My heartbreak

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Jana & Tuxedo

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I have only been on here for a couple of weeks as my Tuxedo was first diagnosed with DM a couple of weeks ago. He didn't do well, and further investigations have revealed that he has lymphoma. He is failing fast. We have tried some chemo drugs and pred, but it seems that he is not responding. This all started with a sudden spike in BG, thus the DM diagnosis. But when his numbers evened out on insulin, he still wasn't doing well. We stopped the insulin, and he still wasn't well. Anyhow, I'm feeling horrible today, as I know the time is very near. I have had him all his life (15y) and he is by far the best cat I have ever had the honor to know. So much character and spunk. Such a blessing that I have had him this long, but how do you say goodbye to such a dear friend? I know many of you have dealt with this too. I have worked at a vet for 25 years, and seen much sadness with pet loss. But when it is your own, you see things so much differently - and it hurts so much.
 
I'm so sorry Jana. I know how you feel, because I think I feel the same way. My cat Gabby just passed away last week after a 7 month battle with stomach cancer. I'd had her since I was 16 years old (she was 16). She was my everything, my best friend. She was always there to comfort you when you needed her. I got her about 6 months before my grandfather passed away, who was the first person I ever lost who was important to me, and she'd been there to comfort me for every loss or tragedy in my life. I don't even know how to deal with the tragedy of her loss without her.

When she stopped eating last week, I knew it was time. I didn't want to take her in, it was so hard. I thought maybe if I wait just a few more days she'll start eating again. I even called and postponed the appointment to a later day in the week. But I knew it was time because even though she started eating a little bit again, it wasn't enough for her to live. So I took a few days off from work and spent every moment I could with her. On the morning of her appointment, we had some surprisingly warm weather, so I took her for a walk outside. I'm so glad she got to go outside one last time, because she loved our walks, and she even perked up and ate quite a bit of turkey (her favorite food) that morning. I tried not to be upset until after her appointment, because I didn't want her to spend her last moments comforting me.

I dream about her almost every night, that she's in bed next to me. I know eventually it will get better, but right now it just hurts too much.
 
Oh Jana. It is so hard to say good bye to such a dear, true friend. All I can say is that I have done it twice, with kitties that I loved for over 10 years each. It was so difficult, but I did know that I was doing a kind thing. Something that would ease their pain and cause me pain in return. With each of my sweet guys, I held them and told them how much they were loved. I cried and cried. And eventually, I would find myself remembering things that made me smile, instead of cry. And eventually I found another kitty that needed a home before he would be gone forever.

It's hard. I hope you can enjoy your last days together and then give him the best gift - of peace and no more pain. He will always be around, everytime you think about him.

Please consider posting over on our grief forum. It can be a wonderful support system for you. viewforum.php?f=16
 
Jana, I am so sorry to read about Tuxedo. In some cases, FD is the first thing to show up but in reality it is the secondary disease, not the main problem which in Tuxedo's case seems to be a cancer. We all know when we take on a pet that the day will come when we have to let them go and no matter the years given, they are just never long enough. I'm sure you know the meaning of euthanasia and I ,for one, am so thankful we can do that for our pets. We also learn and know our cats patterns and somehow they do let us know when the time has come. We love them enough to let them go and as it has been said many times over the years on this board, it is our final gift of love we can give them. That we are with them, in our arms, when we help them on their way. They live in the present, they don't know tomorrow might not be here for them, only we know that. We have years ahead of us to cry and miss them but we love them so much we don't want to let them go, but we have to.

My heart goes out to you because this road you are on is not an easy one. It plays with your mind, your heart, you can physically make yourself sick not knowing is this the right time, should I wait more. May you have a lot more time with Tuxedo and may you be granted the knowledge to know when he needs to be helped to the Bridge.
 
((Jana)) I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is not easy. But I know you are doing the best you can for your sweet Tuxedo and I know he feels your love everyday.
 
((((((Jana)))))))
I have been thinking about you guys and wondering how it has been going.
I am so so sorry.
I know about Lymphoma. It is what took Abby from us as well.
It is just heartbreaking.

Thinking of you all and sending love
Kimmee
 
Thank you all for your kind words. My tears are still flowing. He is still with me, but fading. And then one moment he looks almost normal....hard to read. I just feel such a sense of great loss - I just lost my mother 2 months ago in a sudden and traumatic way - I watched her die. I think my grief for my mom is coming at me at the same time I grieve the imminent loss of Tux. So hard, but I will not let him suffer long - as soon as he stops eating he will be helped to sleep in the garden that he loves so much. Thank you again for your kind words - means a lot.
 
Oh dear Jana - I am so sorry that this is happening so soon after your mother (and sympathies for the loss of your mother as well). You are probably right - sometimes its hard to separate grieving in neat compartments and I'm sure that both losses are related. You have such a good relationship with Tuxedo that I'm sure that you'll know when he is ready.
 
Oh my dear, dear Jana.... "heartbreak" is such an understatement... I'm so very sorry to read that Tuxedo is failing. I held my Charlie as he exited his pain, and lept into the arms of the angel that came for him. I cannot tell you that it's easy. I can only say that as his eyes closed.... my sobs let loose.... I hadn't wanted to scare him by crying.... I did not scream "CHARLIE COME BACK".... as I had when my mother took her last breath and I yelled "Mommie Come Back"... I was 57 and said Mommy...

The thing that comforted me was the knowledge that Charlie was pain free. He knew that he'd see me again when my time was full and I could join him.... I hope this poem I wrote will help you when/if the time comes.

A Kitty’s Conversation
© 2004 By Carol Notermann

“Where’s Mommy?” The wee small cat, asked the One who lifted it.
“She’ll be along.” His voice replied. “We’ll only wait a bit.”

“But she was holding me and crying. I felt her shoulders shake.”
“I know. You see, she made a choice, the hardest she could make.”

“But I went to sleep inside her arms?” the little cat replied.
His voice was soft, “I know, and that was why she cried.”

“I stood beside your Mommy, when the vet was bending down.
I gave her strength to hold you, as her tears fell all around”

“Will you stay with me till Mommy comes?” the kitty asked the Man.
“I’ll be here each day to see you, until she comes to you again.”

“For right beside that Rainbow Bridge, is where dogs and kitties wait,
And when you’re human’s time has come, I’ll take you both on through the gate.”
 
Jana, I'm so sorry to see your post - I know this is breaking your heart. Often the diabetes is indeed the secondary disease and finding it just leads to the more serious problems. We try so hard to fight the diabetes and take such good care of our furry companions and it's heartbreaking to see them grow older and become ill.

My heart goes out to you - but your sweet Tuxedo is taking it day by day - he doesn't know what's ahead - he's just happy to be near you and with you now and if you can do that also, enjoy every moment without looking to the future and the tears - perhaps you can get through this. It's so difficult - I know I'm suggesting the almost impossible - but they follow our leads so often and know when we're not at our best. I know mine do - if I'm upset, they seem to hover around me trying to figure out what's wrong.

I'm sending many hugs and comforting thoughts and prayers and hopes that you have more time together than you anticipate.

My heart goes out to you.

Emmy & Dude (& Mittsi too)
 
I'm so sorry.
I just went through this myself...with 2 cats that I raised from 3 days old.
With both (one in Oct, one in Feb) we had to make the choice to end their misery.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
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