my cat just died

one of my cats died after a long undiagnosed illness. he got horrible vet care here locally and it was too late by the time i took him to a specialist yesterday. i was mostly my fault but a lot of it was the vet's fault too. i went in over and over and over again and asked them if it was cancer and they kept saying no even though he kept wasting.
he is laying on the bed behind me.
i havne't cired yet. i don't want to cry. it would be too painful to let out grief. i want to keep it inside like it never happened.
he died in my arms as i was taking him out to the car in the middle of the night to the vet. i left him too long. i should have taken him sooner but i was very conflicted at the end. i knew he was dying but i didn't want him to die at the vet. his heart was still beating slightly when i got there but he wasn't breathing. but when i left the vet said that it was not. he still has sounds inside of his stomacha nd i wonder if he has a faint heart beat. the vet said there wasn't one but there are still sounds in his body.
his body is ravaged by what probably is cancer. it is sickening what happened to him. it is my fault. he was a beatiful gentle cat. i loved him very much so much but i let him down.
i don't want to feel anything. i don't want to believe it is real. i should have let him go to the vet to die but i didn't want to.
i don't want to have animals anymore. the veterinarians here are so bad and cruel that it makes it a nightmare.
i feel so bad about my cat that i don't want to think about what just happened even though he is lying right there.
i guess eventually i will feel the pain but i don't want to.
i don't know what to do. now it is starting to come out. i don'thave anyone to talk to now.
i took emergency annual leave yesterday to take care of him. today i am calling in sick.
the day before i took him to a specialist. she said he was good to go with pred and lukaren and sent me home with him.
the next night i found him in a near coma on the ground.
i took him to the emergency vet. he did blood work and he extememrly low on his red and white counts.
i brought in his brother a few hours later and they did a blood transfusion. it didn't work. when i brought him home yesterday he was worse.
i could tell he was dying.
i watched him laying there. i kept calling the emergency tech and dr. and asking what to do .
they said that they had done everything they could for him.
they said all that i could do was take him out of town 3 hour drive again to see a specialist. i had planned to do that today but he didn't make it.
i didn't think that he would but i hoped.
vets never gave me a diagnosis even though i spent hundreds of dollars on bloodwork, ultrasound, xray, etc.
i think he had bone marrow cancer. the weird thing is that i thought he had that months ago and i expressed my concern to the vet and he said he didn't think he had cancer.
i should have goe to a specilist months ago but i didn't. ultimately it is my fault.
i don't konw what esle to say now.
i feel sick.
i don't want to feel my felelings because they are so painful i feel like i will be completely swept away by them. i will have to live with the guilt the rest of my life.
i know people here will understand.
i have gotten no sleep since yesterday at 4:40 am when i took him in to emergency. and i have eaten almost nothing;
i hate mysefl i could have saved him. i am so overwhelmed. i just let him down.
if i want to know what he died of i have to put him in the freezer at some point for the weekend. i don't know if i can do that. but i want to know what he died of.
i am crying now. i just feel like ****. crying just makes it worse.
him dying and the lack of sleep and food is making me extremely depressed. i don't think i can put him in the freezer. i'd be afraid he was still alive somehow and it is sickening. if i don't do that i will never know what he had.

 

Oh, Sara, I am so sorry this happened to you and your kitty. But please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you really tried very hard to get help for him from several vets and they were not able to give help to you. Such a traumatic experience will take some time for you to process and ultimately come to peace with. Maybe it will help you, in a few days, to write letters to the vets and tell them how devastating this whole time was. If you really feel they were negligent, you can report them to your state licensing board.

If I were you, I would call the emergency vet and ask what steps you could take today to ensure that an autopsy is done. (It sounds like that is what you want - to find out whether he had cancer or not) Maybe knowing will ease your mind.

