Tori- She's Home Now

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Barb and Tori

Barb and Tori

Member Since 2009
Hi everybody. It's been a week and a half now since Tori went to the Bridge. Sorry I haven't been around but to be honest I've been having a real hard time. The first couple of days after Tori passed I was kind of a peace. Then I guess reality set in or at least the other stages of grief raised their ugly heads. I've been experiencing a lot of the "What Ifs and the I Should Have Done This Differently" questions. The kind of doubting that eats away at your heart and mind. In my mind I know that I did the best I could for Tori with what I knew and what my finances would allow. I guess what is eating me most is wondering If I had put her in hospital one more time the week before she passed and had her on IV antibiotics would it have made a difference? I'll never know for sure I guess. All I know is that I loved her with all my heart and that I always will and that it was her time to go.

I picked up her ashes on Wednesday. To be honest I was quite upset about how I was treated. When I got to the vets not one person asked me how I was doing. About 6 staff who knew me and Tori well walked by me and didn't say a word except Hi. The receptionist didn't say anything when I told her I was there for Tori's urn but did get on the computer obviously to see if I'd paid. Really I doubt they would have sent her out to be cremated if I hadn't paid for the service. Anyway I got her urn and left without a so much I'm sorry for your loss. Tori had been a client there ever since she was born and all throughout her diabetes and pancreatitis and cancer treatments. It was as if she never existed. Maybe I'm over reacting, I probably am but that really hurt. The urn she's in is slightly better than the cardboard box that Tiga came home in. I have been looking for a permanent urn for her but it is hard to find a Canadian company that has what I want. I want to avoid custom duties and all the other charges if I can.

I have done a bit of lurking on the Board but really haven't been able to get back yet. Often times I'll read something but it just doesn't really sink in some how. I want to come back but I guess I'm not ready yet. Maybe I expect too much of myself. Anyway know that I think of all of you everyday actually several times a day. I guess it's just going to take some more time to get out of this place I'm in. Luv you all.
 
((((((Barb))))))

I'm glad Tori is home, but sorry the visit to the vet's office was awkward. They probably just didn't know what to say. Sometimes animal people aren't the best people people, so they probably felt as awkward as you did (or maybe they were trying not to cry, or trying not to make you cry). I doubt they were just being cold.
 
Hi Barb - the best part of this post is that your girls home with you where she belongs. You will find that special place for her in your home, you will know it when you find it.

Please don't feel that you didn't do the best for her. Life is so full of what-if's: we can never know if any one of them would have made any difference. The reality is that you loved her, and did everything you could to help her. You did help her, and she knew it. I have never known a bean who tried as hard as you did. As did Tori. One of the most incredible journeys I have ever witnessed. Your girl is proud of you.

I am so sorry that you were treated the way you were when you went to bring her home. It truly made me cry. After all this time... It could very well be that they just didn't know what to say or do. I had always felt that they cared alot for her. I am just so sorry for it all.

I think of you often, wonder how you are doing. I hope in time you will be ready to come and visit us here in LL. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Take care. Hugs from Mannie and me.
 
sucks, but i can relate. my first visit back after harry and cleo's deaths (shadow's been wheezing, and i was terrified), and the receptionist says to me, "oh, so shadow is the only one left." i guess from having gone thru a lot i can just ascribe it to people's sometimes being totally stupid when they don't know what to say. :) they don't mean to say mean things (at least i hope not) but they come out of them unexpectedly and lamely.

most important thing is that you still have your girl kitty with you. doesn't matter what form they take, they are always in our hearts and souls.
 
Barb --

You know from your work that you make the best decisions you can -- and that's exactly what you did for Tori. Let your heart rest easy. You love for Tori guided you and you've got to know that had you made a misstep, there were others -- all of us here or a vet you trust -- would have encouraged you to think about your decision. That didn't happen.

As far as people, well, since my sister's dx of breast cancer, all I can say is I'm am dumbfounded at the stupidity and insensitivity of some people. It alternately makes me cringe or beat someone senseless. The best I can do is feel sorry for them.
 
((((((Barb))))))) I'm glad she is home with you where she belongs. I'm sending lots of hugs and saving up lots more.

Be kind to yourself. Tori fought so many fights - her spirit and your love pulled her through. You did everything you could and more. Tori is in a beautiful place.

