My sweet angel baby has crossed

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smokeymay

Member Since 2012
RIP sweet sweet angel. I love you more than anything or anyone I've known.

After I found out about the lowered body temp, I called the vet frantically to arrange to put her to sleep ASAP, as it was then that I knew she would not make it. I don't think he got the messages in time. He checked on her late at night, then very early in the morning, and she was gone. He said she died peacefully in her sleep. I came in the morning anyway, to spend time with her after she was gone. I kissed her and pet her silky soft fur. She did look very peaceful.

I can only hope I did right by her. Everyone says what a great mom I was to her, and the vet says he hopes I don't wait too long before getting another cat, but guilt stops me. My angel was unique in the world, and not only am I devoted to her, but I feel so guilty for wondering whether I made the right choices for her. I think the vet gently tried to tell me that putting her to sleep would be the humane thing to do, as she was too thin, weak, and her kidneys had progressed so rapidly that she would not make it, but it was difficult to process this because it was such heavy info. I thought that once correctly diagnosed, we'd be able to treat her kidneys. I am fortunate in that the vet says she did not suffer, but it pains me that I was not able to see her the day before she died (which I felt was what made her start wanting to shut down). The vet reminded me that I had had many long visits with her this week, and that she was probably too out of it to really think or dwell on it. That night, as I tossed and turned, I felt she was on the verge of crossing (I felt that in my heart). I told her she didn't have to wait for me, if she wanted to that was fine, but I just wanted her to be at peace. She listened.

My heart is ripped into a million shreds. This cat is my daughter, my best friend, the thing that mattered most to me in this world. I can only hope I was as good a friend to her as she was to me.... gentle, devoted, loyal, and generally worshipped me. The house is so empty and lonely, and no other animal can replace her presence. My sweet sweet Smokey. May your spirit soar, and hopefully hover around mommy whenever you wish.
 
I am so sorry for your loss I know the pain you are going through only too well...I had the same debate with myself about Tuffy, was I keeping her here for me was she suffering should I PTS and the biggest did I do what was right by her. Know this your girl knew you loved her and that she loved you and she is happy and no longer in pain. This is what I keep telling myself. The pain is so great but I know she is at peace playing and happy. Fly free little kitty rb_icon wings_cat
 
We are all so sorry for your loss. I try to prepare myself for the inevitable every day, but it just isn't possible when we love our babies so much.

I can only hope that my kitty goes on her own and I don't need to make the awful decision. Although you feel bad that you had to take her to the vet, I hope you can take solace in knowing that you didn't need to take action and then be wracked with guilt wondering if you ended her life too soon.

I fully believe that our babies indeed know how much we love and care for them. I think it's helpful to believe that this memory is their last thought.

Obviously, your baby had wonderful love from you. That is evidenced by your vet hoping you don't wait too long to bring another kitty into your loving home. I know that would be a tough thing for me to do, and I'm considering when that time comes, I will foster kitties from the local shelters for a while. I can't imagine replacing my wonderful girl, but certainly, I will have some love to provide to other deserving kit-cats.

I hope your heart heals more every day and that you will be left with noting but wonderful memories.

Warm hugs, DZ and Sarah
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. Big Tears in reading your post.
She knew how much you loved her. She will be waiting for your at the bridge to join her one day with lots of kisses headbutts and purrs.

Fly Free Beautiful One.

Your mommy misses you so.
 
So, so sorry for your loss. Your sweetie sounded really sick and you did your best. Please don't feel guilty. You gave her many good years she might not have had. Hugs.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. You did everything you possibly could to save her, hoping everyday she would make a recovery. Fly free Smokey girl.

Terri
 
Dear May,

At last, you know you did the best you could for Smokey, but she was ready to leave this world. I was so hoping and praying that you might have made it over to see her one last time, but that can't always be the way.

Take care, and know that my heartfelt condolences are with you and that your sweet baby is now an angel that will be with you always in your heart. She is at peace.

(((((((HUGS))))))),
Jean and Charcoal (GA) rb_icon wings_cat rb_icon
 
I'm so sorry she's gone and you're left with a broken heart. Know that she is free from pain and will always be with you in spirit. Please don't second guess your decisions. You always had the best of intentions at heart and only wanted the best for Smokey. You ARE a good Mamabean and did all you could - she knows that. Many cats never know that kind of love. Fly free little one wings_cat
 
Thanks for your support. I write with a heavy heart. I don't know how to put this into words, but Smokey was my soulmate and everyone that knew us commented that we were extremely attuned to one another, and the connection between us was stronger than any they had ever seen before. I'd have been willing to give up anything, even my career and health (to a certain extent) for her. She was my one constant positive, reinforcing person in my life. Without her my life is empty and there is nothing I want to strive for any more. Even though the vet said get another cat, I can't. It won't repair what has been lost. Oh, how I wish I had more than 4 years of good health with Smokey (since she was an adopted baby). I hope she knew mommy never gave up on her and was with her to the end... even if I couldn't be there physically. I can't get out of the guilt that by stopping her insulin I sentenced her to death. I would have done anything for her. I've lost a cat before and it was nothing like this, even though it was sad. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt or feeling that I was responsible, or that I messed up at the end and should have listened to my vet and put her to sleep sooner. My poor poor angel. I just truly hope that she really is in a better place now and understands how I had good intentions for her.
 
