Looking back

[Sheila & Beau GA & Jeddie GA]

I started saving my posts about a month ago - one of my Word docs is 67 pages long! I also have been thinking back to when I first adopted Jeddie and how I didn't know his fate and didn't know our time would be so short. So I started trying to go back to the beginning, which involved hunting around on the old board. It has been very interesting. Things don't seem to be exactly as I remembered them - close enough, mostly.

But I found this and it just makes me wonder:

Date: October 21, 2009 12:23AM
No, I don't think he is going to get much lower (BGs) without a dental. I can hear grinding noises when he eats and he has to work pieces of chicken way back and to the sides. He works at his mouth with his paw sometimes. I was just patting him and he was purring, and tried to give a little love bite, but jerked away and growled as if it hurt and licked his lips and paw and rubbed it on the left side of his mouth. I wish I could get him into the vet sooner than Sat, but work is really busy this week.

Was something going on way back then? Is that even possible? The vet did not see anything like inflamed gums back then. No big plaque build up either. And, while I noticed maybe 3-4 times when he had trouble chewing a piece of chicken or something like that over the years, it was no way all the time.

I know I am making myself crazy. I can't undo the past, or redo it differently and have him still be here happy and healthy, but boy do I wish I could.

And I just read on Community that Dian's Beasley has FIP and will be crossing over on Sunday. She is facing the exact same thing I was with a cat that thrived under her care and was happy and vibrant until this horrible thing happened. Poor Dian. Poor Beasley. And Poor Twinkie. Those two boys are bonded so closely too. Please say a prayer for them. Here is her thread: http://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=74798

 

[Vicky & Gandalf (GA) & Murrlin]

(((Sheila))) We all do this. What if...

Months before Gandalf began having seizures he had a very bloody stool. I took him in and they said colitis. It didn't happen again, so I didn't have further tests run.

Could we have done anything then? Yes, we could have, but it would have meant surgery for an 18 year old cat and possibly a decline from there, rather than the extra months I had with him. It pained me to realize that if I had known sooner maybe, just maybe, but I have come to realize the way things transpired gave him the most quality time.

Since Jeddie's tumor was in such a crucial location, even if it could have been diagnosed 2 years ago, would they have been able to remove enough of it without debilitation? That's very doubtful. And you would have fretted for much longer than weeks over his health, so it would have been very difficult to enjoy the times you and he had together. It may have even changed his relationship with the other cats, specifically Beau.

It is good that you're looking back because it is part of the grieving process, but don't beat yourself up over the shoulda, woulda, couldas.

And it is so very sad about Beasley. Dian just recently adopted the 2 of them too, after having them in foster for so long. So very many tears on the board lately.

:YMHUG:

 

[Grayson & Lu]

I agree. You can't dwell on the woulda/coulda/shouldas. We take each situation into consideration, and make the best decision possible that we are able to make. Sometimes, we get to re-evaluate and maybe change the path of their treatment, but for the most part, we do our best,and for most cats - that's better than any alternative.

I think about Grayson's condition. Since I retrieved the very "healthy" (22#) picture of him off my old phone, I think back to the neighborhood stray that was most likely his dad. His mom lived next door, until the family moved away and left her - barefoot & pregnant in 28 degree weather... There was a black cat that always hung around, usually ate some of the food I put out, and I remember him having a really bad-looking coat. Then one day, he just disappeared. Since Grayson had two longer-haired sisters, one black and one gray, I expect that guy probably fathered the three of them. I expect he was diabetic, and I regret I didn't make more of an effort to care for him other than food. But Tedi (Grayson's mom) was the 10th cat to come into my home - before the babies... so I couldn't take on any more financially. Although I probably should have, I couldn't. When I first came on the board, there were some "nekkid" kitties and their dad here. I asked him if the diabetes was hereditary, as I kept thinking about this cat. Had I been more aware at the time, maybe I could've helped. But I don't recall him ever being a friendly cat, and I would not have been able to bring in one that couldn't get along with the others - or at that time, a "special needs" kitty. Yes, I regret not having done more, but at the time, it wasn't an option. My biggest regret is that he probably never knew love.

You, on the other hand, should not have ANY regrets. You did all you could for your beloved Jeddie. You gave him a life he'd never known before. You gave him love and safety and home and health. You went WAY above and beyond what most of us here are able to do. And he adored you! He knew how much he meant to you. He knows how hard you fought for him. And when he was done fighting, you loved him enough to let him go. It's the most difficult thing we're ever called to do, but it was the right thing. There was no "woulda, coulda, shoulda" - you did EVERYTHING possible. I hope knowing that, and hearing it from those around you, helps comfort you when you start to question yourself.

I'm trusting that you and Beau are sharing your memories, joys and sorrows together as you both fill the void left behind by Jeddie.