kitten68
Member Since 2024
7/10 Pudgey..
I got the baby back..
I got him back, his things back. turns out it was a complete miscommunication..... I feel pretty upset about it actually; feel bad it happened to be really innocent. but it should have been stressed to me better. I was really angry and in hell about it.. thinking here's another vet disappointing and failing us; turns out she said she told me she'd be out of town for a family thing of her own.. and that we'd be waiting until she was back because obviously getting his things delivered to me can't be done with her out of town. she's sure she said something the day of.. but I'm not gonna remember that; especially since I know, if it did happen, it was when she was taking him to the car.. to be given over to the memorial services place.. and all I was paying attention to was the agony of having to let him go into the car.. just craning my neck at the backseat of the car.. crying in the doorway.. checking.. I wanted to go w him.. wondering if I should have just found a place and took him myself.. then thinking how devastated I'd be also doing that and how if she offered an extension of the home visit to take and bring him back when the service was done.. I was gonna allow it. either way, I didn't recall it and it got by me. so when his service was done.. she was out of town. then on top of it, she had something happen.. so she was in her own grief, too. I felt terrible.. but told her I did not know; I had no idea. frankly, grieving people can't be accommodating. she swore she told me and apologized a lot. I was just happy to have his things back with me. from there.. she was a comfort to me again. just talking about everything. I'm glad she got him to me.. and I was so happy to have his things back. I was extremely relieved. 
I got his stuff back Monday.. and how glad I have been. crying. I had no idea how it was gonna go. I was fearing the worst..
and today.. this day, marks a month. and I blame myself still, circumstances, bad luck, bad, apathetic vet care, poor advice, and just myself again most for everything. I'm as heartsick as I was then.. less in one way or two, that we're not suffering under sickness and anxiety anymore, I'm glad we don't gotta see any vet's dumb face (I did like the last office one.. but it remained to be seen how'd they be over time..), and that's about it. I'm glad I can't hurt him w my mistakes and misjudgments, tho I never meant to hurt my cat in the first place and I find that things were just cruel for no reason.. we were just scrambling. I did my best to make the right calls, and was wrong at some important times, and I don't understand why or how this came about in the first place. I blame myself a lot.. and others blame me too. I feel they're right and if it makes anyone feel better im paying for it. I struggled w the phosphorus.. didn't figure that out til late, I didn't get him his oral B12 in time.. idk why. I think I was overwhelmed w everything we had to do and it didn't absorb how badly we should've been on it.. I think I was expecting the Porus One to help a lot.. maybe it did, but it was made clear to me some didn't deal w anemia cause the oral B12 helped. (because of the 4th July holiday too, I missed giving him Porus One a few days..... it took time to get to us; I ordered too late. im certain that was no help either..) I made sure to give him his B Complex and he got his B12 shots w his fluids.. but that apparently wasn't enough. idk how he would have fared had I also added that oral B12.. im hearing better. so the anemia worsening is most likely my fault. and its haunting. tho idk what happened at the same time.. he seemed to be doing a little better, then it stopped and went downward. our home vet is of the opinion that.. sometimes it works (the ESA, the agent to get the marrow to make blood.. if I remember it right..) and sometimes the blood environment is so toxic, full of the waste his kidneys are suppose to be taking out, that its not gonna work.. so I wonder if we were gonna lose that anyway. it was a a tightrope too cause we were balancing his sugars w everything; and high sugar can hurt you. I remember he got some steam back overnight.. one night.. then idk what happened. it was stressed to me I should have used another ESA that was faster.. my fault this happened cause I didn't. but no one had it. and now I blame myself I should have gotten it somehow, ordered it? but I thought the Darbo (Aranesp) would hopefully be ok.. especially since the other isn't used anymore because of good reasons. tho the other is faster.... just a cascade of poor calls I fault myself for and made to be faulted for.. 
things I didn't do right.