 

thank you for replying. i was waiting for someone to write i feel so alone and devasted. there are no words. the pain is unbelievable.
you are right. i wouldn't write letters to my local vets though because they are aholes but i should report them. because i knew better it was ultimately my fault but still when you go to a vet you are going to someone who is supposed to be trained to guide you in how to keep you animal healthy. they just were grosssly incompetent to the point of i sometimes wonder if they were doing it purposefully.
my cat was slowing wasting and until almost the very end they wouldn't even consider the possiblity of cancer when all along i thought it was.
i think it was also lack of money and time and being overwhelmed that made me not want to rush to a specialist out of town but still it's no excuse. i knew better.
i really hate feeling sad and grief. i really hate that i have to go through this again and again. it scares me because i still have a lot of cats and i can't keep going through this.
i should put him in the freezer later for the autospy. i can't do it now. i have a really hard time with my cats dying and i have a hard time burying/creamating their bodies because they are sacred to me.
thanks again.

 

Sara,
I'm so sorry that this happened. I do know what you're going through. I had the same experience with one of my cats years ago, although her death was more sudden and she hadn't lost noticeable weight. Then years later the same vet mistreated Angel before I finally took her to the specialist, who became her only vet from then on.

It sounds like you want an autopsy, to understand what happened. I felt the same way about my cat who died suddenly, but my husband was very upset about the idea of an autopsy, and he just wanted to bury her and get it over with, so I didn't pursue it. Since you still have your cat's brother, there might be something helpful to learn if it could have a genetic component, or in any case knowing what happened might help you to interpret the early signs better in another cat. But either way, do you think you could take your cat back to the regular vet or emergency clinic to store his body before that, so you don't have to put him in your own freezer? That seems a reasonable request to me.

There are many grief support resources out there, like hotlines where you can talk to an actual person about how you're feeling. I know how hard it is to deal with this kind of anguish, and sometimes message boards don't give feedback soon enough. You might find some help here:

http://www.pet-loss.net/links.shtml

There's a list of hotlines at the bottom of the page.

I hope you can find peace in your heart and realize that you did the best you could with what you knew.

 

thank you for replying. this horrilble ton of bricks of grief is now surfacing in me. which is what i don't want. i don't want to acccept this. that's a good idea about putting him in freezer at vets. they'd prob charge me another $100 to meet them down there and put them in the freezer.
i would never go back to the local vets here if i didn't have to. i wish i could find someone good that wasn't so far away that it was a three hour drive. thanks for the pet loss link.

 

Sara,

I replied over in Grief before I saw this post. You truly did do so much to try to help your boy. Sometimes there really isn't anything we can do, no matter how hard we try. And you DID try, that much is very clear. I know sometimes we want there to be an answer, sometimes we demand answers, and the vets just really can't give them. Same for human doctors.

But listen, I believe that if you want an necropsy then the body can't be frozen. The effect on cells makes it so that it's hard to tell what happened, or even impossible to tell, if the illness is something subtle. Please call the ER and ask them what to do.

Please take the time to love and caress him while you still have him near. I never got to kiss my Min goodbye -- not that he was one to really tolerate kisses -- and I wish I had. Maybe you could comb his fur so that he looks beautiful.

laur

 

Sara, I feel so sorry for you... it is such a terrible loss. My heart goes out to you. I have lost quite a few pets big and small and I have always had the feeling that I could have done more. Your little baby knew that you cared a lot and did everything you could. You took him to the vet so many times. I remember when Sophia got sick and I took her to the vet and he said he could not find anything wrong even though she had lost a lot of weight. I am so sorry that you did not get the help you need.

You are trying to keep it all in. When I had to go through those terrible times I just cried and cried and I felt it helped me more than not to feel sad. it is a a very painful experience and lots of people don't understand it.

Every person deals with such events differently. We are here to help you... I am thinking of you.

 

thank you for understainding. i am starting the crying part now. i hate it. the pain just punches at my chest and i can't stop it. i should have done more but i am completely overwhelmed. he was one of my favorites. so gentle. i love him so much. i love him so much and i let him down. thanks.

 

OMG ((((((((((((((((((((((((SARA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so very sorry. Do NOT blame yourself. It is the hardest thing to go thru, and harder still to know what to do, especially when the people trained to help do not help.

Your feelings about the vets are so negative right now. This will be hard to hear..but if you do not know what to do with the body, there might be a mortuary/crematory that works with pets/pet guardians. We have one here. They could keep the body for you until you know what you want to do. Right now, you do not want to think about it, but if you decide in haste now, you wont be able to undo your decision later.