She understands. If you were so attuned with each other, then she understands.
I hope that one day, she will send a little tyke of a kitty that needs your love, to you.
You and Smokey will be together again, someday. That's the way soulmates are. She'll be waiting for you at the bridge.
Someday, when you look down, at that little kitten or cat that you took in that she sent you to love, she will be smiling. I know your hurt. I still weep from time to time about a soulmate horse I lost about 20 years ago. Thinking if only I could have done more. Don't beat yourself up, but I know you may. I feel your sadness. I know how you feel.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
 
I am so sorry. I have been following your posts and have been praying for you. Smokey will always be a part of your soul and she will wait until the day you are both reunited.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
 
Rest in peace Smokey. You did everything you could for her, and she had a peaceful passing and knew you were near and would return. Wishing you comfort over the holidays and hoping your sadness soon is replaced with fond memories of her presence and your time together.
 
Ooh I am so sorry for your loss. . And don't feel guilty you waited, it gave you a few more cherished moments together.

You did your very best for her and she knew that

I read that the best tribute to your old pet is to get a new one as it shows how much you really enjoyed having the pet, so much you want another. Although it would never be a replacement, it could bring you joy. But only when you are ready.

Sending many hugs at this difficult time.
 
Thanks, I know it's a good way of looking at it. With Smokey, it's not that she was a cat. It's that she was a special person.

I am just now starting to realize how right my vet was, and how hard it must have been to follow through with my instructions, knowing she had no chance. I didn't understand that. I had him force feed her slight amounts of baby food. My poor poor little angel. I thought it would help her. I never saw her again after Saturday, and she looked absolutely stricken when I left. I said, "don't worry honey baby," stuck my finger briefly int he cage (she was not impressed, I'd already closed the door), and spoke to the vet about cleaning up. Never a good-bye.... I should have put her down then. I'd had a nice more than 3 hour visit with her... all waiting did was torture her with treatments and a very low body temperature and she never saw me again. That's why she had to go.... nothing left for her to live for. :( I can't help feeling guilty. Everyone says to just focus on her being in a better place right now. But I feel badly for my cat and also the vet, and how hard that must have been for him. With my first cat, I was sad but in time I got happy memories. With this.... we had so many cherished and special memories and for some reason what comes up instead is guilt. I know that's not how she would want me to feel.
 
Don't beat yourself up about the vet. He could have been firmer and clearer with you and really I don't think he was 100% sure himself based on what he said about her yesterday perking up.plus he is running a business, this isn't personal to him.

You would have felt guilty either way. If you put her down a few days ago, you would have felt guilty and worried that you did it too early and that she may have been able to recover and that you didn't give her that chance.

She saved you the pain of making the decision. She made the decision herself and passed peacefully in her sleep.
 
Wendy & Tiggy,

Your last sentence is *exactly* what the vet told me.

With the vet, he was trying his best to be clear. He was telling me, quite plainly, that my cat wasn't going to make it, and he recommended "making a difficult decision" as he put it. But he saw that I was not comprehending, that perhaps I was in denial and tripping on guilt that I'd caused the DKA, and he had to balance some of his sentences. With low body temp, when I asked what that meant, he said, "I am afraid that means her condition is advancing." I needed him to just spell it out for me and say that means she is preparing to die. He knew her perky behavior wasn't indicative of real progress, but I think he told me that to give me some good news and make me realize she wasn't suffering.

Yeah, the vet said I'd have felt guilty either way too. But, that Sunday night two hours after he called and I learned what low body temp meant, I knew 100% that I wanted to put her down.... unfortunately I don't think the vet got those messages in time. When I spoke on the phone with him I didn't process what he said right away.... if I had thought to press him more and ask what he thought I should do, I probably could have gotten him to agree to see me that night to put her to sleep.... then I could have seen her one more time and spared her that time with a lowering body temp.

True, he does stay professional, but he is also very caring and compassionate and gentle with the animals. I think while it wasn't personal, he knew that keeping my baby alive would be painful to me and to her, and so he did try to point to the reality every step of the way. He did what I asked him to, but he himself is also an animal person, and I think it must have hurt on some level.... both knowing it was nothing but cruel for the animal and also, that I was keeping my hopes up, and he knew ultimately I'd be even more hurt. So I do regret not going there Sunday to put her down. His phone call, I think, was an attempt to give me that chance.