I'm not sorry tho we went down swinging. I try to think if we had just resigned to things.. but that feels wrong. how can you know if you don't try. so I'm not sorry we did.. but I also feel bad he was in and out of the vet so much, who of which he hated. I think we also did incredibly too in a number of ways under some truly wretched garbage conditions. I managed a lot of helpful things.. and advice was bad at times. very bad. and im the one who has to live w it and hold it... I had advice in my head that last week of being conservative w fluids, cause he was coughing, and the vet stressed him, so we only should have gone in emergencies, but I wasn't thinking well w the anticipatory grieving I was doing already because I was watching him not get better plus stress/probable lack of sleep.. and instead of asking here or the kidney board, I took him in (vet was absolutely useless, too) and the last month and a half or so, it would mean things would deteriorate later in some way.. (the next day, for example.. he stopped being able to eat.. and I remember him eating so well earlier that day, too..). and the fluids........ were what was keeping him comfortable and hydrated, obviously. extending everything, even. that's probably the biggest thing w kidney issues.. fluids. all they needed was to be adjusted for weight, as he had lost so much. and when I did, no more coughing... this was especially important because he was struggling to eat that final week.. then he didn't get fluids properly a few days, and I think this raised his sugars, and that galloped us straight into misery when maybe it would have been less hurried... his sugars righted that last day or two, but too late. all this just hurt his kidneys into crisis. we were losing.. painfully.. but I think these decisions and happenings made it more painful then it needed to be, even tho I didn't know what to expect or what I was doing that last week... I didn't realize how bad it was; how badly he needed his fluids at that point. otherwise I would never have skipped them one day that week, and lessened them a day or two after. and my cat was very present and w me until the end.. how do you make the call if they're still very themself? cause ultimately we were trying to help the medicine work; maybe fixing the anemia would help him eat.. but his kidneys were just gone looks it. idk. when I saw he couldn't drink well himself anymore.. I called. and we were actually doing pretty good.. he was going potty finally, taking assisted feeding pretty well, cuz my kitty trusted me.. and he could. but I was out of my element; we'd never dealt w this before. I never encountered this. I didn't get a handle on things properly, managing things better, until probably mid June sometime.. kidney forum place isn't as streamlined as here. and I'll never know if the hypertension meds was a big cause of things rushing to a final decline in the first place, cause he was stable up until then seemingly.. cause that rat vet wouldn't allow blood unless we started them. so no current jump point, then, to compare it to. and they had me afraid getting panels elsewhere cause it wasn't good for anemia (they had a limited renal panel, so less blood). so I felt coerced into starting them, tho I was afraid. I am not sure if the hypertensive meds from the latter part of the year prior got us into this mess from the get go even before everything.. being too high.. didn't agree with him? who knows.....and yet.. hypertension aint good. I also stopped getting advice on the kidney board, except from one or two voices here and there.. im so thankful we had here to come to. although some ppl that last week disappeared, too. I just do not know. 
that last hour or so...... I'll carry the trauma a long, long time.
I also never did read all I should have on the subject.. but that site is miserable, frankly. truth is I despise it for how complicated and long it is. for cases like ours, I wasn't about to read long convoluted pages on the subject.. I couldn't do it. it was too difficult and taxing. when I could I would.. I wish I had more anyway and been better prepared.. but it's miserably long winded. they should probably fix that; and i'm glad I voiced it too.. like, footnotes in the body? links to resources and studies? in the body?....... you had to comb through it. like the answer wasn't until all the way at the bottom... or somewhere in the middle somewhere... im sorry but terrible. if it helped or helps u tho, great; me.. I didn't find it easy at all. and we needed easy; luckily we got advice on what to do etc through the forum there.. (and especially here, thank you all..) but decisions were going to lack I guess too unless I read it and analyzed it myself, and I did at times.. but it was late. things for us were always late sometimes.. idk why. and I didn't understand some things til too late.. once he was 22 for his PCV.. we probably should have considered an ESA then. but his vet at the time didn't give a damn about us; they gave up. they just proceeded to inform me things were worse via email. suggested dialysis (on my 17/18 yr old cat?..).. or a feeding tube.. gee, thanks. 