Wrapping you in many many cyber hugs. Tears are falling here. I know Merlyn is helping your baby in the spirit world, and is flying free now, whole and healthy over the Rainbow Bridge.

 

Oh, Sara, sweetie I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Wrapping you in cyber hugs and crying with you....
I know that there is nothing that I can say, or do right now to help ease your pain, but you need to know that
you did nothing wrong and that you did everything right. You loved your baby and wanted the best for him and that is most important.
The pain WILL ease, but it is going to take time. Some days will be easier to bear than others, and the pain will not feel so overwhelmingly terrible on those days.

Grieve, sweetie - rant, cry, throw things - do whatever you need to do to let the pain out. Don't hold it in because that makes it so much worse when it does come boiling over.

Hugz,

~M

 

thanks everyone for your support. it really means a lot to me. i hurts so bad. it really helps to know other people have gone through the same. i did try hard to help him. i took him in over and over again. and i did love him very very much. it's so unfair. he was only 10 years old. part of me is in total denial and part of me is so sad. i have to get a box for him later. i'm not sure if i am going to go through with the necropsy or not yet. i think it would be good to know what happened but it would just be more trauma.

 

(((sara)))

 

(((((sara))))) we all know :cry:
please don't blame yourself in any way shape or form.
we never like to accept the life cycle and feel somehow responsible for our babies illness or death. that is part of it. for every single one of us. our kitties will die, in our lifetime.
that's why we relate so hard to your grief.
it does'nt matter if you do the autopsy or not.
life is this way.
people don't always chose to get cancer treatment. i can assure you having gone thur it once i would not opt to do it again. if god wants me, here i come.
your baby was loved, so loved, had wonderful comforts, full bellies, happy times, cuddly times, safety and security. what a wonderful life your kitty had. and to die in your arms.
oh, what a joy, yes i said a joy, to die in the arms of the one you love and trust the most in the world. who amoung us would not like to check out that way???
your pain is not going anywhere, you wll feel it. we all feel it with you.

 

now go do your kitty proud and put his body where it will not decay until you decide where to put it next. he is not in it, he is watching you from above.

 

((((((Sara)))))) Oh honey don't blame yourself, you did the very best you could for your furbaby. But no matter how hard we try sometimes it is just their time. I don't think there are any of us here that haven't felt that gut wrenching pain of loving one of our furry kids. Even when it is us how ease their crossings, we still second and third guess ourselves. I wish I remembered which post it was on the grief section on this board that I read after losing my lovely Muse. But it was about the family taking to a small boy about why our pets go on before us. Out of mouths of babes so they say, the little boy said.
I know why dogs and cats leave the earth earlier than humans. when asked why his response was "Because life is about learning how to Love, it takes us humans a long time, but animals know how to do it right away so they don't have to stay as long." I know those words have helped me so much over the last few months.

But also don't hold that grief inside. cry, vent, get angry, whatever it takes, but holding it in only serves to eat you up inside. There are literally hundred cyber arms around you right now hon, and a thousand tears falling around the world. We all share your grief and we will be here whenever you need us as a cyber shoulders to cry on. You are far from alone, we're here, and his brother is with you.

Mel & Muse (GA)

 

Oh! (((((Sarah))))) I’m so sorry!

I know what you are going through….as many of here do. Please don’t blame yourself!!! There is still a lot for our vets to learn about cats. It wasn’t too many years ago that a cat just died and there was no reason. Vets have come a long way since then and there is so much more information and diagnostic tools that maybe we expect too much sometimes.

My CeCe was the same ……. Many trips to the vet with tests and more tests. Other than very slight anemia everything came back perfect. I have a good vet who is kind and caring and he was stumped. I was crazy with wanting to stop his weight loss and wasting away and he gently said to pay attention to what I was putting him through and to remember that some things we have no control over. Despite everything we tried he went down very quickly and we still have no idea why.

I also thought about autopsy but then if we did find out it was something we had overlooked, I would beat myself up forever. I will never know what happened and I feel bad that I put him through all the vet trips and tests.

