Feeling despair over loss of Gem

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J

jkbank

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Good morning all

I have been trying to enjoy the weekend with my family, and most of the time I'm fine, but often I feel waves of despair over having to put Gem to sleep. I feel tremendous amount of guilt and doubt over whether I did the right thing. Everyone that's with me says I did, but of course, what are they going to say, it's done and it can't be undone. I can't figure out whether I made a selfish decision, or keeping her alive would have been selfish. I feel like I had to make a decision under the gun because it was late Friday and the surgeon was leaving. Obviously, it's something we've talked about and tried to prepare for. My husband felt that even if we got her fixed up this time, the tears would keep happening and this was inevitable. But I keep seeing her face and feeling awful. The whole time I was with her at the end I kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm wondering if this is a typical pattern after this happens? Have others felt this way? I keep waiting to feel some measure of peace but I don't. Is it too early for that? I hope over time this gets better but for now it really sucks.

Thank you all again for your kind words.
Karen
 
I think it is typical. I have felt those same doubts - all the what ifs and that maybe I could have done something else. To be honest, that was many years and many cats ago. I guess I have wrestled with the doubts and know they will always be there to some degree, but I always come back to quality of life and suffering. It sounds like Gem was going to continue to suffer and setting her free of that is really the kind thing to have done.

Please forgive yourself for having to make the decision. It is never an easy one to make. Never. These souls, that are here for such a short time, are always hard to set free, but our "job" is to not let them suffer when they aren't going to get better. It is the part I hate about life - having to "play God" in the end with them.

((((Karen & DH))))
 
Oh, Karen, I know this is hard. I know I cried and cried when I said goodby to Oliver. The deciding factor for me was quality of life and whether he could get better. I think this is the most unselfish decision we can make as pet owners. It is a gift for them to be out of pain and distress and just being miserable. But it leaves a huge hole in our hearts.

You will eventually stop looking for her and missing her and be able to remember her with a smile. That's the way she stays with you - every time you remember something about her, she is here again.

You might post over on Grief also and read some of the threads there. It does help to know that there are many people who are hurting like you, getting better, supporting others and themselves.
 
HI Karen, I think that your feelings are VERY normal and the sadness (to a certain extent) will always be there. Some bigger veterinary hospitals run pet grief groups which may be helpful for you while your dealing with your feelings. I'm the type that believes just because they have 4 legs and fur that doesn't mean they are any less of a family member. Its never easy no matter how many times its happened. I lost my last kitty 8 years ago (under circumstances not very different then yours) I still miss her and get tears in my eyes thinking about her. In my current kitty family my sugar cat is 19 years old and while my head knows our time is limited my heart doesn't want to see her go anytime soon. So you do the best you can and know that you'll always miss those you've loved and had to say goodbye to. Jan
 
Karen,
BIG HUGE LOOOOOOOOONG HUG. This is the hardest part I think....letting them go then trying to decide if we did right or wrong. Gem knows she was very sick, she knows her body was breaking but her SPIRIT, the part that IS GEM, IS still right there with you, she's just no longer tied to that breaking body because of YOUR LOVE.

This part of our forum is SO important and such a blessing. I've got a posting here that I visit and add to at times - I have 3 dying babies right now, I've lost 2 already this year, some days I just can't face it without reaching out and writing here. It helps take the burden off my heart a bit. Continue to pour it out here, we KNOW that pain...

Another huge big loooooooong hug,
 
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KAREN)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending many many cyber hugs. I am so very sorry for your loss. Gem had many things going on and you are a great mommabean. You did what was best for Gem. Do not second guess yourself---I say that but I know that we all do it. Its totally normal.. I had worried so much about my Janeway and Conor, if I did the right thing, and I did. But we all do that, "was it the right time" kind of thing because we are all good mommas and dadbeans.

The grief it will come in waves, one minute I felt perfectly normal and the next minute I would have to go hide at work and just let it happen.
Many tears falling here for you and all of us who have lost our babies.
 