Regarding the vets office - I don't know what to say. I know from reading your updates that they cared for her and reading about Dr. Doug was comforting. I think people put up walls and have a hard time coping also. But this could have been a coping skill. I never ever feel I have the right words and end up not saying anything. Writing things is sooo much easier for me than saying it. Especially when I know my heart and eyes will cry, become red eyed and my nose will start running. Sometimes people aren't nearly as strong and brave as the animals in our lives. I hope I make sense.

Regarding the urn, I read that if they ship it USPS and NOT U.P.S, purolator etc no customs fees. There may be a charge for GST but not the crazy customs fees. There is an agreement with USPS and CanadaPost not to do so.

I wish I could ease your pain but only time can do this. I can say that if I were a cat, I would be blessed to have you as my bean.

(((((((Big Hug)))))
 
Barb- you gave your all, and so did your beautiful Warrior Princess...
I won't say be at peace or rest easy, because i know that will only come when it comes.
Just know that our love for you and Tori lives on strong here, and we will feel that way always.

Hoping that your anguish eases, and holding you very close in our hearts...
Celi, Binks, Smudge, and Annie
 
Barb, hugs from my heart. What you are feeling is so very normal and natural.

i've had to euthanise pets and i've ALWAYS wondered if i should've done something different. maybe it's human nature to doubt yourself. It's a hard burden to make decisions about another's life. However,

I was only here for a short time before Tori passed, but it was beyond obvious and clear to me that you were incredibly devoted to Tori. You did absolutely everything possible for Tori - I am positively certain that no one could've done better for her than you did. I would trust my pet with you in a heartbeat.

i hope you can return here - this is a place of people who get it. you have a lot of experience to offer when you are ready.

Rest easy knowing you were a magnificent mom to her. Tori knew you loved her, and she no doubt loved you. as you said, it was simply her time.
 
Oh Barb.....I'm so sorry; it's such a difficult time when they come home but to have been treated like that just makes it even worse. I wish I could give you a real
hug instead of a cyber hug. You can't second guess yourself; when it comes down to it, you know you did the right thing. If you read back over your post that day she crossed, you will know it again. Thinking of you, praying for you.
 
Barb--Your girl is home, that's the most important thing--I have both my dogs next to my bed & both cats will eventually be with me too(hope it's a long time), But I want them to be me when I go, they were better to me than most humans....Maybe the vets office has steeled themselves against loss, maybe they didnt know what to say, It's a hard time--Please dont put blame on yourself, you were the Best FD Mom EVER!!
We here love you & care as when one of ours goes, we all feel it--Our family here--
I am glad she is with you, and love will last furever.HUGS FROM US...
 
((((((Barb)))))))
glad to know you and Tori are together again....she is home with you!!!

as per the vet's experience....maybe they don't know how to talk to you...hard to say....you had a good vet....


thinking of you and praying for you.....
 
Barb..there is nothing you could have done differently. You know that.

As for your treatment at the vet's office, unfortunately it is very typical for some offices and for others not so much. Many people know that I work the reception desk at my vet's office when I'm not working or even on certain shifts when he needs me. I will never return ashes without hugging the person I'm returning them to(assuming that I at lest know them a little), and again telling them how sorry I am for their loss and asking how they are doing. My vet's office sends a sympathy card as well. The vet himself may or may not remember to say something when the person comes in depending on how well and long he knew the animal and how busy he is. They do this so many times a week that unfortunately as sad as it makes them, they get over it quickly.

I took my last cat to an all cat practice and I want to tell you that the treatment when Chance passed away was as different as night an day of what you described. My vet was out of town but called me from Maine that night(as she had when Chance was diagnosed with cancer), to cry with me and tell me how sorry she was. They sent a gorgeous specially designed sympathy card. When I went to pick up the ashes they all practically stopped what they were doing to come out and hug me and make sure I was okay...and about 10 days later I received a beautiful letter from Cornell Feline Health Center informing me that Feline Health in New York City had made a donation in Chance's memory. I'm sure they do this for all of their GA kitty's..but you never feel "unspecial" there.

Take it with a grain of salt. Tori got excellent care when she needed it. We are all here to take care of you. You don't need them.
 
(((Barb)))
My heart is breaking with yours. I am glad that Tori is home with you now....but the bottom line is that we will never, ever have enough time with our babies. No matter how much money we have or how much we try to do, their time comes and we have only to accept it. We must deal with our deep loss on our own....as you are doing now. We cannot go back in time and change things....she is at peace now and maybe you can focus on that thought. It is a comfort to know that she is at peace and that you two did have wonderful years together.....as Sienne said, if you were not doing all you could do, someone would have been talking to you about other options....you DID do all you could for your Warrior Princess...