wouldn't even see us when his PCV dropped to 16 two weeks later, suggested the oral ESA.. vets are awful. and they're horribly expensive now too.
so.. im broken for me and my kitty. I blame myself all the time still.. im haunted..... it was and feels so bad.. just tormented. I was tired (I slept maybe two hours that night..) and didn't see some things.. some more things I can't even talk about, it was hard carrying this alone, me and my kitty. he just deserved better the last few days, hours. he deserved, and we deserved, better this whole thing in general. my cat was doing so good and looked so good for 17 then 18.. we were doing great w his sugars. then the hypertension... and his kidneys (!!!!). just a lot happened to us..... and idk why. idk why. its reprehensible. and we experienced that sickness and leaving the body..... can be a really un-fun time. but the love.... my cat adored me, I loved him most.. and it remains in present tense. the truth and feeling of that is so strong. and that won't be taken from us. the guilt has been an enormously heavy thing.. im hoping w time, memories will sharpen and maybe I didn't do so bad as I feel rn. or maybe it could be ok somehow, or I could be or feel forgiven.. I don't anticipate it or expect it tho.. but perhaps. there's a lot I just don't know.
: I'm assuming from here if I choose to post a thread, personally, it's to now be on Grief Support? Or to title it something here called "Caturday Loose Lips"? I have no idea..
I just thank this forum and everyone so so much.. we got so much help w his sugars here and he would have been DEAD or suffered badly two years ago if we had continued following that fool I first took him to when he was first sick. FD was terrifying treating too.. all this stuff was, but I did my best and bebe was so smart and generally went wherever and did whatever we needed to do.. we were doing pretty well w that.. I just thank everyone. and the kidney stuff later we got so much support here as well. we thank you.. thanks for the love... and for caring. we always can use it.. I miss him horribly and long for things to have been better.. I walk around w a shattered heart. I don't care about much rn.. but very thankful we have, and had, community here.. thanks.
I got the baby back..
I got him back, his things back. turns out it was a complete miscommunication..... I feel pretty upset about it actually; feel bad it happened to be really innocent. but it should have been stressed to me better. I was really angry and in hell about it.. thinking here's another vet disappointing and failing us; turns out she said she told me she'd be out of town for a family thing of her own.. and that we'd be waiting until she was back because obviously getting his things delivered to me can't be done with her out of town. she's sure she said something the day of.. but I'm not gonna remember that; especially since I know, if it did happen, it was when she was taking him to the car.. to be given over to the memorial services place.. and all I was paying attention to was the agony of having to let him go into the car.. just craning my neck at the backseat of the car.. crying in the doorway.. checking.. I wanted to go w him.. wondering if I should have just found a place and took him myself.. then thinking how devastated I'd be also doing that and how if she offered an extension of the home visit to take and bring him back when the service was done.. I was gonna allow it. either way, I didn't recall it and it got by me. so when his service was done.. she was out of town. then on top of it, she had something happen.. so she was in her own grief, too. I felt terrible.. but told her I did not know; I had no idea. frankly, grieving people can't be accommodating. she swore she told me and apologized a lot. I was just happy to have his things back with me. from there.. she was a comfort to me again. just talking about everything. I'm glad she got him to me.. and I was so happy to have his things back. I was extremely relieved. I got his stuff back Monday.. and how glad I have been. crying. I had no idea how it was gonna go. I was fearing the worst..and today.. this day, marks a month.
