Please help me decide whether to keep foster kitties

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Martica and Fred

Martica and Fred

Active Member
Hi

As many of you may remember, my beloved soul cat baby Fred died in October at 20 years old. He was diabetic 5 years and had kidney and heart disease and the last year especially was a lot of care.

The first 2 months were terrible but then I got 3 cats to foster--6 weeks ago. They are nothing like Fred and nowhere as affectionate as him and at first made me a bit sadder (since they are not him). But they have brought a little joy and distraction into my life. I am growing attached to them.

It's a young mom (1year or so) and her two 5-month old kittens. This is a facebook page I made with their pictures if you want to have a look:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001734535816

Or the fb name is: Kitties-whoneedlove Andaforeverhome

I was only initially going to have them for 1 week while they were in transit to new homes, but those fell thru and so I've ended up with them for 7 weeks now.

BUT I just found out from the foster lady that a couple wants the 2 kittens. I have been torn about this for a few days--do I want to give them up now? Should I separate the mom and 2 kitties (the kittes go together luckily)...although they were separated for one month prior to coming to me, now they reunited and she licks them and they all play together.

They are not as affectionate as I would prefer--although that improves day by day. My Fred was Burmese so of course that's about as affectionate as you can get. Also I was thinking I wanted some freedom after taking care of my sick sweet Fred for so long.

But then on the other hand, life is very lonely (I'm single and just broke up with a boyfriend). I work from home (am a writer) although it looks like I have a research job that will get me out a big more starting in a month or so, i do spend a lot of time home alone, and that won't change that much anytime soon. Also, the financial issues are a little bit of a concern as well--I spent 8000 on Fred's medical bills last year and these cats cost 200/month for food and litter alone (3 is a lot more than one old frail cat). And that's no vet bills, although presumably young cats won't need med care that costs a lot for a long time.

But I"m starting to love them and they bring joy in my life definition. I wanted to have more cats as I can't imagine life without them, but I just didn't think it would happen this soon. This situation for permanency wasn't my intention here.

So I'm back and forth. ONe minute, I'm keeping all of them. The next minute I'm ready to give up the kittens and keep the mom till she can get a good home. But I am worried about the kittens--letting them know they are going, or finding out how they feel. I keep asking them if they want me to be their mommy, and of course I can't figure it out. I want to find out how the mom, feels if I give the kittens away and then keep her awhile till we find her a home, and if she wants a new cat and all that. Anyway, I'm confused.

I'm supposed to tell the foster woman tonight whether I can give up the kittens tomorrow.

Could you all please weigh in your thoughts on this to help me decide. I have no 'gut' feeling, since the gut feeling vasciallates.

thank you
Martica
 
Well, if she's been with them most of the time and if they are her first litter, she is going to miss them. You really can't tell with majority of kittens which ones are going to be the love bugs. I have the Twins and even though they are always together, each one individually comes to me when I am sitting down to climb on me for petting and kisses. IMHO, you are asking the wrong people when you ask on FDMB nailbite_smile We're all going to say you should keep all three and that way you KNOW they are safe....you won't worry about them.....and you probably won't foster anymore so you don't have to worry about getting attached to other kitties. Each cat is so unique in personality and you will never find another Fred(GA)......you just have to give a kitty a chance to grow into a mature cat to find out a true personality, quirks and all.
 
I fostered a mom and two kittens in August two years ago. The kittens found homes, mom is now mine and I love Angel dearly. She is very happy here but she has lots of playmates. I'm sure she'd be bored being so young if she didn't have playmates.

I have a new mom/2 kittens foster situation now. Once ready they go to a sanctuary in NY where I won't ever know what happens to them. I hope the kittens find a home together, I hope the mom goes to home with other cats so she's not lonely.

This decision is one that only you can make. Kittens going together to a home is wonderful and normally I would say let them go so you can foster again because there are few foster homes, but if you don't plan to foster again, then this woman could adopt two other kittens who need a home and then that shelter could have space to take in more.
 
tuckers mom said:
This decision is one that only you can make. Kittens going together to a home is wonderful and normally I would say let them go so you can foster again because there are few foster homes, but if you don't plan to foster again, then this woman could adopt two other kittens who need a home and then that shelter could have space to take in more.
Click to expand...
I agree with Jennifer.
 