I am so sorry about the vet office and they way you were treated. I would expect maybe that coldness if I mentioned it to the checkout girl at the food store or a stranger on the street.....but NOT at my vet office. Under the circumstances, with them dealing with pets all the time....what would cause adult vet techs to not say one sympathetic word? Dunno. Can't figure any reason why no one would say anything at all...... doesn't make sense to me. What is wrong with people anyway?
It makes me feel so upset to think that you were left with such sadness. I can't think of one good excuse for it.....
 
(((Barb))) I think the guilt and regrets and second guessing must be part of the grieving process. I know I go through it with Bear Man. I was just talking about it the other day with a friend. With me, I ask myself if I had started him on Dex earlier than I did, or if I had kept him on it longer, would things be different. I know, though, that it would only have delayed the inevitable by days or maybe weeks, and that I would have been doing it more for me than for him. He would have fought for my sake, too, but I couldn't ask it of him. Still, I go over it in my head, and wish that I could have made it go differently.

I am sorry that your vet's staff was so heartless. (((Barb))).
 
I so agree you did everything in your power to help Tori, including helping her cross the Bridge. I'm sorry you did not get more comfort that last visit at the Vet. That does seem insensitive of them and hard to understand. I experienced insensitivity with neighbors, but there's no excuse from a Vet's office.
 
I'm so sorry Barb .. it seems no matter how far we go to take care of our babies, we always have those "what if" questions .. But you can never, ever, ever doubt how much you love Tori, and all you did for her .. and you can never, ever, ever doubt how much she loves you .. and now is just playing and waiting till you meet up again ...
 
(((Barb))) I'm sorry that you're wondering what if, but I agree that it must be part of the grieving process, because I go through that too. It was obvious to me that you did all you could...and I think Sienne put it well, if you were missing something, someone would have said something. I hope you will come to be at peace with Tori's passing...it's always hard. I think you are an exemplary furmom, I've always been impressed with your handling of all of Tori's issues, along with the other things life has thrown at you. I wish I could give you a real hug!

Regarding the vet's office...I'm surprised, I know you were always very pleased with the care Tori received there. I'm really sorry they didn't handle it better...I completely understand why you feel the way you do!

I'm glad you posted....I've been thinking about you, and hoping you were doing ok. Please take care, and let us know if there is anything we can do.
 
i've been thinking about your vet's office and wondering if it is, like mine, staffed with mostly young women. I would say except for the 3 vets in our office that all of the techs and front desk staff except one is between 18-25. I just wonder if they simply don't know what to say. I think in our culture people can be so uncomfortable about death, grief & emotions that they don't do or say anything, especially if they haven't got any personal experience.

I'm not making excuses because it shouldn't have happened. I'm just thinking out loud about what might've been behind it.

regardless, Tori was so very, very lucky to have you.
 
I've been thinking about you lately, I was wondering how you were doing.

I hear you about the ifs. I went through that really recently - sometimes I feel like I still am in that stage. But you surely sound like you made all the good decisions. Don't beat yourself up. Tori was lucky to have you.

As for the staff, I'll go along with some comments that were already made. Maybe they just felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to say.
 
Dear Barb,
Tori is home and that is the most important thing. You did everything you could for your wonderful girl, including letting her go when she told you it was time. The bond between you and Tori will always be strong and loving. Just keep on thinking of the beautiful pictures you have in your mind's eye of Tori's new existence at the Bridge. She is there looking down on you and thanking you for the many lovely years you had together. She is among her friends.
Do your best to forget about the insensitivity you encountered at the vet's office. Perhaps they were having a bad day. But there really are no excuses for that type of treatment. Stu passed far from home in a vet hospital we had never been to. But he was treated so well and we were made to feel that he was very special and that we were doing the right thing for him. Several days after we returned home we received a card from the IM vet who tended to him, her vet techs, and the receptionist. Each of them had written a beautiful note of sympathy on the card. I am sorry that your experience was so different from ours.

We miss Tori, too, and we think of you a lot. The time of grieving is unpredictable. Time seems to stand still, yet the days and weeks go by quickly. Take some time for yourself and your family, and don't forget that your LL family is always here for you.

Many hugs,

Ella & Rusty (& Stu)
 
((((((((Barb)))))))))), i am so glad that Tori is home where she belongs. You were such a good mom to her, never doubt that. It is natural to question the possibilities, we all go through it. But you loved Tori so much and fought at her side, doing all that you could. She was your Warrior Princes, but you were hers.
 
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