Karen. Please allow me to share my story...When My Waldo got sick with asthma, heart failure, ibd... I was so busy treating each problem by shoving drugs down his throat, I totally missed how miserable the treatments were making him. He always hated being fussed over...I forgot that fact. I was so intent on making him better, first working at it, then hoping for it, finally wishing...by that time, he was totally scared of me. Imagine that, my bestest little buddy...wincing every time I came near him, afraid of what I was going to do to him next. To this day it breaks my heart.

I will NEVER put a kitty through that again. Is that selfish? You bet it is but ya know what? No matter what I did I couldnt *make* him better.

It took a reading with an animal comunicator to make me realize my little Waldo was scared to death of me...his mommy. I thank God for the person who sent me that reading with the AC. It shook me back into reality and I was able to give Waldo just what he wanted PEACE. He spent his last few days laying in the tall grass sunning himself. No more meds no more forced feedings...I took him to the Vet his final time...In peace. You gave that gift to Gem... You did the right thing.

May peace find and follow you always,
jeanne
 
(((Karen)))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think that this is very much a normal part of the grief process. I have lost three of my kitties in the last two years. Bear Man was the first to leave. He had been ill for a long time with many illnesses, and my vet and I had discussed a few months before he died what I wanted for him. I did not want him to go in the midst of a very painful crisis. In the end, he stopped eating. For quite a few days I tried different medical approaches, but I knew it was time. I also, like you, had practical considerations such as a long holiday weekend coming up with the vet being closed and the fact that I needed to go back to work after the weekend, and didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone. I knew that he would be willing to go on for days or maybe weeks, but that it would have been for me, not him. His last day was a good day for him. He was not in crisis, and not in pain. He was comfortable, and the vet helped him pass very peacefully in my arms.

Afterwards, I was so terribly sad, but I was grateful that he had not had to endure horrible suffering before he died. I knew that he had a terminal illness, and that in prolonging his life, I would only be delaying the inevitable.

I know that you had hope that Gem would respond to the Trilostane. I have nothing but admiration for the way you tried to give her every chance to respond to treatment. But you are right, the skin tears would have kept happening, and her quality of life would not have been what you wanted for her. You and she had the gift of a few extra weeks together after diagnosis, thanks to your care, and it sounds like she was happy during her last weeks. That is really what it is about. Kitties do not care about the length of time they have. Gem lived each day knowing she was loved by her family. I don't know if the Trilostane would have kicked in if you had waited longer, but my guess is that it would not, and she would have become more uncomfortable.

I think that you will naturally feel doubt. Please don't feel guilt. You did not deprive her of anything but suffering. I have not known you to make a single bad decision with her care in the time that I have known you here. No decision made out of love is wrong.

I keep you in my thoughts, and I hope that over time you can feel peace and take comfort in your memories of her.
 
((((((Karen))))))

There is a helpful little book called, "When Your Pet Dies," by Dr. Alan Wolfelt that I recommend to anyone grieving the loss of their pet. He helps acknowledge your feelings and teaches how to cope. There are stories from his own pets' lives as well as from people he has helped. There are also places in which to write different things about your pet. It's a very comforting book.

I attended a grief seminar at the University of IL last fall shortly after Gandalf passed. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. There may be a pet loss group in your area where you could share your experiences with others and they with you. FDMB is a wonderful place to do that as well, many of us have experienced the loss of our pets who we spent a great deal of time and energy helping, so we completely understand. In some regard that sets us apart from other pet owners who may have lost a pet through an accident or something sudden. The love and care we show our FD's can be time consuming and you may find yourself feeling empty when you get home because that need is no longer there.

It's good that you can spend the weekend with family. I understand their words may seem hollow, yes, what else would they say? I'm sorry it doesn't help the guilty feeling. Guilt is definitely a part of the grieving process for many of us because we worked so hard to help our kitties. It feels like making the decision to release them from pain is giving up on them. Or that we have given up trying to help them. It may help to examine the selfishness aspect, although I know it's so difficult right now to see that freeing her was the most unselfish thing you could do for her. You loved her so much that you did not want her to suffer any longer and you knew it would not get better. Facing that reality made you strong enough to help her one last time.

