kitten68
Member Since 2024
7/8/26 Pudgey..
Pudge
the last few hours were horrible. i will remain traumatized frm this and hold it a long time. i’m angry. i dont understand this place.. earth can be so cruel. and vicious. apathy is rampant. i called the doctor so he didnt have to go out badly, and we couldnt even be afforded that his body hold til she could got here.
i slept w him overnight and tried checking on him as much as i could. i cuddled him and held him and cried. he just slept in his litter box more or less. (fortunately i could take him in and out without mess.) i wailed an ocean of tears. i wish i had held and hugged him more….. i knew things werent going ok, but was encouraged to try all these things.. its also not so easy to determine when its time. over the weekend he wasn't doing good, then would be ok considering. i didnt know what me and my cat were to do. i fault myself for that. you get opinions bearing down on you, and i was advised to be careful w fluids.. cuz he was having coughing. but fluids were the one thing especially, after all of this, keeping my cat hydrated enough to go forward. he was really frail tho, w him no longer eating on his own.. but we seemed to manage it. then it really went downhill; it got by me to order more Porus One on time (i know that was helping…), and opinions frm others swayed my judgment on his fluids; he went without one day last week
.. cause there was fear on them absorbing, i had to “check”.. if i had kept up, maybe it would have went differently. his Porus One he went without til Sunday. i wouldnt have done the ESA had i known it was 4-6 weeks.. blame was put on me by others for not getting or doing the right things, too.
and there was no time left. no hope. now, i dont know if it wouldve bought a long time, but things may have gone smoother otherwise had i maybe done differently w the above.. it haunts me a lot rn. and then it stops.. cuz we did work very hard… amidst some really miserable, confusing conditions.
he eventually got his fluids properly, but i decided there was absolutely no more time to take because he stopped being able to drink on his own much.. eating ok but drinking he couldnt do well anymore. i didnt know how how he was gonna get his meds if he couldnt swallow well. i did my best to syringe water, but was also busy tending to my own sadness and wonder if i had been more focused i couldve seen things better. things are going on tho.. and ive been foggy. i got his injectable meds and spent every second i could w him. there wasnt much left to do in terms of therapies without hurting him more. he was fine off and on, more or less stable, when i gave him a snack around 9:30 and i saw him himself, doing ok so so.. then i noticed his body started fading fast.. (remembered later he was thirsty after eating.. and i didnt give enough water then at the time. the doctor later said not being able to drink is probably why it went so fast…….)
i had to watch him struggle to move, struggle to breathe, he cried out a few times.. my soul broke. i sat there, helplessly, w nothing i could do but to hold him and try to comfort him. i didnt know what i was looking at. i shouldve moved him or held him up, but didnt want to hurt him. assumed a drive to the ER wouldve stress panicked/killed him (doctor said so, too..). and i didnt want him dying there, in places that stressed him and he hated. i then had to sit there and watch him struggle even harder to get oxygen…… my cat who was once 15 lbs down to under 8.. the anemia took him down.
finally the doctor came. thankfully earlier than scheduled. we didnt even need all the medicine.. the first was enough. she thought maybe his kidneys caused the hypertension, if it matters. i HATE the whole thing. i know i wont be forgiving anything anytime soon.. the last few weeks were a hell i dont quite understand. the last hour or two right in the very PIT. and me and my cat just trying to be together.. struggling to help his body.
it was my privilege to be chosen by my cat, be w him, do all i did. i’d do more. hes mine. 16 years.. (it brings me comfort a little to know if we hadnt dealt w such rotten personal circumstances all the time, we would’ve probably reached remission, too. theres that i guess.. there is that..) i know i failed and messed up and it isnt easy..