Trust your instincts. There is no right or wrong decision and if you decide not to keep them, don't feel guilty, you did your part, you fostered them and help them to get to their furrever home.

When fostering, it's not meant to be a forever situation, only temporary. And while one can't help falling in love, you really need to think about are these/this the cat(s) I want to keep?

You will never replace Fred and it's not something you should try to do. The answer really is easy, when you are truly ready to have new cats, you will know and you won't be wavering on the decision.

It's very possible, that these cats were good for your short term needs, but aren't you're long term loves. And that's ok. hope this helps.
 
If you enjoy fostering, let the kittens go to a new home. Then you would have room to foster again. From a rescue perspective, good foster homes are like GOLD. They are so hard to find!

On the other hand, some people can't foster because they can't let them go. I always loved fostering kittens and making them sociable and loving. Always in the back of my mind was the fact that I was getting them ready to be a good pet for someone who really wanted a kitten/cat. I sent them on their way with a kiss and a favorite toy.

Sometimes I would hear how they were doing, most often not. One kitten I fostered actually came back to me after 6 years. What a love he is!

Bless you for taking them whichever decision you make tonight.

Claudia
 
Has the couple come over to visit with them? Sometimes that might help you decide - I used to foster and when I saw that the people who wanted to adopt them were totally in love with them and already doting on them, it made it feel "right" to me to give them up. Sometimes people would come over and just not really click with the cats, and then it was always a relief not to hear from them again. If you know they are in love with THESE two kitties then that might make your decision easy. Vs. a couple that simply wants any two kitties - if you are already attached, then let them find some other kitties!!!!

I think there is real merit to the advice not to make big decisions for 6 months after a loss - your "gut" feelings (in my experience) are all over the map for months and you can't get a fix on how you really feel. It is a lot to take on 3 kitties, and although I certainly support anyone who is up to the joy & the challenge I would also say that if you don't know if that is really what you want right now, it's ok to give them to a good home and feel good that you were able to help along their journey, and leave it at that.

Not much help am I :) I can argue either way, LOL. I am sure you will make a good choice, just give yourself as much time as you can to sleep on it, and trust that it will all work out ok.
 
hm.. well I think it sounds like you are not sure these are the right fit for you. There are more cuddly cats and less cuddly cats. If you want a more cuddly cat, I wouldnt settle for one not as cuddly as you want.

You are falling in love because you are their caregiver, and I am sure you will love them if you decide to keep them, but are they "clicking" for you? It didnt sound like it. Make sure that your expectations are being matched.

I will confess that I did not really click with Carly at first in the shelter-her name was Patches then. In fact, she had been there a long time, and usually I focus on long termers.. it wasnt til the diabetes that I focused on her and thats partly because Merlyn was already OTJ. She isnt a cat that I would normally have gravitated toward. But... I do love her, and when push came to shove and some folks wanted to adopt her, I had been fostering her for 1yr and 5 mos and couldnt let her go. She was already an adult, not a kitten.
 
Thank you all, all your comments help. I still am betwixt and between and have to decide by 1pm today. I still have no friggin idea what to do. The little tiger boy came up to me in the night, maybe 4am and started snuggling, purring, licking me. If they all were doing that, it would be a no brainer. They tend to do that on my desk when I'm working. But anyway, it's on their terms and not unlimited, so that's the connection part. And their is the expense and 'commitment'. I was thinking after Fred died I'd have all this 'freedom', but I think that's fantasy freedom anyway because in real life my life isn't all that spontaneous or jet setting! And young cats of course are a lot less limiting than Fred was anyway when I couldn't leave him hardly at all in his last year, even to go out to dinner sometimes.

Yikes, just don't know how to weigh this out. I would still have the mom if the kittens go today. And then I will feel bad for her and will go thru it again, getting more attached probably cuz we both will be more needy and then letting her go. And then I will be all alone. And then, what, I get more cats?