We're here for you. :YMHUG:
 
Oh Karen, I'm so sorry. It is hard. I just had to put my Spotty to sleep and have the same doubts, questions, and feel haunted by that last trip to the vet's. I have grief over this decision, and the fact that he's gone. But you know, you gave your Gem so much love and a good home and were a wonderful mom, please remember that and the many happy memories I'm sure you have of her. She doesn't need to forgive you, nor do you need to forgive yourself, as you did the right thing. Hold her spirit within your heart and listen when she tells you she loves you.

Jennifer
 
Karen

I can so relate to what you are feeling.

I lost my Curry a little over a month ago and I still review in my mind if I did the right thing. I think the doubt is normal. You are not alone in feeling this.

I work w/ families dealing with cancer. However, humans can speak and tell us in words when it is enough. When it is time to stop the treatment. Even then the decision to stop is hard.

Our kitties rely on us for that decision. You made a very wise but very difficult decision. It was a decision based in love and understanding about her prognosis and her quality of life. You did not want her to suffer. You did everything in your power to give her the best quality of life a Mom could give. You gave her a wonderful life full of love and devotion. As Linda said the medical situation was going down hill and you had done everything to give her a great life. A great quality of life. You are a wonderful mommabean!

The process of grief totally sucks. It's alot of physical and emotional work. Ugh!! Make sure you are taking care of yourself during this time. I still kinda hate it when the tears start coming out of nowhere. It does remind me of waves in a ocean that come up unexpectedly. The waves are powerful and yet somehow healing.

Please continue to reach out to us. We understand.


Lots of big ole Texas size hugs for you my dear.

(((((Karen))))))


Lots of love
Tena
 
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve at your own pace and in your own way. Just know that you did what you knew was best for Gem and you did it out of love.

Bless you. Sending you prayers and well wishes.

Kathie
 
i can tell you from a recent experience when i had decided to put patches down on march 5th of this yr and it was a split second at the vet what i am going to do instance that i felt the same guilt of whether i chose the right thing to do, whether i could have tried to get him thru this fight again, but knowing that since he was off insulin 3 yrs ago this july it took almost 9 full months to have my cat back to being himself, and this time he was in deeper so i knew that another yr of trying to get him better would only benefit me and not him.

i am saying all this now because its been a few months, i can promise i wasnt thinking this in the least bit up until recently and even though i miss patches to pieces in the back of my head i knew it was the right choice, where yours was too. it going to take a bit to feel better, i still everyday miss him and miss certain things he did, but im telling you in time you will feel better

i go back and forth wishing i had the money, or i would have caught this earlier (we were off insulin almost 3yrs) but in the end i would be keeping him here for ME.

so yes you did the right thing....in the end you did

hope you are feeling better soon....

Jennie molly and the late patches
 
Thank you all so much for your kind words, and for sharing the stories of your most difficult moments. I'm sure that wasn't easy to relive those times and decisions. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in going through this, and feeling the way I do. I too kept considering quality of life, and I guess part of what I'm struggling with is that she still seemed relatively ok. I didn't ever have this "moment" with her where I realized she was done and it was just me continuing the fight. But maybe I have to accept that that moment doesn't always come. And I have to focus on the fact that her prognosis was not good, and this was pre-emptively saving her from future suffering.

Sheila - you're absolutely right, it's the notion of us playing God that doesn't sit well. My vet told me this is the gift we have in veterinary medicine but it's hard to feel that way right now. I guess I will in time, right now I wonder who am I to decide that this was the day she dies.

Sue - I will pop over to grief and read some stuff, it does help to share the suffering, so to speak.

Jeanne & Linda - thank you for sharing your stories. I did feel like I was focusing on each problem. I spent so much time here because the diabetes was the one thing I could try and control & help. I did get to the point where I felt every time I was coming to her it was to poke her and give her medicine. I tried so hard to spend time with her that was just about cuddles so she wouldn't start to hate me. I don't know if Gem felt peace or was looking for peace, but at least she did go peacefully, with me kissing and stroking her, rather than in some emergency situation. That was the one thing my husband was very clear on, especially concerning the kids - he did not want them, or us, to have to handle and process a real crisis. Seeing her skin tear time and again was difficult enough for all of us to watch. And Linda, in my head I know you're right. We were racing against time with the trilostane, but we were too late. Even though she did not appear to be in pain now, it seems inevitable that she would have been eventually. It can't have felt good to her to have these tears.

