New cat regret? Help!

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SarahFL

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My sugarcat died on Thursday after 8 months of illness, and I went straight from the vet's office to the shelter, figuring that I needed to make something good come from her death. I brought home a great 3-ish yr old guy, and my household (1 laid-back 12 yr old male, 2 6-yr old calicos) was immediately plunged into chaos. I selected this guy because his personality reminded me a lot of the other cat I lost this year, an older male who was my dominant cat's best friend. I've had him segregated so that I could introduce him slowly, and have done all the normal towel-swapping and stuff, but my dominant calico (she's both dominant and shy) is NOT HAPPY. I've gotten to the point where I can feed them all within view of each other, him in his room and the resident cats outside the room, but otherwise dominant cat hisses her pants off at both New Cat and at her sister and brother, and is spending a lot of time hiding under the bed. New Cat is also not very happy--he was apparently an outdoor cat before spending the last 5 months in the shelter, and he can't believe that his life is now limited to my condo. I think he's also feeling left out being stuck in the spare bedroom.

I feel like, in trying to do something good, I've ruined the life of my resident cats. But I'm also feeling awful about my recent cat's death (she went through a LOT this past year, and if I had known it was going to end like this, I wouldn't have made the same decisions), and I don't know how much of that is coloring my feelings toward the new guy or the feelings that I'm projecting onto my resident cats. I don't know what to do ... do I ride this out? Do I find him a new (*good*) home? How long do I give it?
 
SarahFL said:
My sugarcat died on Thursday after 8 months of illness, and I went straight from the vet's office to the shelter, figuring that I needed to make something good come from her death. I brought home a great 3-ish yr old guy, and my household (1 laid-back 12 yr old male, 2 6-yr old calicos) was immediately plunged into chaos. I selected this guy because his personality reminded me a lot of the other cat I lost this year, an older male who was my dominant cat's best friend. I've had him segregated so that I could introduce him slowly, and have done all the normal towel-swapping and stuff, but my dominant calico (she's both dominant and shy) is NOT HAPPY. I've gotten to the point where I can feed them all within view of each other, him in his room and the resident cats outside the room, but otherwise dominant cat hisses her pants off at both New Cat and at her sister and brother, and is spending a lot of time hiding under the bed. New Cat is also not very happy--he was apparently an outdoor cat before spending the last 5 months in the shelter, and he can't believe that his life is now limited to my condo. I think he's also feeling left out being stuck in the spare bedroom.

I feel like, in trying to do something good, I've ruined the life of my resident cats. But I'm also feeling awful about my recent cat's death (she went through a LOT this past year, and if I had known it was going to end like this, I wouldn't have made the same decisions), and I don't know how much of that is coloring my feelings toward the new guy or the feelings that I'm projecting onto my resident cats. I don't know what to do ... do I ride this out? Do I find him a new (*good*) home? How long do I give it?
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I'm so sorry to hear about your sugarcat. Am I seeing right? You should brought home newguy 3 days ago? That is not a lot of time. It took me months to integrate Pearl! I found Feliway diffusers were helpful. I honestly would keep them totally separate for longer and slooowly try letting them see each other. I know you will get more help soon, but I wasn't to the "see" stage for a week.
 
(((((hugs))))) I am so sorry you lost your sugarbaby.

That is great that you could take in another kitty who needed a home. I agree you need to give them time to adjust - both to the loss, and to the new kitty in the house. When I brought in new kitties (years ago) I kept them in a separate room for at least a week - the one time I tried to integrate them quickly there was much hissing & hiding, a general disaster all around.

Keep in mind too that with the loss, the kitties you had already may have to renegotiate their power heirarchy, so there may be some struggles going on even without New Cat in the picture. I lost a couple dominant cats last year, and I found even though I thought the power issues were already settled among the remaining cats, they went through phases of working things out, which meant some hissing and a few smack-downs til they sorted it out and went back to getting along just fine. That really surprised me, but I guess every time there is a change, they have to confirm where everyone stands. I noticed it off and on for maybe a week or two (?) after each loss.

If it just does not feel right to you though, there is no shame in finding him a good home, sometimes that is necessary. You may find too with your loss that your emotions are really up & down, and you may not really know how you feel about New Cat for months. I'd agree with your assessment that you may be doing some projecting and/or being overly worried about them (based on my own experiences, not anything in particular that you said) - I would think the new guy is probably pretty happy to have an entire bedroom to himself after being at a shelter for 5 months!!!! For me when I have lost kitties, I have learned basically not to trust my reactions to anything for at least the first couple weeks, if not the first few months. I usually have a pretty cloudy state of mind & emotions for a minimum of 5 or 6 months.