I had also envisioned adopting a bunch of old, sick, diabetic cats as my future calling--esp after learning all the critical care stuff with Fred. But of course, THAT is really a lot of time, money and emotional commitment and that couldn't happen at this point in my life.

And I was looking at a Burmese rescue group on FB (Fred was Burmese) and saw an older pair that need home. Then I was thinking maybe I should just do that.

OR maybe the kittens and all of them will get really lovey dovey as soon as they realize this is their forever home and they trust me more. It's not that they are NOT loving, they are, just not enough. Fred would lie in my arms for 5 hours straight and let me kiss his face for one hour and purr voraciously. It's hard to have cats that don't want all that love!

And then there is the litter (3 cats is a lot of poop scooping, Fred was in diapers in the end so it was easy). And the buying of all that food. For 2 months it was nice not to have to worry about this stuff.

Then again, what is the cost of loneliness and the price for love and warmth?

Also I still need to meet someone and get married. Obviously I want a guy who is a cat person, and fantasize about having multiple cats in the future. However, I have to be realistic and is being crazy cat lady right now the right marketing strategy? :)

Yikes, I don't know WHAT to do.

Please, more feedback. I have to go out for a few hours and then have about 2 hours to make a final decision. SOOO confused. I don't want to give them up and regret it.

Also, I don't think I can foster again. This just doesn't work for me. I obviously get too attached, but I can't deal with repeated loss. I can see sending them to a good home is a good charitable endeavor, but I'm not sure that where I am in my life allows me to keep that distance. I'm as needy as the foster kitties.

I feel esp. bad for the mom, but the kittens are a bit cuter to me. But I sense that she is less settled. She is sitting on my desk as I write, about 1 foot from me. SHe is sweet, but if I pet and kiss her fine, but if I snuggle too close, she gets up and moves to the other side of the desk. But I sense that she also doesn't trust that this is her home and she's had a rough time of it in several homes. I think all these kitties are lucky, no shelters, but they have been passed around and so I feel bad and want to offer them security too. But I am also trying to weigh out my own selfish needs vs. their needs, but that's tough because I feel bad if I overlook their needs.
 
One more thing. It's been 20 years since I've had kittens so I just don't remember how they are. And the mom is essentially a kitten too (about 1 year).

Is the nature of kittens that they don't sit still for long? So is some of this non-enough-affection simply due to their age? And also once they are comfortable and hear a long time will they then want to sleep by my head, etc.? Currently they sleep on the bed, but not near me and not touching me. Or they sleep on the floor next to the bed.

I never recall Fred and his brother Artichoke ever being anything other than affectionate, even as kittens, but then I didn't have a whole lot to compare it to back then, I don't remember much anyway, and also as Burmese they were going to be more affectionate anyway.

confused.

(as tiger boy kitten walks around my desk and rubs against me and purrs and tries to kiss my one eye)
 
Martica,

I'm going to focus on the lovey, dovey, snuggy part.

I took in a feral kitten from my porch - Buster. Her mom still lives outside. For the first two years, Buster lived with me, she didn't allow me to touch her. She wouldn't come near and when I attempted to pick her up, she would slink down or run away. The only one she wanted and gave all her attention to was my little feline boy, Jake.

When Jake got sick, I believe he told Buster if she wanted love and attention she would have to turn to me as neither Sydney or Maui would give it to her.

After Jake died, it took Buster several months, before she allowed me to swipe a pet. Then slowly (as she got lonely) she tested things out. It's now 5 years later and this cat who wanted nothing to do with me, now gets between me and Maui and snuggles against me all the time. She's very affectionate.

My point is, some cats are people focused and some are other animal focused. Buster was animal focused until she had no choice. In your situation with two sibling kittens, my guess is they will stay focused on each other, more than a bean. Over time, it may change, but it may not.

If you are able to live with that, then keep the family intact. However, if you are looking for a bean focused cat, then I say let them go.

Again, I say this for your situation only and only because you are still on the fence and ambivalent about your decision. Which to me says, you are not ready and to make the decision easier, you want someone to tell you what to do.

