Emotional Burden

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I can relate. I will forever remember my first cat ever, Charlie. I'll forever resent the stupid girlfriend who let him outside 20 miles from home because he "wanted to go outside". That's totally unhealthy, not something I dwell on but it's a fact of life.
 
Clarify what I said... A bit off topic but she didn't seem to care that Charlie was on a special diet. I cared, she couldn't or wouldn't. She is the primary reason I can't have a Facebook page 20 years later because she's between more than just needy and not quite a dangerous stalker, once followed me 1,000 miles to a family function.
I was kind of hoping someone else would spill first about this. It is something that happens and we might be able to help each other.
 
Noah & me said:
Clarify what I said... A bit off topic but she didn't seem to care that Charlie was on a special diet. I cared, she couldn't or wouldn't. She is the primary reason I can't have a Facebook page 20 years later because she's between more than just needy and not quite a dangerous stalker, once followed me 1,000 miles to a family function.
I was kind of hoping someone else would spill first about this. It is something that happens and we might be able to help each other.
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When I bring up QOL for Jimmy my husband worries about my QOL....ie not wanting to go away on overnights or not being able to go out until after PMPS. Instead of asking each other how our days went we ask how Jimmy is doing, what are his numbers, etc. lol
Jimmys QOL is quite excellent right now. He’s got a lot of spunk in him for being an Acrocat. The transition to raw alone has made a big difference. For him and me.

But then there are the days when I want to take a vacation from my life. Sleep in just one day. Not jot down his litter box habits. Not hear the beep of the meter. Not wonder what could happen next and do I have enough in the savings for him. Those thoughts swirl around and around in my head and it’s exhausting.
I work from home too so I’m with him all day long. It’s a lot. I know I need to find an outlet for stress relief. And soon. <end scene> lol
 
<act 2> dim lights Un-necessary guilt here over me doing everything for Noah while DW has been on disability forever. She's at the end of her rope because sister is borderline elder abusive and a 6 hour flight away. I never roll my eyes or make off the cuff remarks, cook and clean, nothing helps. Her assigned "life coach" is both way too perky and an idiot. I wish that was funny but it's not.
 
That was not complete honesty from me. I grew up with an often hysterical and manipulative parent, we had dogs that mysteriously "went to a farm". (Entire family hates cats) That's where I learned the fine art of manipulation, how I recognized it in my self just in time and why I now loathe that so much when other people do it. That's a part of the guilt, anger and resentment mentioned in the article. I'll do anything to avoid turning into that person.
 
Yeah, I can relate to that article too. We often talk about Leo's quality of life. We have taken him through some low spots. Then he ends up with some really great weeks like this one where it is worth it. But we definitely feel tied to the house because of his diseases (diabetes, acro, lymphoma). I would rather have a great cat than some great memories of another great week in Europe.
 
Cynthia and I have been in "the little exam room of doom" 13 times since we started dating and have never argued about whether it was the right thing to do. That's a real blessing. Build on each others strengths.
And I really hate those floral sofas that are meant to make you feel better.
 
Our vet now has an electric candle at the front desk. The sign there says something like "if this candle is lit, it means someone's kitty is passing. Please be respectful." Or something like that. I think it is a class act, and a nice thing to do. We couldn't even speak last year when Scoobs left.
 
Ours has the candle too. If it fits the circumstances we get the last room of the day and as much time as we need. We snuck in the back door when we retrieved Andrew and Simon from the emerg. clinic, we wanted them to start their journey where it began. They had already been in the cooler and I didn't want to freak out any kids in the front. This is the same clinic that sent us flowers after Nigel.
 
I wish my vet had the candle. Four weeks ago I had to rush my beloved cancer kitty there after he crashed suddenly. Although he died in my arms on the way there, we were taken into a back room for as much time together as I needed, while outside someone came in and there was great hilarity between the night vet and a customer, even the receptionist. I must admit, that irked as it was the same receptionist who had been so kind to me not 5 minutes before. I must admit I went out and had a bit of a rant with my dead cat in my arms. I hope they learnt their lesson.
 
I'm sorry to hear of your loss Sue. That could have been handled a lot better by the vet. Your kitteh was lucky to have such a caring Mom.
 
