Ebony's gone

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Sara and Buttercup

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He died last week in the ICU in WSU vet teaching hospital. I am devastated. He had cancer in his kidney's intestines and lymph nodes. At first they did a good job and then they screwed up. I wouldn't recommend going there unless you want to deal with a vet student and not an actual vet most of the time. He was doing better on the chemo but then they weren't checking his white count or giving him any antibiotics and he got a massive infection. He stopped breathing and they ressusated him. The vet student came out and said that he had stopped breathing and asked if I wanted him to be ressusated. I had already signed off twice saying that I did and had just talked to the vet on his case and said that I did 5 minutes earlier. Probably took at least 5 mintues for that vet student to come out and ask me that again and he prob wasn't breathing that whole time. When they got him breathing again he was in a coma. They said that they needed to keep him there another week in a coma on antibiotics. I had asked them numerous times to tell me when it was hopeless so he could die at home. I asked if he would prob be a vegetable and they said prob but it was worth a try to try the antibiotics to see if he would come to. So I said ok even though it seemed wrong. A couple of hours later he stopped breathing again and this time they coudn't ressusate him. I don't think that they ever started the antibiotics either. When I asked, they said that they were still waiting on the pharmacy to get them. The pharmacy was just down the hall and she said that one of the antibiotics was just going to be baytril. The whole thing of having him in the ICU for about 4 dyas there cost me $2,500 which they needed to be paid all at once. At the end, I could tell that they didn't care that he had died. They were completely dry eyed and business like about it.

I on the other hand am wracked with guilt and devastated. At first I was in shock, then I was crying some and now I feel totally depressed. Almsot non functional. I jsut want to sleep all the time. The other really bad thing is that I have developed an extreme aversion to going to the vet. I already have had bad experiences with vet in the past and do not like to go even though I go at least several times a month because i have older cats. after this incident, i made an appointment with my local vet for my diabetic hypert cat. The day of the appt. I cancelled, feeling like this overwhelming sense of not being able to go through with it. They screwed ebony over there, too, waiting way to long to diagnose him even though I had brought him in several times in the last year. I should try to go today but I cannot. I cannot barely even function. I just gave her her insulin shot late and without testing first.

I am going to look for a counsellor here but the pickings are really slim. I need to be able to take care of my other cats. I need to try to be able to go to the vet again. I just feel so bad. I miss my little ebony, i miss him terribly. He loved me so much and I loved him. I let him down. I wish I could trade places with him.

I wanted to say thank you though to all the people here who sent advice, good wishes and kept us in your thoughts and prayers. It helps to know that there are good people out there who care.
 
Sarah,

I'm so, so sorry about your Ebony! You did absolutely everything you could but that doesn't take away any of your pain. Remember that he had a wonderful life with you and he is now free. I don't know much about it, but Colorado State University has some type of grief center...if you're aimless surfing, you migth wander over there.

(((Sarah)))

Heather/Boo
 
Sara, I'm so sorry for all you've been through... and for your devastating loss. ((((Sara)))). I hope you do find some peace in the coming days and weeks.

Please know that you are not alone in having an aversion to the vets. I thought I would have a panic attack when I went back to my vet office to take my new cat for his first appointment... and his second and third. And my experience with my vets was positive - I completely trust them. But losing a loved one does something to the mind and our confidence. But you did right by Ebony and you'll do right by your other vets.


Again, I'm sorry. Please come here when you need to talk... we all understand and have been through the loss.
 
I'm so so sorry Sarah, take the time you need, will be thinking of you, and sending prayers for peace and comfort.
((hugs))
 
Dear Sarah:

Thank you for private message concerning my loss of beloved Blue. I do know how you feel. I agree that there are some vets, and maybe even the majority of of vets, that think in terms of money they can make 1st. I also believe they look at test results (which I do think show some info) but neglect to look at the animal...is he declining? My Blue obviously was but the fact that vet said he may come back, his BG is lower, I feel is so ridiculous. He was very close to death.

But listen Sarah, you did all you could and your beautiful Eboney knew this. We have only the vet's so-called expertise to go on. Just the fact that you tried chemo shows you went above and beyond. You need to not feel depressed anymore. Of course, you should grieve, as I do, but stop blaming yourself.

I wish you luck. Getting over any death is a process. Think of the good times and miss your baby. He knows you love him. And I do believe that we will see all our beloved pets that have passed when we pass. That thought comforts me greatly.

suite
 
I think guilt is a natural way to deal with grief...feeling like something more could have or should have been done. I am so sorry for your loss, but know that you did the best you could for Ebony and he knows how much he was loved.
 
((Sarah)) I am so sorry to see that your Ebony is gone - and feel so bad for your guilt about his passing. As has been said in the above posts, we have only the expertise of the vets to go on - just as with our own medical doctors - sometimes they just don't see the problems or the causes.

Your love and loving care for Ebony is so evident - you did all you could for him - and gave him such a wonderful life with so much love. He was a lucky little furball to have you as his mom-bean - and don't for a minute forget all the wonderful memories and love you shared.

I'm sending many hopes that in the days to come those wonderful memories will ease your pain - Ebony is running free now - no more pain.

Emmy & Dude (& Mittsi too)
 
Oh Sara I"m so sorry to hear this. I don't know if you are ready to discuss this at all, so if you aren't then please skip the rest of my post -- I'm going to address a few of the things in your post.

Sara and Buttercup said:
He had cancer in his kidney's intestines and lymph nodes.
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I remember when you said he had a big kidney and they suspected cancer ... my heart sank because primary renal cancer is brutal. It is worth trying to treat (IMO) but so, so often it is unsuccessful. It is very aggressive and it sounds like it had already spread. I'm so sorry -- this is very grave.