Of course, nobody can tell you what to do. You have to put on the big girl pants and do that yourself. We can only suggest, guide and offer support for whatever decision you make.
 
You may find the mom cat becomes more affectionate if the kittens are no longer there.

Or she may remain a "satellite" cat - near you, but not big on being held or petted.
 
Gosh, I wish I knew how to help you, I can tell you are on all sides on the question!!! Sometimes when I feel like that, I have found if I can sit quietly for a few minutes the "answer" will pop in my head. For me, the more I go in the direction of thinking things through, often the further I get from clarity. If I can stop thinking about it, sometimes then I realize it is already clear to me and all the thoughts were distracting me from realizing that. Sometimes also taking a walk helps me to clear my head, and after a few minutes of enjoying the fresh air and sunshine I feel a lot clearer about things. The bottom line I think is there really isn't a right answer, it sounds like they will have a good home whether you keep them or give them away, so happily all the answers here are good. And don't worry about being lonely and all that if you do give them up, I am sure you will have plenty of cats and people in your life moving forward - if not right this minute, then in a little while. So anyhow, I don't know what time zone you are in so you may have already decided by now.... hopefully you are feeling good about your choice... it's all good, just remember that!!!!
 
I only skimmed part of this but....I am a stickler for adopting adults. You could not pay me to adopt a kitten. Kittens are like marrying on the first date. You have no idea if they are going to squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of leave their dirty underwear on the bedpost.

Ooops...wrong species.

Give me an adult any day. I have watched cuddly kittens morph into aloof adults and vice versa.

When it comes time for me to get another cat, it will be an adult, for sure. Plus, I am a sucker for the underdog and having spent so many years in rescue work, the adults are the ones who need me.
 
Thank you all, everyone is all very helpful. And yes, part of the problem is that it's a complex issue for me and I have pros and cons on every side of the equation. Currently I'm leaning towards keeping them. I got a bit more time after talking to the foster woman.

Of course, my opinion seems to shift with whomever I've last spoken to. So my neighbor, who had 2 cats, came over a little while ago and said keep them. They were afraid of her, she couldn't pet them, but she brought a fishing pole toy over and they did play with that with her. That bothers me a little that they were so distrusting of her, and then after she left they then wouldn't let me pick them up, even thought they haven't minded for a few weeks about that. So go figure. My neighbor thinks I'm judging too soon and too harshly.

I do sort of think that my expectations are unrealistically high, Fred was just a special and rare cat.(As was his brother Artichoke). Maybe NO cat I ever get will be like my Burmese boys who came from one stable family home and never had upheaval in their lives--nor met a human they didn't like.

I started thinking how sad I will be when they go, and how worried about the mom, and if they leave, and I then bond with her, then it will be just as hard to give her up. And so I would maybe keep her--and then think I should get another cat for her, etc. And if so, why not just keep them all.

So that's my current stance 6pm EST. I have another hour or two before I call the cat lady again but it seems like the easiest thing to do. I was going to get older cats, and sick ones, yes, but I def. could not do that now for a bunch of reasons. And I was going to get more cats, just not so soon. Although maybe like getting pregnant, no time is the right time but when it happens you just accept it.

I don't know. My current stance is : keep, and hope that they grow more loving.
 
Ya know Marticia we got Trouble from an older gentelmam who passed away from cancer. Trouble squeezed right in. He was a snuggler and lap kitty.
Waldo came to us as a kitten, via next door neighbors who were VERY weird. Waldo chose us. He has NEVER been a lap kitty, doesnt like to snuggle at all. But I know he loves us. PLUS he is the funniest darn cat . He keeps us laughing every day.

I have accepted him not being that "close snuggly" type kitty because he is just a joy to have in our lives. It's a crap shoot. You never know what you're gonna get.

jeanne
 
If you don't feel like you are in love with them and someone else wants to adopt them, I would actually lean the other way (just to confuse you ohmygod_smile ) and give them up. I'm not sure that hoping they will get more loving is getting things off to a good start...? I mean, what if they don't?