he loved stealing my hair ties; id find em in his dish. he loved water and drinking frm his fountain. he loved to go outside and leave me dead things. hed sit in one spot for hours; id leave and find him exactly where i’d left him. (that was one hard thing when the FD creeped in.. he had to be strictly indoor.. i know its safer..) he loved to play w foam balls and jump up frm the side of the bed to cuddle and sleep. id go to bed and wake up w him in the crook of my arm; it was a reflex somehow on my part.. he was chatty and sometimes would creep up on me like a ninja; rubbing on me and having me jump two feet in the air. he was timid when ppl came by but warmed right up after just two minutes. he’d always greet me at the door. even towards the later times, hed perk up when i came home. he didnt like being picked up for cuddles too long, but if i was away a while, i’d scoop him up for hugs right where we were at the door and his motor would just go and go. he was dapper and the handsomest boy in his little suit. i was, and remain, the luckiest girl.
ive lost the baby and im not doing too good right now cuz of it. because it went poorly.. it was going to be hard enough, but that last hour or two.. this last month or two….. im not all right. tho i do feel relief that the anguish and pain and hardship of it all is done.. im not all right.
the doctor helped a lot.. doing things at home is something i would 1000/10 recommend for anyone whose able to do so. talk on the phone prior, too, if you can. make sure the feeling you get frm them is genuine and not stupid; if you feel good about them, should be ok. one i inquired first was a bit too cheerful and cavalier for my taste. like this isnt an unserious, casual thing. ding dong.
i thank the vast majority for loving and caring about me and my cat.. ty my people for being there for us and caring. without you we couldn’t have done it, through all the health things.. we needed it.. ty for always trying to help. tysm for the kind words.. the good thoughts for my precious.
ty for reading this far if you have. for the nice post.. the comments that have not stopped. i did look from time to time.. ty still for the prayers.………………
we could use em.
PS.
i do have something to say, to the select few of you thinking it was ok to rub salt in my wounds about what i didnt do right, guilt trip me even more about my mistakes……. or how things didnt work out for us. you need to watch how u talk. you very well may be the reason people dont come back on here. i think youre callused and your arrogance is a problem, as if youve done every damn thing right. maybe you were angry things didnt go better for us. so am i. but ive never dealt w this before. what use is it to tell me how i screwed up, at this juncture? i certainly am not missing rn the snide remarks and haughty attitudes some of you get, not just now, but have had over the years. some of you can be pointlessly mean. and critical.
Pudge
the last few hours were horrible. i will remain traumatized frm this and hold it a long time. i’m angry. i dont understand this place.. earth can be so cruel. and vicious. apathy is rampant. i called the doctor so he didnt have to go out badly, and we couldnt even be afforded that his body hold til she could got here.
i slept w him overnight and tried checking on him as much as i could. i cuddled him and held him and cried. he just slept in his litter box more or less. (fortunately i could take him in and out without mess.) i wailed an ocean of tears. i wish i had held and hugged him more….. i knew things werent going ok, but was encouraged to try all these things.. its also not so easy to determine when its time. over the weekend he wasn't doing good, then would be ok considering. i didnt know what me and my cat were to do. i fault myself for that. you get opinions bearing down on you, and i was advised to be careful w fluids.. cuz he was having coughing. but fluids were the one thing especially, after all of this, keeping my cat hydrated enough to go forward. he was really frail tho, w him no longer eating on his own.. but we seemed to manage it. then it really went downhill; it got by me to order more Porus One on time (i know that was helping…), and opinions frm others swayed my judgment on his fluids; he went without one day last week
.. cause there was fear on them absorbing, i had to “check”.. if i had kept up, maybe it would have went differently. his Porus One he went without til Sunday. i wouldnt have done the ESA had i known it was 4-6 weeks.. blame was put on me by others for not getting or doing the right things, too.and there was no time left. no hope. now, i dont know if it wouldve bought a long time, but things may have gone smoother otherwise had i maybe done differently w the above.. it haunts me a lot rn. and then it stops.. cuz we did work very hard… amidst some really miserable, confusing conditions.
he eventually got his fluids properly, but i decided there was absolutely no more time to take because he stopped being able to drink on his own much.. eating ok but drinking he couldnt do well anymore. i didnt know how how he was gonna get his meds if he couldnt swallow well. i did my best to syringe water, but was also busy tending to my own sadness and wonder if i had been more focused i couldve seen things better. things are going on tho.. and ive been foggy. i got his injectable meds and spent every second i could w him. there wasnt much left to do in terms of therapies without hurting him more. he was fine off and on, more or less stable, when i gave him a snack around 9:30 and i saw him himself, doing ok so so.. then i noticed his body started fading fast.. (remembered later he was thirsty after eating.. and i didnt give enough water then at the time.