At first they did a good job and then they screwed up. I wouldn't recommend going there unless you want to deal with a vet student and not an actual vet most of the time. He was doing better on the chemo but then they weren't checking his white count or giving him any antibiotics and he got a massive infection.
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With chemo it is common to periodically check the white blood cell count. It isn't done twice a day or anything -- usually once a week or so, or sooner or less frequent depending on the chemo protocol. It isn't standard to give antibiotics just because chemo is being given -- usually if a white cell count comes back high they'll start, or if there are symptoms. It is unfortunately possible (in human and vet med) even with good care to have an infection sneak up and avalanche.

He stopped breathing and they ressusated him. The vet student came out and said that he had stopped breathing and asked if I wanted him to be ressusated. I had already signed off twice saying that I did and had just talked to the vet on his case and said that I did 5 minutes earlier. Probably took at least 5 mintues for that vet student to come out and ask me that again and he prob wasn't breathing that whole time.
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After a patient arrests, CPR is started and someone speaks to the family to tell them and see if they want to continue CPR. THey always ask, even if they already have instructions. I can guarantee that your little guy was not by himself without treatment for all that time -- the efforts to revive him had already started.
I don't think that they ever started the antibiotics either. When I asked, they said that they were still waiting on the pharmacy to get them. The pharmacy was just down the hall and she said that one of the antibiotics was just going to be baytril.
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I have no idea why they couldn't get the antibiotics any faster--that seems just bizarre. FWIW, though, a shot of antibiotics within that short time frame wasn't going to make a big difference, unfortunately. Ebony's real problem was his aggressive cancer :sad:

At the end, I could tell that they didn't care that he had died. They were completely dry eyed and business like about it.
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I can assure you that *someone* cared. You may have dealt with a real heel that day, but I can tell you that every single patient always touches someone's heart. The nurses--and I have been an ICU nurse--always feel the loss when one of their patients passes. They are the ones who feed them, clean them, give them their meds, make sure their bedding is soft and warm, and they know the patients on a level that the doctors cannot. I am sure Ebony found his way into a few hearts over there, I'm sure of it.
I on the other hand am wracked with guilt and devastated.
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Oh Sara there is no need for this. You would have moved heaven and earth to get Ebony cancer-free. I know you would have.

I am going to look for a counsellor here but the pickings are really slim.
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There are several free animal-grief counseling services you can call to talk about Ebony and your deep sense of loss, while you try to find an in-person counselor.

Also, despite the fact that I think there were some misunderstandings with Ebony, it seems like you (as the client) were not properly cared for at that hospital. I would contact them and tell them how you feel. I'd contact the primary vet -- make sure s/he calls you back and you speak on the phone-- , the hospital manager, and see if there is a vet who is in charge of ICU. It is important that you get the attention and answers that you need, and that they learn where they have gone wrong in terms of their treatment of you. This is not just to help you, but to help future Ebonys and Saras that will pass through their doors. It is something that you can do for cats just like him.

Finally, please stick around and post here or on Grief. There is a loving, supportive group here who will always be there to listen.

Please take care.
Jess
 
I am so sorry for your loss, Sara. You did everything you could, and Ebony knows it. You did not let him down.

In addition to the Grief forum here on FDMB, there is also a pet loss support group on Yahoo called Angel on My Shoulders. Please consider visiting both sites; you will be among ppl who understand, on both.

(((hugs)))
 
Oh No! I am so very sorry you both had to go thru that.. My condolences on your loss. Ebony is flying free now, whole and healthy over the Rainbow Bridge.

Wrapping you in cyber hugs.
 
Sarah I'm so sorry you've lost your sweet boy.

Please believe you did everything you could within your power. Hold onto what Jess said especially that there was someone there that cared about him and he touched their heart.

I hope in time you can find renewed trust in vets.
Fly free sweet (((Ebony)))
 
(((sarah )))
so sad you lost your Ebony.
and that you had to go through that trauma with the vets.

she was a much loved kitty.

Peace dear Ebony !

take care Sara.

with sympathy,

Cheryl and in spirit, Winnie
 
I lost my little soul mate 4 years ago. I know that it hurts like hell.
Try to forgive everything you think you might have done wrong. Cause you didn't.
You fought for him like a mom-tiger would.
That's all you could do.

(( Sara ))

P.S. I'm sure he still will be with you. I know mine did.
 
(((((Sara))))) I am so very sorry. Ebony knows how much you loved him and how hard you tried to save him. Fly free Ebony. wings_cat
 
I am so very sorry. Please do not allow yourself to feel guilty. You really made every decision you could with Ebony's welfare foremost in your mind and out of love. No one could have done any better. How Ebony passed over to Heaven does not erase all the years of dedicated, devoted love you shared. You gave him a most wonderful life.
 
So, so sorry to read your Ebony's has gone. As many have already said, you fought so hard for your little guy. But don't blame yourself. Blame cancer! Blame that blasted, disgusting disease that invades our furry friends and bean loved ones. You took wonderful care of Ebony his whole life. You just couldn't defeat cancer. Bigs hugs, Carol
 
Sara, I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not feel guilty, Ebony knows that you did everything you could for him. Please call your vet or local animal hospital, they usually know of a grief counseling group for people who have lost companion animals. I attend two such groups and it has really helped with the healing process. Please take care of you, that's what Ebony would want. Again, you have my deepest condolences. wings_cat
 
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