It sounds like maybe you are afraid to let them go because then you will be back to grieving again, and you have just found something that helped take you out of the grieving a little bit? I may be off target, that's just what jumps out to me. Do you think there is any chance the adopters would take mom cat too? Then they could all stay together, and that would solve at least some of your dilemmas.
 
Welcome to the world of Foster Flunking. I flunked 4 times my first year. :-D

Then after ~550 fosters.... I learned that babies and moms can be separated and do just fine (*often better since there can be just as much inter-cat aggression among related animals as unrelated animals)...and siblings can be separated and do well also.

Still...so much about rescue work and fostering hurts like hell. I still worry and wonder about each and every one of them. Did I find them a good home?? Are they doing well?? Are they loved??................

The angst is enough to kill anyone who loves animals.....
 
I'll just tell you what I would do, if it were me.

I'd give the kittens up; they will have each other.

I'd keep the mom-cat.

She will probably become much more
bonded to you when the kittens are gone.
 
Karen & Smokey(GA) said:
I'll just tell you what I would do, if it were me.

I'd give the kittens up; they will have each other.

I'd keep the mom-cat.

She will probably become much more
bonded to you when the kittens are gone.
Click to expand...


Ditto. A strong "ditto".

I just read the OP and found out that the kittens will have each other. Those types of adoptions are few and far between and, if it is a good home, than I would...in a heartbeat....let the kittens move on.

Going from 0 to 3 cats is a lot.....and there is NO guarantee that they will all get along with each other in the future.

Keep the mom...or find her a new home...but keep in mind that it is very hard to find homes for adults.
 
Some kittens take longer than others to reach that cuddly stage. With Cracker, he became a cuddler around 3-4 months old. Indie is just now discovering how much fun it is to cuddle and he is almost 7 months. It is a difficult decision.

I originally wanted to find homes for all 5 of Duquessa's kittens. I did find homes for three with my sister and brother. I thought I found a home for Cracker and Indie but that fell through. In a lot of ways I was glad because I realized that I did not want them going to strangers. If it was someone I knew, then I would feel differently. But right now, my plans are to keep them. I realized because of this, I could not foster. Every time I have tried, I end up keeping them. I only have room for so many cats and I have reached my limit. :lol:
 
I dont really have any advice, sorry.
I just wanted you to know I TOTALLY get where you are coming from.
I lost my one and only cat EVER cat in July. I said I would foster after she was gone...and wanted to do so for elderly and/or special needs kitties. Once put in the position, I couldnt do it. Im just too exhausted after so much love, and so much effort was put into my dear Latte. I did end up with a foster cat a few months later. Cant say it was the right or wrong timing. It just was. Some days I find it REALLY hard. Too many reminders. Other days I am so grateful for a purposeful distraction. And yes, this foster is the complete opposite of Latte. Day and night (literally). No special needs other than losing weight (obese) and rambunctious because she is young. its going to be hard to let her go when/if the time comes. But Ive committed to the loss. I personally cannot keep her, even if I wanted to in the end.

Im glad you are thinking this through. You have had a lot of great advice. When the moment comes for you to decide, you will make the right one...no matter what it is.
 
Hi all
Well Johanna was right, I am a little afraid of grieving again...and I started thinking about it. I have not been without cats in my life for precisely 20 years...and those two months after my Fred died were excruciating. These cats are not him but they made it all less lonely.

I went tortureously back and forth all day yesterday. If they all 3 were going at once I could have done it, but the separatioin issues about what would happen to the mom alone and if she could adapt to another cat (apparently she'd already attacked a dog in another possible forever home and they gave her back)..and I was so confused and pressured, it just seemed easier to just stay with status quo and keep them.

I sort of decided that it was like getting pregnant. It's rarely the right time but it happens and you deal and accept it. So like these kitties coming now, not exactly when I envisioned, but if I"m afraid to be without cats again, which I am, then I just have to accept that this is my fate. I think they are more loving than I think, and again, more like normal cats--Fred and Artcihoke were beyond normal in terms of affection so my standard for future cats is probably totally unrealistic.

