up in Latte’s stuff the last year. Of course, I will also be donating any left over supplies. I have some folks in mind who I think may be able to use some of what we had. By all means, if you know of someone OR you ARE that someone…PLEASE contact me privately.
About 2yrs ago I made a slide show for Latte because I knew I would not be able to do so in grief. Im glad I did it. These are all photos from the last 3.5 yrs since she had the ARF. I could edit it and add some of her famous grass photos, but I just don’t have it in me. Some of the pictures are when she is not well, others are not. Strangely, none of it is linear. Its well reflective of how some months she would struggle, and then suddenly be fine…and go round and round. Enjoy!
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?...in_id=1603&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Just noticed another one w/ more recent photos, and some of the same as the other...
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?...in_id=1603&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url
Its bittersweet ending here. I do feel better after putting into writing for the first time some of what happened and the positive things I can do because of Latte. Yet, Im in full on tears because I kept getting up every 10-15minutes to want to check on her….and she is not here!!!!!!!! Every time I hit submit on one of her condos I would go give her a kiss and tell her what a good girl she was. I don’t know what Im suppose to do once I hit submit this time.
Biggest Hugs to all of you! THANK YOU for being part of this journey with us.
:YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG:
