GA 8/28 Govie

Govies mom (Karen)

Govies mom (Karen)

Member Since 2017
http://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/8-10-govie.200948/

Hello everyone this Thursday will be 3 weeks without my little girl. I had her individually cremated and she's back here with me in spirit in my heart and continually in my thoughts. I am totally not myself and I don't know when I will be. I don't even feel human I miss her. Of all the animals I've had, this little girl for 18 years has had an enormous impact on my life. My struggle is not so much regarding her personally I know she is at peace and she is not suffering in any way. I feel horrible at times and I know I shouldn't because I took her in essence to end her life. So I in human regards feel guilty you know like I killed her or something and I know that's not right but those are the creepy thoughts that come in your head. This is the first time I've ever had to go and put an animal down. So my getting over this having to leave that room knowing that I'll never see her again I'll never bring her home was devastating doesn't even cover it. I want to thank everybody here who has answered me and been my friend through this ordeal of diabetes. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I mean I feel totally lost that I don't have nobody to take care of or watch the clock for her times for testing or feeding. Empty very empty. I will check here from time to time hopefully I'll feel better soon so I can have a little bit more of a story to write but I'm just empty very empty I will always love her every single solitary day and think of her every moment and I thank God above all else, that I was able to have the dance with her
 
Those of us that had to make the gut wrenching decision to help our companion cross the Bridge empathize with your loss. When you first joined the Board, you no doubt heard people mention the bond you form with your sugar cat. I was skeptical. I'm not sure I fully appreciated that bond until it was Gabby's time to wait for me at the other side of the Bridge. If you have a moment to read the link to Gabby's Legacy in my signature, my response to the loss is much like your own. (My post is #7 in the thread.)

 
Karen, I can so relate to the feelings of guilt. I had to put my Sug, GA down when she was suffering so, acute pancreatic, renal failure and her liver had hardened ( the equivalent to cirrhosis of the liver in humans) It was gut wrenching for me. Intellectually, I knew I was putting her out of her suffering. Emotionally, I doubted my decision for months and months, going over all her reports and doing the "what if?" game in my head.

It took me about 3 months to not cry every day. Cried on the way to work, cried on the way home from work, and sometimes I even cried at work. Then one day, at the end of the day, I realized I hadn't cried........and when I thought about her, I smiled instead.

I wish that for you. Peace.

:bighug:
 
I'm so sorry for your loss...I understand that horrible feeling of leaving the vet - after having to make that final decision - had to do that twice - and well, there's simply no getting it out of your mind. But you have to try to remember - you helped a helpless friend and companion who could not tell you of her pain or her sickness. You as the humane person you are made the best decision for her that is possible - as you did for 18 years - I only wish someone could make that decision for me when my time comes - please don't allow me to suffer - be merciful and help me - but your Govie could not express those words to you - but you 'knew' in your heart, you knew and you know what you did was the right thing to do. We all know when it is the hardest decision to make - and you'd rather not - and it hurts.

Try to be still and reflect on the good times and not focus on the final wonderful thing you did - gave her help getting her wingscat_wings>o - that's why they call them Gone Ahead - you know too that she'll be there waiting for you on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.:rb_icon:

Sending healing vines for your heart...time will help...:bighug::bighug::bighug:
 
It is a hard decision to make. All the logic in the world never seems to make it better. We second-guess, and cry, and wish and at some point settle in to the loss knowing we did all we could do, and we did the best for them, even at the end. But, we are charged with caring for these beautiful creatures and it is our duty to make hard decisions to help them in every way we can, even if the decision is one we would prefer not to make.

I like to tell the story about my beloved kitty JeTaime (means "I love you" in French, if you may not know). My god we had a bond. So much incredible love between us; she was special as they get. I was so fortunate to experience her love. When I had to put her down because she had esophageal cancer - consequently the first animal I had the experience with - I doubted my decision, the doctor's decision and everything involved with it, and was so sick over this. I kid you not...it took me NINE years to get over her loss! Call me a crazy cat lady, but it is what it is and was what it was: l.o.v.e.

You must do kind things for yourself, Karen. Maybe build her a small memorial, and have long conversations with her. All that love you had for her is still there, and will always be, so don't fight it, celebrate it. You obviously were a wonderful cat mom and for that, I personally thank you. They are never far - animal or human. They are just over there, on the other side, still near us, waiting to see us again.

I hold you both it love and healing light.
:bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug:
 
I'm so sorry Karen, my heart breaks for you. I know all too well what you're going through having had to make that decision through the years with kitties and dogs more times than I want to think about. I know the pain is still too raw right now, but in time you will know in your heart that you loved and cared for your sweet Govie and did the ultimate unselfish thing to help her one final time. Thoughts and prayers to you and you're beautiful kitty. :bighug:
 
Dear Karen, it is impossible to gloss over how difficult it is to make that decision. But it is really an act of love. For my first cat, who I loved dearly, was in the very final stages of CRF, I couldn't do it, but my friend said "his little body doesn't work any longer, and there is nothing you can do" I don't know why, but that really made me feel better about the whole thing. Her little body didn't work anymore, and there was nothing you could have done to make it better. Unfortunately, their natural lifespans are much too short. I hope, as in Bobbie's post, sometime soon, your tears turn into a smile at her memory. :bighug::bighug:
 
I read your every word and by the time I finished, Im left speechless. I wish I could tell you something that will take that guilt away and put you at ease but it may be that that is something you will have to process with time.
I used to rescue a lot of animals, most were hurt, ill, some made it but some I had to put down and some crossed the bridge without my help but I still had to watch their little souls leave their body. And I felt guilt with each one, with each decision. It isnt easy either way.
I have a friend that had a cat for 16 years, she and her mom found it abandoned on the street, half alive, when the kitty was only a couple of days old. They cared for her, brought her back to life and she became a member of the family. After a couple of years, her mom died suddenly and this really shook the family. My friend cared a lot for the cat and when the cat got ill (CKD), some years after her moms death, my friend could not make the decision to put her to sleep. She felt it was the only link she still had with her mom and it would be like killing her mom. So she stayed with the cat until last breath. It was hard, the cat suffered and to this day, she still speaks to me with tears in her eyes about the guilt she feels for not having helped her cross the bridge.
It is something we must bear, this weight, it may never go away because either way you do it, it is such a hard decision. What is important to keep in mind is that you did it out of love.
I think Govie, as all the other little ones, is thankful to be feeling no more pain and if you helped with that, you should try and find some peace. I send you many warm hugs, I am absolutely certain that Govie is there with you, she´s not sad, not upset, not in pain, she is only love and she surrounds you! :bighug:
 
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