Please know that we are crying with you and wishing for peace in your heart.

 

((( Sara )))

Sara, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thankfully, your kitty spent his final time with you. I'm sorry his time came when it did and that you feel so responsible. Grief is hard enough without guilt, but you should know that if he was very, very ill there may not have been anything you could have done, other than what you have done - try to get help for him, and just love him any way you can.

I hope you can find comfort knowing that he is no longer sick or in pain and he left this world peacefully, in your arms.

 

thanks everyone for writing. it is hitting me really hard now. harder than it was before. i feel physically ill. i have an intense headache and feel nauseated. i feel like the world has ended. i didn't want to watch him die. i didn't know what else to do. i think he was suffering in the end. i shouldn't have let him suffer. i miss him so bad. my heart will never mend on this one. i have had him since he was born. i still have his mom and 2 brothers but he was my favorite. why is it always the nicest most gentle ones. he never did anything wrong in his whole life. why idid he have to suffer so much. my headache is so bad that it's kind of scary. i wanted to help him so bad and i coudln't. i feel like i can't and don't want to breath because it hurts so much. he never even hissed once in his life, he was that docile. i think i may need to go vomit. i'm really scared of what is happening now. it's just too awful. i feel like i am too weak to deal with this.

 

sara did you put kitty in a good place. you mentioned you did'nt want to put him in the freezer yet. i think it will help if you take care of that. it will put you in motion and give you a sense of taking care of him properly now that he's crossing the bridge. he would want that.

 

((Sara)) --

Do you have anyone with you, friends or family? It can be so helpful to have someone close with you at times like this. I understand how you feel, I also felt sick when I lost my kitties. Our love for them is so deep, and it hurts so much to lose them, but he's still with you in spirit.

We're here with you, too, all wishing we could do more to help. :sad:

 

I am so sorry. Fly free sweet one, you are well loved and will be sorely missed.

 

Sara, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

But stop beating yourself up! You did the best you could. It is NOT your fault! Sometimes it's almost impossible to 'fix' the problem, let alone know what it is. Please remember the happy, healthy times you two had together.

 

thank you so much everyone. i keep checking back here for support. i just keep crying now. i don't know how i can live without him. i'll never be happy again because my cats are my whole world, my heart, everything. somehow i have to find the strenght to go out later and go to the store. i had some speghetti noodles. i feel like i don't deserve to live now that he isn't and i know you all say i shouldn't feel guilty but that is a huge part of it, too. thank you.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat and this awful experience. But, you must know that you did all you thought was right at the time - you can't look back with "I should haves" and "Why didn't I....." I am sure that cat knew nothing but love and care his whole life with you. You HAVE to let this pain out. If you have to, go into a closet, close the door and have one heck of a good scream and cry. Whatever it takes to ease this mental anguish.

I went thru this with a former cat - I felt I didn't do enough for him, but he was going downhill and nothing could make him better. After a while, it helped me a lot to gather his photos together, put a small album together, and donate money in his memory to an animal group. His photo still sits on the dresser after all these years. It sure helps.

Come here and talk if you want to. We understand how you are feeling for that sweet cat.

 

Oh Sara, I am so sorry you had to go thru this.

You need to cry, to let it out, and we are all crying with you. You cry all you need to.
Please don't beat yourself up...it's over now and your sweet Pumpkin is free and in your heart forever.

Fly free Pumpkin!

 

Sara,

You mustn't feel like you don't deserve to live now. You did the best you could, and you didn't let him down, you kept showing him how much you loved him and I'm sure he knew. What about your kitty's mom and brothers? They still need you as much as ever. A heart as big as yours has room for so much love, please don't give in to despair. You're such a special person, just for having the capacity to care about animals like you do. The world needs more people like you.

 

Oh Sara honey, we all know that feeling, but you need to let yourself grieve, it really does help. When my sweet Muse passed I felt guilty as well,I was kicking myself for not seeing the signs sooner, for letting lack of money stand in the way of getting her help sooner, and a thousand of other things that if I had only, or I should have done different, or could have tried. But then I looked into the eyes of my other fur babies and realized they needed me, they needed their mom and the best way I could honor Muse's memory was to make sure the rest of her furry family had their Bean.