and I blame myself still, circumstances, bad luck, bad, apathetic vet care, poor advice, and just myself again most for everything. I'm as heartsick as I was then.. less in one way or two, that we're not suffering under sickness and anxiety anymore, I'm glad we don't gotta see any vet's dumb face (I did like the last office one.. but it remained to be seen how'd they be over time..), and that's about it. I'm glad I can't hurt him w my mistakes and misjudgments, tho I never meant to hurt my cat in the first place and I find that things were just cruel for no reason.. we were just scrambling. I did my best to make the right calls, and was wrong at some important times, and I don't understand why or how this came about in the first place. I blame myself a lot.. and others blame me too. I feel they're right and if it makes anyone feel better im paying for it. I struggled w the phosphorus.. didn't figure that out til late, I didn't get him his oral B12 in time.. idk why. I think I was overwhelmed w everything we had to do and it didn't absorb how badly we should've been on it.. I think I was expecting the Porus One to help a lot.. maybe it did, but it was made clear to me some didn't deal w anemia cause the oral B12 helped. (because of the 4th July holiday too, I missed giving him Porus One a few days..... it took time to get to us; I ordered too late. im certain that was no help either..) I made sure to give him his B Complex and he got his B12 shots w his fluids.. but that apparently wasn't enough. idk how he would have fared had I also added that oral B12.. im hearing better. so the anemia worsening is most likely my fault. and its haunting. tho idk what happened at the same time.. he seemed to be doing a little better, then it stopped and went downward. our home vet is of the opinion that.. sometimes it works (the ESA, the agent to get the marrow to make blood.. if I remember it right..) and sometimes the blood environment is so toxic, full of the waste his kidneys are suppose to be taking out, that its not gonna work.. so I wonder if we were gonna lose that anyway. it was a a tightrope too cause we were balancing his sugars w everything; and high sugar can hurt you. I remember he got some steam back overnight.. one night.. then idk what happened. it was stressed to me I should have used another ESA that was faster.. my fault this happened cause I didn't. but no one had it. and now I blame myself I should have gotten it somehow, ordered it? but I thought the Darbo (Aranesp) would hopefully be ok.. especially since the other isn't used anymore because of good reasons. tho the other is faster.... just a cascade of poor calls I fault myself for and made to be faulted for.. things I didn't do right.I'm not sorry tho we went down swinging.
I try to think if we had just resigned to things.. but that feels wrong. how can you know if you don't try. so I'm not sorry we did.. but I also feel bad he was in and out of the vet so much, who of which he hated. I think we also did incredibly too in a number of ways under some truly wretched garbage conditions. I managed a lot of helpful things.. and advice was bad at times. very bad. and im the one who has to live w it and hold it... I had advice in my head that last week of being conservative w fluids, cause he was coughing, and the vet stressed him, so we only should have gone in emergencies, but I wasn't thinking well w the anticipatory grieving I was doing already because I was watching him not get better plus stress/probable lack of sleep.. and instead of asking here or the kidney board, I took him in (vet was absolutely useless, too) and the last month and a half or so, it would mean things would deteriorate later in some way.. (the next day, for example.. he stopped being able to eat.. and I remember him eating so well earlier that day, too..). and the fluids........ were what was keeping him comfortable and hydrated, obviously. extending everything, even. that's probably the biggest thing w kidney issues.. fluids. all they needed was to be adjusted for weight, as he had lost so much. and when I did, no more coughing... this was especially important because he was struggling to eat that final week.. then he didn't get fluids properly a few days, and I think this raised his sugars, and that galloped us straight into misery when maybe it would have been less hurried... his sugars righted that last day or two, but too late. all this just hurt his kidneys into crisis. we were losing.. painfully.. but I think these decisions and happenings made it more painful then it needed to be, even tho I didn't know what to expect or what I was doing that last week... I didn't realize how bad it was; how badly he needed his fluids at that point. otherwise I would never have skipped them one day that week, and lessened them a day or two after. and my cat was very present and w me until the end.. how do you make the call if they're still very themself? cause ultimately we were trying to help the medicine work; maybe fixing the anemia would help him eat.. but his kidneys were just gone looks it. idk. when