tessielou
Member Since 2010
What can I say? Only 24 hours ago, she left me. She took the hard decision away from me, because she loved me so much, and she left me. No, I didn't get to say goodbye, but the thoughtful vet tech who took her from me to go do the biopsy, for some reason, stopped and let Tessie and I have a little more time. And, as always, she spoke to me with her eyes. They said, "I love you!" and "Don't be afraid." She always seemed to be more concerned for me than herself. She was a very nurturing kitty. Just a few weeks ago, when we were at the vet, I broke down and told the vet I had cancelled vacation because I couldn't find anyone qualified to take care of her. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. Tessie Lou started licking my hand furiously, as if to say, "It's going to be alright, mom."
So, for all the times I whined in my condos that I was sleep deprived, that I didn't know how the rest of you kept doing this day after day, that caring for Tessie Lou was taking over my life...I DIDN"T MEAN IT!!!! I didn't mean it. I want her back! I'll do it all gladly, if I can just have her back.
The vet said it was so quick and so final. They did her bloodwork, to make sure she was ok for surgery. Everything, including sugars (265) was fine. Then, they brought her back to me and the vet said her growth was bigger (I guess I was in denial), and that her nipple was leaking, and that it didn't look good. She said we would go ahead with the biopsy to know for sure, but reiterated that with mammary cancer at this stage (in many lymph nodes) the surgery would be major - a double radical mastectomy, and chemo and radiation. I told her we had made the decision not to do this and she agreed. And then the vet tech came and took her away, and that was it.
When the vet came in the exam room to tell me, she cried. We both cried...a lot. She said, "Of all cats, not Tessie Lou." She had taken a special interest in her. She said she had felt from the first visit "in my gut" that something was not right with Tessie Lou. That there was something else going on in her body. I had always felt that, too. She said Tessie was obviously much sicker than she let us see, and that the procedure was just too much. They had put in the catheter to administer the anesthesia, and just started to put it in, and she coded. They tried for 1/2 hour to revive her with the drugs and with CPR. She said she never came back. It was final. She said it was a probable heart attack.
They gave her back to me, wrapped in a beautiful white shawl. I called my DH at work, and he came home and dug a grave in the wildflower garden, where our other GA kitties are buried. I went and picked out a beautiful decorative chest to lay her to rest in (on it are the words "Dream, Imagine, Believe"), and together, we buried her. The past 6 weeks or so, we have been working madly to get our country home ready to sell, and move into the city for our retirement years. Now, I don't ever want to leave! I don't want to leave my baby girl. Or my other GA's. I know, their spirits aren't there, but it's a connection to them I don't want to lose.
This morning, signs of her are everywhere. The morning ritual for test, food, fresh water, shot, treat, and lovins is gone. Her supplies basket sits on the counter. TJ sits at his spot where he liked to watch her being tested (a treat always followed for him, too, but mostly he just liked to watch). TJ and I are on the porch together now, and her little grave looms in front of me. I have so much work to do in the wildflower garden to make it worthy of my beautiful little lady. Maybe I'll start tomorrow. No energy for that today.
To all of you amazing, compassionate, devoted people in FDMB, THANK YOU for caring so much for my little girl, and me. I couldn't read your posts last night, but I have read them all this morning. I have NEVER met, and probably will never again, meet such a special group of souls. And I want to make a special mention to JL and Chip, who posted the news for me yesterday. JL came to me on the eve of Christmas eve, when a post went out that a newbie needed help. She drove for two hours to come to my house and show me how to home test and how to give insulin when I was convinced I never could. To me, she is an angel on earth, and Tessie Lou and I will always love her.
TJ has decided he's hungry now (he usually has to play for while first), so I must go feed him. Life goes on, even when your heart is broken.
Much love to everyone, from Tessie Lou and me.
So, for all the times I whined in my condos that I was sleep deprived, that I didn't know how the rest of you kept doing this day after day, that caring for Tessie Lou was taking over my life...I DIDN"T MEAN IT!!!! I didn't mean it. I want her back! I'll do it all gladly, if I can just have her back.
The vet said it was so quick and so final. They did her bloodwork, to make sure she was ok for surgery. Everything, including sugars (265) was fine. Then, they brought her back to me and the vet said her growth was bigger (I guess I was in denial), and that her nipple was leaking, and that it didn't look good. She said we would go ahead with the biopsy to know for sure, but reiterated that with mammary cancer at this stage (in many lymph nodes) the surgery would be major - a double radical mastectomy, and chemo and radiation. I told her we had made the decision not to do this and she agreed. And then the vet tech came and took her away, and that was it.
When the vet came in the exam room to tell me, she cried. We both cried...a lot. She said, "Of all cats, not Tessie Lou." She had taken a special interest in her. She said she had felt from the first visit "in my gut" that something was not right with Tessie Lou. That there was something else going on in her body. I had always felt that, too. She said Tessie was obviously much sicker than she let us see, and that the procedure was just too much. They had put in the catheter to administer the anesthesia, and just started to put it in, and she coded. They tried for 1/2 hour to revive her with the drugs and with CPR. She said she never came back. It was final. She said it was a probable heart attack.
They gave her back to me, wrapped in a beautiful white shawl. I called my DH at work, and he came home and dug a grave in the wildflower garden, where our other GA kitties are buried. I went and picked out a beautiful decorative chest to lay her to rest in (on it are the words "Dream, Imagine, Believe"), and together, we buried her. The past 6 weeks or so, we have been working madly to get our country home ready to sell, and move into the city for our retirement years. Now, I don't ever want to leave! I don't want to leave my baby girl. Or my other GA's. I know, their spirits aren't there, but it's a connection to them I don't want to lose.
This morning, signs of her are everywhere. The morning ritual for test, food, fresh water, shot, treat, and lovins is gone. Her supplies basket sits on the counter. TJ sits at his spot where he liked to watch her being tested (a treat always followed for him, too, but mostly he just liked to watch). TJ and I are on the porch together now, and her little grave looms in front of me. I have so much work to do in the wildflower garden to make it worthy of my beautiful little lady. Maybe I'll start tomorrow. No energy for that today.
To all of you amazing, compassionate, devoted people in FDMB, THANK YOU for caring so much for my little girl, and me. I couldn't read your posts last night, but I have read them all this morning. I have NEVER met, and probably will never again, meet such a special group of souls. And I want to make a special mention to JL and Chip, who posted the news for me yesterday. JL came to me on the eve of Christmas eve, when a post went out that a newbie needed help. She drove for two hours to come to my house and show me how to home test and how to give insulin when I was convinced I never could. To me, she is an angel on earth, and Tessie Lou and I will always love her.
TJ has decided he's hungry now (he usually has to play for while first), so I must go feed him. Life goes on, even when your heart is broken.
Much love to everyone, from Tessie Lou and me.
TJ and I have to find a new normal somehow--being a special needs kitty, she ran the show most of the time. We're both kinda lost right now, but we'll get there.