I also struggled with if it was better to bury her or have an autopsy done, but at least for me I just couldn't, it may be different for you..so there is no easy answer there. So for myself and my husband we laid our girl to rest in our backyard, she is where she loved best in the flower garden I started last year. She has a lovely rose bush planted in her honor, it has bluish roses that when it blooms next year will serve to remind me of her lovely blue eyes.

Honey, your Buttercup is still with you, only the body that held his soul is gone, he isn't in there anymore, he is alive and well and free from pain and sickness in your heart and memories of him. Those memories will be painful for awhile but soon you will be able to look back at them and hopefully find comfort in the love you two shared.

Mel & Muse (GA)

 

thanks everyone for continuing to support me. i feel really sad and guilty. i forced myself to go the store and bought some food for myself and a box for him and put him in the box in the refrigerator. that was really hard but at least now i have a chance to find out what killed him.
the lady that i was standing next to in line in the supermarket was nice to me and made some chit chat about the weather and i almost broke down and started to bawl but i held it in until i got out the store.
it really helps that people here have been through similar things.
i don't want to think about the good times we have had tog now because it is too painful. even now, i can think of how he used to block the screen when i was using the computer because he liked to sit there with me and now he isn't here. i remember how sometimes it used to annoy me. I would give anything if he would be here blocking the screen right now.
i really can't talk about specifics like that because it is way too painful.
the house is so different now already. i hate it.
i hope he is there somehow still with me looking down.
i wish he could comunicate with me somehow from the other side.
i miss him so much. i don't think i will be able to sleep tonight. he died in my bedroom. he was in pain at the end. i keep thinking of that and it absolutely kills me.
i cut a little of his fur off and saved it. i want to save his whole body but i can't.
that's good advice about thinking of my other cats. it's just none of them are him.
thanks so much for writing to me during this time. it really really helps.

 

sara, your kitty, what was his name? it's not buttercup who crossed is it?
if you and this kitty had the strong bond i think you did, then you must do your baby proud.
you feel guilty, like you should have, could have done more.
your kitty over the rainbow bridge knows the grander reality. In truth, there is limited $ and limited resources. your kitty knows that love is all that he ever wanted. not to live forever not to have you spend your last nickle on every treatment option, just your love.
now if your kitty were alive and could talk what would he say to you? take care of yourself mommie, be strong enough to grieve me but know that i believe in you and felt so very loved and cared for. i did'nt want you to do more, as a cat i'm not afraid of dying and going in your arms was so heavenly. even if you thought i was in pain i just was ready to go. but i will never ever leave your heart. and when your turn comes i will be at the bridge happy, healthy and in purrrfect harmony with all. that is where i am now. please take care of my siblings. they will miss me too. explain that i'm still here like all spirits. you cannot see me, but i am here. i will always be here. awww, they're cats, they will sense me better than you.
((((sara)))))

 

Sweetie, don't be too surprised if he doesn't send you a sign from the otherside...Not sure how or when it will come, but it just may happen. My sweet girl did. She sent me a kitten that needed my help to get her home to her family after her momma was in a bad car accident. I have to believe that it was Muse that had her paw in it, since the kitten turned out to be Muse's very own grand-daughter. I don't expect Buttercup will be able to do the same for you but he just may send you a sign. And Muse wasn't the first of my cats that passed that were able to get me a message. A long time ago another cat of mine Max came to me in a dream. In the dream he could speak, he jumped on my bed like he did when he was a kitten, but this time he said goodbye, that he loved me and he was happy where he was, that it was pretty with nice flowers..at the time I discounted it as just grief playing tricks because on me because he like Muse was buried in the flower garden..Now after Muse I have to think he really was telling me that he was in the meadow at the Rainbow Bridge and that he like Muse will be waiting there for me when I too crossover to join them.

Mel & Muse (GA)

 

6 years ago my tiger was abducted by the coyotes. i was devastated. tom was not living with me yet, he was living as a street cat (i thought)
a week or so later i was in bed and could'nt sleep. i felt footsteps on the bed. swear to god i felt kitty footsteps on the bed. so sure was i that i thought maybe tiger was'nt really caught by the coyotes. i jumped up to look, nothing there. i was stunned really.
could it have been tiger visiting me?
i felt it as sure as i'm typing these words.