the doctor later said not being able to drink is probably why it went so fast…….)i had to watch him struggle to move, struggle to breathe, he cried out a few times.. my soul broke. i sat there, helplessly, w nothing i could do but to hold him and try to comfort him. i didnt know what i was looking at. i shouldve moved him or held him up, but didnt want to hurt him. assumed a drive to the ER wouldve stress panicked/killed him (doctor said so, too..). and i didnt want him dying there, in places that stressed him and he hated. i then had to sit there and watch him struggle even harder to get oxygen…… my cat who was once 15 lbs down to under 8.. the anemia took him down.
finally the doctor came. thankfully earlier than scheduled. we didnt even need all the medicine.. the first was enough. she thought maybe his kidneys caused the hypertension, if it matters. i HATE the whole thing. i know i wont be forgiving anything anytime soon.. the last few weeks were a hell i dont quite understand. the last hour or two right in the very PIT. and me and my cat just trying to be together.. struggling to help his body.
it was my privilege to be chosen by my cat, be w him, do all i did. i’d do more. hes mine. 16 years.. (it brings me comfort a little to know if we hadnt dealt w such rotten personal circumstances all the time, we would’ve probably reached remission, too. theres that i guess.. there is that..) i know i failed and messed up and it isnt easy..
he loved stealing my hair ties; id find em in his dish. he loved water and drinking frm his fountain. he loved to go outside and leave me dead things. hed sit in one spot for hours; id leave and find him exactly where i’d left him. (that was one hard thing when the FD creeped in.. he had to be strictly indoor.. i know its safer..) he loved to play w foam balls and jump up frm the side of the bed to cuddle and sleep. id go to bed and wake up w him in the crook of my arm; it was a reflex somehow on my part.. he was chatty and sometimes would creep up on me like a ninja; rubbing on me and having me jump two feet in the air. he was timid when ppl came by but warmed right up after just two minutes. he’d always greet me at the door. even towards the later times, hed perk up when i came home. he didnt like being picked up for cuddles too long, but if i was away a while, i’d scoop him up for hugs right where we were at the door and his motor would just go and go. he was dapper and the handsomest boy in his little suit. i was, and remain, the luckiest girl.
ive lost the baby and im not doing too good right now cuz of it. because it went poorly.. it was going to be hard enough, but that last hour or two.. this last month or two….. im not all right. tho i do feel relief that the anguish and pain and hardship of it all is done.. im not all right.
the doctor helped a lot.. doing things at home is something i would 1000/10 recommend for anyone whose able to do so. talk on the phone prior, too, if you can. make sure the feeling you get frm them is genuine and not stupid; if you feel good about them, should be ok. one i inquired first was a bit too cheerful and cavalier for my taste. like this isnt an unserious, casual thing. ding dong.
i thank the vast majority for loving and caring about me and my cat.. ty my people for being there for us and caring. without you we couldn’t have done it, through all the health things.. we needed it.. ty for always trying to help. tysm for the kind words.. the good thoughts for my precious.
ty for reading this far if you have. for the nice post.. the comments that have not stopped. i did look from time to time.. ty still for the prayers.………………
we could use em.
PS.
i do have something to say, to the select few of you thinking it was ok to rub salt in my wounds about what i didnt do right, guilt trip me even more about my mistakes……. or how things didnt work out for us. you need to watch how u talk. you very well may be the reason people dont come back on here. i think youre callused and your arrogance is a problem, as if youve done every damn thing right. maybe you were angry things didnt go better for us. so am i. but ive never dealt w this before. what use is it to tell me how i screwed up, at this juncture? i certainly am not missing rn the snide remarks and haughty attitudes some of you get, not just now, but have had over the years. some of you can be pointlessly mean. and critical.
my thoughts and prayers are with you 
if you ever want to message me and just rant/vent or anything at all please do….im so sorry.
️