I know deep in my heart that she prepared to die Sunday because I hadn't visited. The vet said he was shocked she lasted as long as she did.... I told him my precious baby was waiting for me. All she ever wanted in life was constant company from her mommy. She didn't play, she didn't bite, she didn't scratch. She pet me, she hugged me, she sat on me, she loved me, she worshipped me, and just wanted nothing more in life than to be with me, every second of every day. Even at her worst, when one day she couldn't lift her head, she still managed to snuggle it against my hand while I petted her. During one of her crashes, she could barely walk, but used every ounce of strength to go upstairs and push open my door, so she could lay on the floor of my bedroom and be with me. Heart of gold. I had the perfect cat, and I wanted to be the perfect mommy for her. For most of the time I had her, I was.
 
I don't think our babies are looking for perfection from us, they are looking for our love .... something you gave her in abundance. You can second guess everything and drive yourself crazy, it doesn't help. Love is so full of magic but the special love that exists between an animal and us humans, is priceless.

She knew you loved her and you knew she loved you .... that is something some people never have. At times like these when the pain is so bad I like to reflect on all the love we shared. I have been lucky, I have had many magical animals and right now the deep bond I share with Payne has turned into pure love. But one day I will need to also say goodbye and I can feel stirrings of the pain already.

We feel your pain ..... on this board are the most caring people I have ever know and each and every one of us feels your pain. Don't dwell on the what if's, just remember how lucky you have been to have shared her love,
my heart goes out to you.
Nancy
 
Yes, love is what I meant. I was the perfect mother for her because I smothered her with love, and gave her lots of constant company, which is what she craved. I certainly wasn't a perfect person.... but we were each exactly what the other needed.

I know exactly how lucky I was. I cherished every day. I always knew that when she passed I would be losing my best friend and it would be difficult or even impossible to carry on. I just didn't realize it would be this soon. I feel as though I have no soul left. I gave it to her. She was the one thing that really kept me going. I really hope one day we can be reunited. I'm having her cremains delivered to me and will keep them in my room so she can be with me every night, which is what she loved. One day, I will have her cremains buried with me so that we can be together forever and ever.... I always told her her mommy loves her, forever and ever.
 
"I am fortunate in that the vet says she did not suffer, but it pains me that I was not able to see her the day before she died (which I felt was what made her start wanting to shut down)."

It's normal to have pain in your heart because you weren't there for your sweet baby, but do take comfort in the fact that Smokey didn't suffer. You weren't able to be with her, but it's doubtful that it would have made a difference.

My own experience - my Buffy shut down in much the same way as your Smokey - with a drastic drop in her body temp - yet I was with her every minute, rushing her to the vet and the E-vet with anything that seemed abnormal. The vets gave cerenia on several occasions in case she had nausea - and I assist-fed, administered subq fluids, gave vitamins and antibiotics, trying everything I knew to do for her. I even made myself a bed on the floor next to her so I'd know if she needed anything at all, but I lost her anyway to what I can only assume was her diabetes, because her blood work and x-rays were normal.

What you're experiencing - all of the doubts and the guilt feelings you're having - seems to be a normal part of the grief process and will take time.

Nancy ~ (Buffy will forever be my heart kitty)
 
Smokey has already forgiven you. It's up to you to forgive yourself. I know from experience, similar to yours, that it seems impossible...I know...It's a long road.

May peace find and follow you always,
jeanne
 
I am so sorry for your loss and there are really no words of comfort. I know this from also losing a kitty soul mate and many other kitties that I love with all my heart.

But you must forgive yourself. Guilt is a part of the grieving process but you should acknowledge it and then try to let it go. You cannot change anything and your Smokey is with you and knows you always acted out of pure love for her.

One day, you might be ready to give that same special love to another kitty. Let your heart guide you. It won't be the same and you won't be replacing her ...ever. But you will save another life like you did hers when you adopted her and you will give another kitty the chance to know pure love.
 
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful kitty. Grief is the hardest form of love to bear. I sincerely hope you can take comfort in the memories that you have; and I hope too that one day your heart will be open to finding a new feline friend to love and care for.

Eliz x
 
I am so sorry. It's almost impossible not to feel guilty in this situation, but you did the absolute best you knew how for her, and she must have known she was loved. Take care of yourself. Only you can know when you are ready for another cat. Whether that time comes quickly, or after a long time has passed, the cat you adopt will be a lucky one. And if that time never comes. . . .I trust your judgment. You will know what is right.
 
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