You might also get good advice on the Grief forum if you haven't stopped by there, and also there is a site I have found invaluable at times http://www.petlossmessageboard.com/. I suspect you will find others in both places who are dealing with similar concerns, or have at one time or another.

many hugs :) please don't beat yourself up about what your sugarkitty went through, or what your kitties are now dealing with. I'm sure you have done your best, sometimes it's just beyond our control and it all around s*cks. :( Cats adapt pretty fast, so hopefully your crew will settle down in a few days and get more used to each other and maybe even bond at some point. They have to do their cat thing first though - hiss & make a fuss & all that, or they wouldn't be kitties!!! :) If you can, give them some extra love & attention, they are probably grieving and unsettled too, but they will be ok. :)
 
I am actually in the same predicament right now. Two weeks after Bob passed, I brought home a new cat. Sweet, affectionate and just a lovely cat. Well, my two senior cats have decided that they want nothing to do with him and every time I try to bring him out of the bedroom, chaos ensues. I has been six weeks and if he weren't so sweet, I would have thrown in the towel already. I am awaiting any replies that you get, I also have tried blanket exchange, rubbing their faces on socks, baby gates. Kind of at my wits end. Oh, and just in case you are feeling guilty about the regret thing, don't. You are not alone, I have been feeling it too because this really isn't fair to poor little Teddi, who is stuck in the bedroom!
 
Hi Sarah,

Please accept my condolences on the death of your sugarpuss. You had a rough time of it and it says a lot about the loving character you have that you wanted to give a needy cat a chance. But this isn't a case of no good deed goes unpunished, it's just a wrinkle that time will iron out.

Your calico girl is female, and all females are territorial, that's why she's having hissy fits. She will get over it. It's a natural female reaction to be protective of the home and family, it's actuallly necessary for the survival of species. As soon as she realizes your new boy isn't going to be a threat she will chill out.

And Bob's Mom, if you brought a playful youngster to two seniors it's probably his energy level that's bothering them. Have you thought about another cat of the same age? And do be aware of the territoriality of females as I mentioned to Sarah. It's the reason all my cats are, and will be, boys.
 
I gotta say if there is anyway you guys could make a door that has a screen in it, maybe even just at floor level, it will help. I had no way to do this, so what I did was create a "door" with three baby gates floor to ceiling. It was a pain to go through (I would remove the middle one, climb throuhg and replace it) but it worked. I just cut the apartment in two with it (after a week of no see at all). I'd still put Pearl in her own room when I was gone and at night. In fact, I kept her separated when I was gone and at night for at least two months after I brought down teh gate. I still had to really work at it. But I will say, having the complete separation, yet able to see and hear each side really helped.
 
Adding my condolences on the loss of your kitty. It is a difficult thing to go through. What you wrote sounds similar to what I went through. I do still have my new cat, Abigail, and even added one more, Sasha. My 2 new ones get along but my older civie, Phoebe, does not really care for them and it has been over 1 and a half years. It still bothers me that they do not get along but I do know that Abigail needed a place to feel safe and now she has it and is loved. Of course I hope your situation resolves quicker than mine but if not just know that you are sharing your love with New Cat...and if you decide to rehome him no one will blame you. And your dominant calico sounds just like my Phoebe...sheis also a calico and shy, but still dominant.
I also wanted to add that I just read that when you get a new cat give them their own room and feed them as you are doing already, but it also said that when the new cat is in a deep sleep to let the resident cat go into the room and check it out. I did the baby gates and feliway and swapping of scented clothes, nothing worked..I wish I had tried this technique, hopefully it will help your calico get to know the New Cat.
 
I agree with the baby-gates- I've done the exact same thing, three high so they can't jump over. After my cat Sam died a couple months later I went out and got a kitten for my other cat- who was 10yrs at the time- he didn't want anything to do with the new one- I felt he was greiving over the lose of his bff, it took a long time before my older one even payed him any attention- its been two years now and the older one has just now started to play with him. I read -after I adopted the kitten (Freddy)- not to get a kitten for a older cat- it will stress him out, but the kitten was pretty mellow so I thought it would work- and it has now but did take a long time. Be patient they will get along.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. May God bring you comfort.

As for the situation, you are doing the right thing. But I have found that it usually takes weeks, often months for things to truly settle down after a significant change in cats' lives, such as a move, a death, a new arrival, etc. Try to be patient and give it time. They will settle in, work it out, settle down. In the span of the long life you just offered a new cat, and the new companion you brought to your existing cats, what's a few weeks or months. Patience and gentle, patient attention and affection will help it all settle in.

You did an admirable thing saving a life.
 
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