I saw he couldn't drink well himself anymore.. I called. and we were actually doing pretty good.. he was going potty finally, taking assisted feeding pretty well, cuz my kitty trusted me.. and he could. but I was out of my element; we'd never dealt w this before. I never encountered this. I didn't get a handle on things properly, managing things better, until probably mid June sometime.. kidney forum place isn't as streamlined as here. and I'll never know if the hypertension meds was a big cause of things rushing to a final decline in the first place, cause he was stable up until then seemingly.. cause that rat vet wouldn't allow blood unless we started them. so no current jump point, then, to compare it to. and they had me afraid getting panels elsewhere cause it wasn't good for anemia (they had a limited renal panel, so less blood). so I felt coerced into starting them, tho I was afraid. I am not sure if the hypertensive meds from the latter part of the year prior got us into this mess from the get go even before everything.. being too high.. didn't agree with him? who knows.....and yet.. hypertension aint good. I also stopped getting advice on the kidney board, except from one or two voices here and there.. im so thankful we had here to come to. although some ppl that last week disappeared, too. I just do not know. that last hour or so...... I'll carry the trauma a long, long time.I also never did read all I should have on the subject.. but that site is miserable, frankly. truth is I despise it for how complicated and long it is. for cases like ours, I wasn't about to read long convoluted pages on the subject.. I couldn't do it. it was too difficult and taxing. when I could I would.. I wish I had more anyway and been better prepared.. but it's miserably long winded. they should probably fix that; and i'm glad I voiced it too.. like, footnotes in the body? links to resources and studies? in the body?....... you had to comb through it. like the answer wasn't until all the way at the bottom... or somewhere in the middle somewhere... im sorry but terrible. if it helped or helps u tho, great; me.. I didn't find it easy at all. and we needed easy; luckily we got advice on what to do etc through the forum there.. (and especially here, thank you all..
) but decisions were going to lack I guess too unless I read it and analyzed it myself, and I did at times.. but it was late. things for us were always late sometimes.. idk why. and I didn't understand some things til too late.. once he was 22 for his PCV.. we probably should have considered an ESA then. but his vet at the time didn't give a damn about us; they gave up. they just proceeded to inform me things were worse via email. suggested dialysis (on my 17/18 yr old cat?..).. or a feeding tube.. gee, thanks. wouldn't even see us when his PCV dropped to 16 two weeks later, suggested the oral ESA.. vets are awful. and they're horribly expensive now too.so.. im broken for me and my kitty. I blame myself all the time still.. im haunted..... it was and feels so bad.. just tormented. I was tired (I slept maybe two hours that night..) and didn't see some things.. some more things I can't even talk about, it was hard carrying this alone, me and my kitty. he just deserved better the last few days, hours. he deserved, and we deserved, better this whole thing in general. my cat was doing so good and looked so good for 17 then 18.. we were doing great w his sugars. then the hypertension... and his kidneys (!!!!). just a lot happened to us..... and idk why. idk why. its reprehensible.
and we experienced that sickness and leaving the body..... can be a really un-fun time. but the love.... my cat adored me, I loved him most.. and it remains in present tense. the truth and feeling of that is so strong. and that won't be taken from us. the guilt has been an enormously heavy thing.. im hoping w time, memories will sharpen and maybe I didn't do so bad as I feel rn. or maybe it could be ok somehow, or I could be or feel forgiven.. I don't anticipate it or expect it tho.. but perhaps. there's a lot I just don't know.: I'm assuming from here if I choose to post a thread, personally, it's to now be on Grief Support? Or to title it something here called "Caturday Loose Lips"? I have no idea.. I just thank this forum and everyone so so much.. we got so much help w his sugars here and he would have been DEAD or suffered badly two years ago if we had continued following that fool I first took him to when he was first sick. FD was terrifying treating too.. all this stuff was, but I did my best and bebe was so smart and generally went wherever and did whatever we needed to do.. we were doing pretty well w that.. I just thank everyone. and the kidney stuff later we got so much support here as well. we thank you.. thanks for the love... and for caring. we always can use it.. I miss him horribly and long for things to have been better.. I walk around w a shattered heart. I don't care about much rn.. but very thankful we have, and had, community here.. thanks.
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