 

you're right. my cat's name was pumpkin. buttercup is still with me thank god. when you wrote about seeing pumpkin at the rainbow bridge waiting for me i just started crying and felt this overwhelming relief and feeling of happiness. i would be so happy to see him and all of my animals there that i have lost i think i would die all over again with joy. i think that's neat about the signs that people have been writing about from the animals. thanks for the beautiful words and thoughts you all are sending my way. what a difference it is making. to feel that it was his time to go instead of my fault makes me feel better. i certrainly didn't give him the illness and only wanted him to be healthy and with me for as long as posssible. thank you so much. i am going to try to get some sleep now.

 

Sara,

If the world was perfect our love alone would be enough and none of us would ever lose one of our beloved cats (or for that matter any other animal or person). Sadly the world is an imperfect place and despite our best efforts we sometimes can't manage to save the ones we love no matter what we do.

I asked the vet who put Yittle to sleep if she thought I could have done anything differently regarding his care. She said in her opinion, based on the type of cancer she thought it was the answer was yes - I could have done something differently - I could have spent a hell of a lot more money and still been standing there in front of her having to help him cross the bridge at roughly the same point in time.

You did the best you could, with the funds and knowledge you had available, within the limitations of the care you could find for him locally. Trust that it was enough for them, knowing that you loved them and tried. They don't judge us the way we judge ourselves.

 

((Sara)) -

Just thinking of you and hoping you managed to get some peaceful rest last night.

 

((((((Sara)))))) Pumpkin is at peace, let peace come to you now.

 

Sara I am so very sorry that this has happened to you! It is NOT your fault. You tried to let the vet know that you felt there was something wrong. I would request an autopsy to ease your mind. I wish I had more comforting words, I am just so sad for you that you had to go through this. Please don't hold the feelings in. Everyone recovers in their own way and you do what is right for you. My thoughts are with you.

 

thank you for writing. i did get some sleep last night. i woke up feeling pretty bad though, crying right off the bat. i keep thinking about how it all happened i just keep thinking about that over and over in my mind and how so many things were done wrong by me and by the vets. i know everyone here says to let go of the guilt. i am trying but it's kind of my nature to try to do everything possible for my cats and for some reason with this cat i let it slide more than i normally would. well, i know the reasons, exhaustions, lack of funds, inability to get off work to travel, the local vets telling me he was ok and "just really skinny"... even though i knew better. in a perfect world, if i could go back, i would have taken him to a specialist at least several months ago when i was well aware of his chronic weight loss.

i know you are all sick of hearing me talk about the guilt part of it because you have all so nicely replied and said to let go of that. I guess my mind just cannot let go of that yet. and the way he died at the end i also feel really bad about. i probably should have had him euthanized but he didn't seem to be in pain until about a half an hour or so before he died and then it was aboutg 3 in the morning and i felt like if i picked him up he would have died right away. or that he would have died in the car when i couldn't be holding him like i could at home. and i think i was right about that, actually, but still, i would have to say that was possibly the worse experience of my life, watching him crying out in pain and struggling to breath at the end. when i did take him to emergency after he starting convulsding and had stopped breathing, it took the vet 20 mintues to get there anyway and i had to wait with in the car about 20 mintues. i just held him. his heart was beating faintly still but he wasn't breathing. if he would have been at a 24 hour icu they could have tried to resussiat him. i probably should have tried to do that in the car but his body was so wasted and sickly, i somehow was thinking i should just let him go. when the vet finally came, he said there was still a faint heart beat. i asked if he would resusuaate him and he said, he didn't think it was a good idea. so that's mostly how it happened in the end. i just have terrible terrible terrible regret about it all happened. absolutely terrible. i can't stop my mind from going over this, esp. the pain he was in at the end, he was crying out, meowing really loud, straining on his side, having trouble breathing. i will never get that image out of my mind for the rest of my life. for a such a gentle beautiful loyal friend to die like that will haunt me forever. he didn't deserve that.