Thank god there's some sort of actual research. Not to be...sadness boastful(?) (there is probably an excellent word in German or Russian for this.) but

1) I am on Medi-Cal and EBT food stamps
2) I have severe depression
3) I only work part time due to the nature of my work, and though I am looking for a second job, nothing has happened yet
4) Tiggs is the very first pet my partner and I have had together
5) My partner has so far had to pay for everything because I can't afford to do anything but get the food

I cannot blame my cat for his health problems, or kill him for being expensive. I am terrified of all the financial burdens. I am furious with myself for not getting pet insurance. (I think he's too old but we could have tried when we got him four years ago).

I am having nearly daily anxiety attacks and I just want it to end.
 
On October 30th it will be three years since Shanti died. I cared for him for many years, he had asthma, IBD, then he developed diabetes from taking steroids for so many years. Although he was an easy cat to test, give shots too etc, I was really stressed most of the time. The last 6 weeks of his life he wouldn't eat or would throw up and most of the time I was beside myself with worry. In the end it turned out he had pancreatic cancer, that might have been the reason he was diabetic even. I loved that cat like no other cat I ever had and I would have continued to care for him as long as he needed me to but I have to admit that I feel some relief when the whole thing was over. I have seen some people here take in diabetic cats and I think they are a special kind of person because I wouldn't do it. My cat now is also on steroids and a little overweight, I measure her food and work to keep her weight down hoping she will not developed diabetes. I had many people tell me they couldn't or wouldn't do what is necessary for a diabetic cat, when I told them about blood glucose test they looked at me like I was crazy. My husband tried to help some but really he just did not have the same feel for how Shanti was doing. I still come and look on this forum although I rarely write anything but when a kitty is in crisis I am praying for them and the caretaker.
 
I'm sorry to hear that TiglathPileser. Tiggs sounds like a good kitteh, but that is really a challenging situation.

It is hard losing our fur-kids. I'm more like Marlene. But I try to help some new humans here. It still bums me out a lot when the kittehs don't make it....like the current situation with Charlie.
 
From the bottom of my heart, thank you @Sue484 and @TiglathPileser and as always @JeffJ for centering my universe.
Why is depression still a dirty word? It's not contagious and you don't just "snap out of it". I tell my doctor "I'm not sick because I'm depressed, I'm depressed because I'm sick". I do not want to see another shrink who tells me I focus too much on something while his Audi is being detailed. I often drag Cynthia with me to emergency so there's a better chance they may actually believe my story. And I bring my papers to validate my odd-ball condition (that just makes things worse) but of course I have to leave out the part about cats in my life. And emergency is half full of people shopping for drugs so I once bought a bottle of 90 Percocets just to show I wanted actual help, not more drugs. She got red in the face!
Marlene, you have spoken the forbidden words! Even my Grandma said she felt relief when my Grandpa's suffering had ended but that was between me and her, my mother would have become hysterical. Why is it we can put animals "out of their misery" but God wants us to suffer because someone else implied it 1,000 years ago? Sorry, that's not the God I believe in.
Marlene, anger and resentment is a totally natural way to feel. After Nigel was diagnosed diabetic my mom told everyone she was diabetic too. She was NOT! She just loved the attention. Everyone in the family knew it but I had to shush up! THAT was something to feel anger and resentment about. This gets bad if she collapses at dinner and Paramedics spend valuable minutes looking at diabetes as a possible cause when it's a load of BS. Who gives a flying fadoo that we care for our cats? Is that more demented than having a million dollar mausoleum, "I'm dead now! Everyone look at me".
Just one more thing. If all life is precious why can we bend the rules everyday when it's convenient for us? When the Pope said "Of course dogs go to Heaven (sic)" I had to picture myself going through the Gates and not hearing a single dog bark and not seeing a couple of cats sleeping in the grass. I'd rather take a pass and go back knowing what I know now.
This is not "all about me" but I've had a crappy 48 hours. One or two likes would really cheer me up and that would mean everything to Noah because, just like Tiggs, he means everything to us. Thanks, I usually manage to keep that under 500 words.
 
Yes, this definitely hits home. Three weeks before Zulu was diagnosed, our oldest cat Breyer's health just completely fell apart. What they thought was just an intestinal blockage was actually a mass in his abdomen (the blockage in the first x-ray had been covering up the mass visible in the second one). Not sure if it was lymphoma or abdominal cancer, as we couldn't get either his regular vet or the emergency vet to do an ultrasound over the weekend and he passed before the following week. I was an emotional wreck. My husband and I had raised Breyer from a kitten; he had been there for almost our entire relationship.