It's a little scary...to think that I've just now committed to 15 to 20 years even though I have no idea what else my future holds, but whatever. If circumstances in my life were different to where I didn't feel like I needed this companionship, I could have done it, but they're not. And I know I could give these kitties, esp. the mom a good home and this way I don't have to feel guilty.

I feel like they are already a bit more affectionate today, little boy has been cuddling like crazy. So the kittens have names now-- Rosie and Henry. And not sure about the mom yet, waiting for something to come to me. She came to me with a name from the foster lady, but I don't think it's right and have never called her that. So we'll see if she gives me some signs of what she wants to be called.

Thanks again, this was super hard and I just never should ahve fostered in the first place but these ktties will make my life better and it would have happened at some point anyway, so might as well be now.

They are on Wellness from day 1 so hopefully these kitties won't be getting diabetes. At least I know a lot from my care of Fred now how to troubleshoot so that hopefully they won't get all the disease he got.

thanks again
Martica (and Beloved Fred) and now Rosie, Henry and not-sure-yet mom.
 
Congrats on your three new family members!!!

I wasn't going to chime in while you were fence sitting, but I know exactly what you mean about it is sort of like getting pregnant...It never happens precisely when you would like it to, and you are never sure what kind of little person you are going to get until they get here.

I have a houseful here that most of them are not the breed or "kind" of cat I would have selected for myself, they were just the ones that needed the home that I could supply at the time. I've never looked back and have never regretted a single one that has joined the family. I have some that were super cuddly kittens that grew into aloof adults and vise versa. But each and everyone of them are so unique in their personalities I couldn't imagine life without them.

Mel, Max & The Fur Gang
 
That is great that you are starting a family again cat_pet_icon and I love their names! All of my kitties have been fosters, and some of them I really wanted to place but finally gave up, and then later have been so happy I got to keep them all afterall. Even some who were not too loving for years got more so as they got older, and in a way it was a fun challenge. One went from not even wanting to sit next to me on the couch to being a lap cat after YEARS of coaxing, LOL. They each have their own personalities and to me that is part of the joy of cats - you never know what you'll get, and when you think you have them figured out, you discover they have changed.

Congrats, and best wishes for everything! :-D
 
Congratulations :) I hope we can see pictures of your lovely new family soon.

Now, if the lady who wanted your kittens wants a beautiful bonded pair about 16 weeks old, I've got two :) Although I'm sure there are tons of kittens up your way too.
 
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I"m still a little hesitant and freaked out about the long term implications, but oh well. I can't worry about the future right now. Mom still has no name, waiting for something to come to me that fits. I will put pics up but if you can access the link to the Facebook page above in my initial post above you can click on the wall pictures and scroll thru the photo album. Of course all those pics are 3-5 weeks old so the kittens are bigger now.

Henry seems to be becoming more of a cuddler boy and Rosie even jumped up to sit in my lap today (first time, before she'd only sat next to me). So we'll see. But I miss my Fred terribly terribly terribly.
 
Jennifer? Are your 2 kittens near NYC? If so, if you want to PM me some pics I can sent them to the foster lady who can get in touch....
 
I've posted the pics in other threads, so I'll post them here too, we're in CT, the bad thing is I have them right now because shelters wouldn't take them until their ringworm is cleared up. Looks just about completely gone, but need to run DTM cultures to be sure.

This is Anna (aka Anna Banana):
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l39/j ... b2c9b7.jpg
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l39/j ... 23b654.jpg

Oliver:
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l39/j ... 1497d7.jpg

Oliver still trying to get milk from mom, they are eating regular food but still sneaking milk:
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l39/j ... 1cfe3f.jpg

Cuddle time:
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l39/j ... 89f5dd.jpg

I am not fostering them through my own rescue group, a young lady found them on January 6th, tried to get local shelters to take them, a mass email went out to CT rescue folks asking if anyone would take Ringworm kitties. The young lady has volunteered at Mid Hudson Animal Sanctuary in NY and that sanctuary has promised to take them once clear of RW.
 
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