i have litterly spent about $6,000 in vet bills this year alone and that's not including their food, litter, toys and stuff. and i have been exhausted with my job. and believe me i am not a rich person. it is mostly all on credit cards. and possibly the harderst thing i have had to deal with is the reluctance of my local veterinarians to treat my animals. i have gone through so much hell with the local vets here i could write a book about it. i have actually started taking notes on particularly horrible incidents just becaue i feel i can't do anything else much about it. but even with all that, there is still the guilt and regret of not taking him to a specialist sooner.

i know this is really long but there was something else that happened yesterday that i want to write about that is really upsetting. pumpkin's brother went in with him the day before yesterday and donated blood (had to go under general anesthsia) to give his brother the transfusion. yesterday afternoon i noticed the bottom of his chin was covered with bright red blood and he had some blood on his chest. i couldn't tell exactly where it was coming from. it looked like it might have been coming from his chin but it also could have been coming from his mouth. i decided to call the emergency vet just in case to check mainly in the of the fact that he had just give quite a bit of blood the day before. i don't all of the side effects a transfusion can cause so i wanted to be on the safe side and ask. i thought maybe his gums were bleeding or... i don't know. it was just a worry to me since you don't normally see that in a cat for no particular reason.

the vet who was on call was the same vet who was on call when i brought pumpkin the night he crashed (the night before he died) so he was the vet who had worked on him all that day and done the transfusion. the answering service took my message and said he would call back. he never called. it's possible he didn't get the message but i would bet you anything he just didn't want to deal with me anymore. i got the feeling that when he was working on pumpkin he didn't want to go through everything i was asking him to, basically trying to save his life. he even said that at the point pumpkin was at, most people would euthanize. i just feel really bad that he didn't call back. i think they are required to call when someone calls in on the emergency line. i think he thought i was going to talk to him about my cat that just died (if he knew about it, probably did) or bother him again like i bothered him the day before. that really really hurt that he didn't want to talk to me, esp. when he knew what i had just been through. i actually didn't want to talk to him about pumpkin, i just wanted to ask about the blood on my cat's chin. he hasn't had anymore bleeding and he seems ok so i will wait until monday to ask now.

and one other thing happened that really hurt. i called someone the night that pumpkin was dying when he was really starting to go. i was panicking and confused aobut what to do. i called this person who i thought was my friend and left a message on her cell phone telling her what was going on. i didnt expect her to call me back in the middle of the night (although she was actually at work at that time i think) but she hasn't called me back at all yet. that really hurts too.

so, i am really glad i have this site and all of you wonderful understanding people here to support me through this. locally i really have no emotional support and i am feeling really depressed and sad.

i dread the future interactions i am forced to have with the vet community here. i need to decide about the necropsy by tomorrowong morning and one of my hesitations is having to go back and deal wit the vets again. i just never ever ever ever ever want to go to a veterinarian's office again. they seem actually to really dislike me for the most part. i think they think i am a "nut" to care so much about my cats or something and i ask a lot of questions which seems to really annoy them. also, even more, i am worried about the cats i still have and getting them the quality care that they need.

thank you so much for listening. some of the things that people have been writing to me are absolutely beautiful and calming. i'm sorry i can't get to everyone indiviidually to thank you.

 

Hon I sent you a PM...I hope it helps.

Mel & Muse (GA)

 

((Sara)) I never have the right words. I am so very sorry for your loss. And I do think guilt is just a part of the greiving process. It is natural to wonder if you could have done more, but you really did all you could. And sometimes not even doctors have all of the answers. Please know that Pumpkin knows how much you loved him.
And maybe your friend didn't get the message. I hope you hear from her soon. But we are all here for you either way. Hugs to you during your time of grief.

 

Sara,

I'm glad you got a little rest last night, at least. That's very odd, the blood on Pumpkin's brother's chin. I hope that he's okay. There could be many reasons the ER vet didn't return your call, from not getting the message to being so caught up in other emergency cases that he forgot to call or something. If that happens again, is there another ER vet in the area that you could call, just to ask whether this is something to worry about?