Then two weeks later we were hit with Zulu's diabetes diagnosis and the massively steep learning curve that comes with it. I was desperate to regain some semblance of control over the situation. It certainly didn't help that my [former] vet wasn't well versed on proper treatment or that my husband was only working part-time. Also, DH and I would butt heads, since my coping mechanism is to research the heck out of things and he thinks I over-think. TBH, he's not wrong but he wasn't helping me in the way that I wanted him to help, and I couldn't communicate that effectively at the time. Fortunately, as I learned more about dosing and diet, and things that seemed impossible at first became routine, the less helpless I felt. The financial burden is still there, and likely won't improve until DH finds full-time work, but we have some savings and no human children, so we make it work. The emotional burden is still there too, but less so.

(As a side note: shout out to Kent State, I earned my Master's there and loved it - great school!)
 
JeffJ said:
I'm sorry to hear that TiglathPileser. Tiggs sounds like a good kitteh, but that is really a challenging situation.

It is hard losing our fur-kids. I'm more like Marlene. But I try to help some new humans here. It still bums me out a lot when the kittehs don't make it....like the current situation with Charlie.
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It's awful. Being a young, broke, slightly bonkers millennial is enough of a pain without your pet and companion being ill.

At least he's doing well today. The weirdo decided he desperately wanted to eat seaweed snacks so he's had a couple cut up pieces and some chicken. Apparently as long as it's just seaweed, salt, and oil, it's actually good for him, so I'll keep giving him bits as long as he wants.
 
TiglathPileser said:
It's awful. Being a young, broke, slightly bonkers millennial is enough of a pain without your pet and companion being ill.
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You can be old and bonkers too. My mistake is I keep telling DW that "I've got it" but having her not in the loop is stupid on my part. It's not about me keeling over, just having a flat tire means Noah's schedule is off. That's not fair to Noah or my wife.
I feel worst of all for anyone young enough to have a life outside of their home who gets whacked with a diagnosis from their vet just when things appeared to be under control. We don't have kids and between us only one parent is left so most of our emergency situations happen within 10 minutes of home. If I tried to live this life when I was 25 and had 5 roommates I might have just dropped "the cat" off at the shelter. That's pretty shameful but you're a different person 30 years later. I'm still coming to grips with my own neurological mysteries and my wife's as yet undiagnosed illness. On the other hand our home would be an empty shell without our kitties. We had 9, then 3, now 6.
Give Tiggs a little bump from Noah and later I'll send you a digital sniff-o-gram when I make cookies. It always somehow works out when you've got friends.
:bighug: ;) :confused: :eek: and o_O
 
I don't have a lot to give right now on here as I'm going through a bad patch (just need a little down time right now) but this is for everyone on the forums and this post right now from me. :bighug::bighug:

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Chris & China said:
If you need some help with supplies like insulin, testing supplies or syringes, please contact DCIN (Diabetic Cats In Need) or send me a private message. Helping keep kitties home with their loving caretakers is what we do!!
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Thank you! I have a job interview on Monday and I'm doing a bit of grant stuff, so hopefully things will turn around soon. I'm just a bit overwhelmed, but hopefully we'll be okay.
 
It's a lot. So far I've been blessed in always coming up with what I need, but oh Lord, I hope I can have a steady job and get off EBT, and have insurance through work, and just..have an okay life. I don't want to be rich, I just want to make 20K a year. It's insane that's that's double what I make right now.
 
TiglathPileser said:
I don't want to be rich, I just want to make 20K a year.
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We should be set up financially but seeing as I'm only 60 I still get treated like a child by the person that administers my trust fund. There's a provision in there that if I get hit by a bus the remainder goes to this persons kids and my wife gets squat. They'll forget her name in 5 minutes. She is also on long term disability and insurance insists she return to the job she hates, the one that put her here in the first place. I'm so disappointed in people who think they know what's best for us, they're arrogant and condescending. I don't see cats and dogs treating each other like that. And we're more evolved?
No more cubicles, no more suit and tie, no more 4" heels.
 
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