Vicky - I will look for that book. It's hard because there are not so many people to talk to IRL. My family truly mean well, and there words are not hollow, but until you're in this spot, you just don't get it.

Jennifer - I've been reading your thread about Spot and I am so sorry for your loss. I too am haunted by that last trip and I keep seeing her sweet face in my mind. Hopefully you and I can get past the grief and smile with the memories of our angels.

Thank you everyone for posting. I am trying to come to terms with my decision, and accept it for what it was - one last final act of love.

With gratitude
Karen
 
I agree with those describing grief as a wave. You're fine one minute and crying the next. And that's just the way it works. You just have to cry when you need to. And when you feel happy, that's OK too. It's all exhausting, both emotionally and physically, so make sure you're taking good care of yourself. When my cat Bill died I found comfort in getting a nice picture of him framed.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There's no timetable for grief. You just feel it as it comes. Which HURTS. But I have no doubt whatsoever that you did the best you could. Gem couldn't have asked for a better momma.
 
Karen, you were so loyal to Gem and saw her through a very difficult part of her journey. Poor Gem was dealt a crappy set of cards when it came to the Cushings, but she was definitely dealt an amazing set of cards when she got you as her human guardian and friend. You have gone to extraordinary lengths to help her and try and heal her. Unfortunately her prognosis was beyond what you and medical science could do. It doesn't hep with your pain, but hopefully it will eventually help with the guilt you feel - which is normal.

I second what everyone has said about counseling or grief therapy. It can definitely help, even if you only go to a few sessions.

I know people who have told me they felt guilt over keeping their animals alive too long because they were suffering so there isn't any right answer as to when to release them. Ultimately, it is the greatest act of love because we are the ones left to suffer with the emotional pain. It was a completely unselfish act on your part. We all have to let them go in the end and we try to prevent them pain in the process. Its our jobs as their keepers. You did right by Gem and I hope you will get to a better place. Everyone's process is different and you will get there in your own time.
 
((((((Karen))))))
There is only so much that as caregivers we can do. I think that in your heart you know that Gem lived a good life and more importantly, knew she was well loved. I'm not sure that there is more that we can ask for in our own lives or in the lives of those we care most deeply for.

Another member here once sent me this fable of The Loving Ones. It is a story of loss and grief that I treasure. I hope it eases your heart, even for a few moments.

When I helped my civvie, George, cross the Bridge, like you, I was distraught. A few months later, dear friends came to visit. They are the people who have photographed my kitties. One of those friends knew George from when he was a kitten. They brought along a framed photo of George. I have that photo in a place where I see it every day. It's not displayed for others to see -- just me. My point in telling you this is that it may help to give yourself a special memory when you're ready. Gem will forever be in your heart. A small remembrance that's just for you may also bring a smile to your face.
 
Hi all

I again want to thank all of you for your posts. Even if I don't respond, know that I am reading them over and over, and while my heart still hurts, I am now able to read them without tears streaming down my face, and try to take in all the loving messages. It means a lot to me, especially in this community of super-beans who all go above & beyond the call of duty, that you show so much confidence and admiration for my care of Gem. That is the one thing that I can hold my head up high about - I do feel that I did everything in my power to help her. I think there will always be second-guessing and what-if's, and it will take some more time for me to get over the feelings of doubt & guilt, but I try and focus on the fact that she didn't get to the point where she was really suffering. Even my sweet, sensitive daughter, who was so in tune with how Gem was doing, tells me "it's ok Mom, it was time, she wasn't getting better" - heartbreaking and consoling at the same time.

I still do want to post Gem's story - but I want to do her justice and not feel rushed, and there hasn't been time this weekend. I hope to do so this week, and that I can honor her spirit in doing so.

You have all been so amazing, and I know so many of you have your own troubles going on. My thoughts and prayers are will all who need them.

Karen
 
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