I know how hard it is to feel like people we think are our friends have let us down in our times of greatest need. The same thing happened to me when I lost Angel. None of my so-called friends at work even mentioned it to me for a week, even though they knew that my life had revolved around taking care of Angel for months and that i was utterly devastated by her death. That hurt me very deeply. I also share your feelings of regret that I kept taking her to the bad vet for too long instead of getting her back to the specialist sooner. I honestly didn't realize how clueless and incompetent that guy was until he almost killed her. I can relive those days over and over until I die, but it won't change what happened or bring Angel back. What I CAN do is try to find a better regular vet for the rest of my gang, and I hate to say that it's HARD, really and truly, to find a good vet here.

You haven't said where you live -- if you tell us your location, someone else on FDMB might be able to help give recommendations for vets in your area. That at least would help you feel better about taking care of the rest your feline family.

 

Sara, I am so sorry. There are no words that will help, but know that you and your baby are in my prayers. Lots of love, light, healing, and comfort coming your way.

Best-
Michele

 

sara you are still in my thoughts. please feel safe to stay here with us and share your grief.
lori and tom

 

I am so sorry and know first hand what you are experiencing. It's is so devastating and we tend to blame ourselves for everything that went wrong. But, try not to as the road to good cat healthcare is a very rocky road and unfotunately many "most" vets will lead us down the wrong path. You are not trained medical person so how are you to know? We can only guess and hope our vets do their job. My boy just passed as well and five vets with all the wrong answers.

Unload the trouble from your heart.

 

So very sorry for your loss. I have no words to sooth your feelings of guilt.

You loved him and he is gone. But, remember, he is free of pain and running with all of our GA (guardian angels). They will play and frolic and be there when you cross over the Rainbow Bridge.

As to vet care. Medicine is an art, not a science. Sometimes vets don't know what is wrong. And sometimes it becomes just a business. That is what I find sad. Sometimes I want support for a decision to euthanize, not 5 things that "might" help, but have nasty side effects and are very expensive.

Wrapping you in a big cyber hug. Fly free beautiful kitty!

Claudia

 

thanks everybody for writing. my computer wasn't working for the last week or so, that's why i just stopped posting. i am still sad about pumpkin but now i am worried about my other cat. i just posted about that... her blood pressure was 80 today. i desperately don't want to have to go out of town again a three hour drive but i can't let what happened to pumpkin happen to her. i don't htink i can get her there until next week. i don't know what to do.
thanks everyone for your support.

 

sara, i've been thinking about you. how do you test your cat's blood pressure and what is it supposed to be? could he just be feeling your emotions and missing buttercup?

 

When we had Precious in 2004, she was fine 1 day, and then started deteriorating quite rapidly for 5 weeks straight. We took her to the vet every weekend, even switched her diet. Did blood panels, and found out that her red blood cells were very low. Put her on an iron supplement. Did some good, but eventually, whatever it was that was affecting her finally did its deed. Both my husband and I suspect it was bone marrow cancer at the time. However, it would've cost us $400-$500 for an x-ray to find out. We couldn't afford that. The last day we took her to the vet, and before we left the office, she let out a very loud, cry. We took her home, and I did my best to make her as comfortable as possible. The next morning, she managed to crawl into a box and laid there, until I found her. I knew in my hear that wasn't a good sign as cats typically will find a spot to lay down to pass on. I picked her up and put her back on her bed. Her body was cold. I even heated up some towels to lay over her little body and try to warm her. That Sunday afternoon, she passed away. It was about 2:00 p.m. I was in the livingroom, trying to get a bit of rest. I thought I heard what sounded like kids screaming outside, but I think that it was our Precious one. I went to go and check on her, and she had just passed. We buried her that day.

We did the best we could, with the amount of money that we had.

You did all that you could, as well. You should never feel guilt when you know in your heart and mind you did the right thing by your kitty. You gave your kitty a very good life. Your kitty was blessed to have you as a parent. *HUGS*

 

We are so sorry for your loss Sara. Please try not to blame yourself. You did everything you could.

Please keep posting. We understand how you are feeling and your FDMB family are here to support you and care for you.

We send our love and condolences to you from across the ocean.

Love