Duchess update- the end of our journey together

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carolynandlatte

carolynandlatte

Member Since 2009
Dearest LL family,
I wanted to stop by and let you know the wonderful foster I took in after I lost Latte found her furever home today. It was quite a journey we took together. Her- a stray on an Indian reservation for 2 yrs, a few litter of kittens, holed up in a basement to avoid being picked on at her first foster home, 6lbs overweight....and black. It didnt look promising for her. Me- in deep grief, really unsure if it was the right time, difficulty adjusting to a young/black cat, having to restict calories vs syringe feeding, playing rather than giving injections and giving pills.

Duchess was extremely comfortable from the second she arrived here. She immediately became my shadow. Over time she would sit on my lap (for catnip), and even let me hold her for a short while. She was my alarm clock in the a.m. by kneading on my bladder or dive bombing me from the top of the piano :lol: . She left toy presents at the door each time I came home from work. She was very respectful of anything I have out related to Latte, always walking delicately around or over photos. Sometimes even kissing them. :-D She even started talking the last month or so.

I invested a lot of money, time, and care for Duchess (which I will never regret). The average person was wondering why I had not adopted her yet. If I felt like I was ready to go through the entire life process of a cat again, I would have done it in a heart beat. She became such a good friend in the short 7 months. I was really blessed to see her blossom with confidence and trust in a human being.

Duchess went to a good home, I believe. A VERY young couple, attending college at a private university, living in the 'good' side of town. They have the means to take care of her. They both grew up with cats and were obviously well put together and caring. The girl was so incredibly excited she could barely contain herself the entire time she was here (she held it together a lot better than I did :YMSIGH: ). I was a tad shocked when I thought they were coming to meet her, only to see them with a carrier in hand. :shock: I had no idea she would be gone so quickly, with little time to say goodbye.

I do feel a great deal of gratitude toward the adopters for taking her, and so thankful she has found a home. We did our job together. Yet, I cant help but feel this huge hole in my heart. In some ways its like reliving my loss with Latte. I only made it a month and a half before I took her in. Now Im wondering what am I going to do with myself, with my time, with the lack of companionship in my home. This is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY harder than I expected. I dont know how to live without a cat. Certainly I can take another one in, but I need to pause and give myself time to think about it. There are things I want to do that I cant if Im caring for a cat (unless i feed them kibble, which may be the route I take...noodles are accepted for that comment ;-) ) I dont know if I want to keep subjecting myself to this pain of loss. It may be a good thing...a good lesson. Then again, it may be self defeating and stupid.

So there you have it. :roll:

I do want to apologize for kind of dropping off the face of LL. I tried coming back with the great desire to support and help others here. Unfortunately I found myself crying every night, missing my girl. I decided to see what it would be like to take a break. I will say it helped. Not so much with me missing her, but the intense crying and ruminating over the loss. I really have not done so well in the grief department, despite often trying to 'fake it till I make it'. My life has been forever changed both for the good and the bad. I no longer know who I am. Im working on it though.

Thank you for letting me ramble a bit (or a lot). Ive actually restrained myself some! :lol: And as always, the most gratitude to this family for the love and support offered to Latte and I. I may not be 'around', but I will never be gone. You are a family I never hope to lose.

Carolyn, Latte (in spirit), and Duchess (full of life in her furever home)

-I almost forgot, before duchess came I often felt what I called 'heart hugs' and visions of Latte when I closed my eyes. Those went away when duchess came. Ive received many of both within minutes of turning Duchess over to her new beans. Kind of cool and kind of crazy. :?

AFTER:


BEFORE
 

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((((Carolyn))))
I have missed you here. I have followed you and Duchess on FB and I can't help but smile over how the lessons Latte taught you allowed you to give so much to Duchess.

LL can be a tough place when we have several kitties cross the Bridge in a short period. We are going through such a period now. Michelle's Doodle left us. Michelle wrote about what Doodle taught her about herself. It was a tribute that was beautiful and gave me pause to think not only about loss but about what we keep close to our hearts and how we grow as a result of those lives that are inexorably intertwined with ours. Latte will always be looking over your shoulder and will be in your heart forever and Duchess will thrive because of what you gave. Those are very special gifts.
 
((Carolyn))
You and Latte are always in my heart. I am so proud of you that you were able to bring Duchess into your life and give her what she needes, as she gave to you.

You will know when or even if you will be ready to share your life with another kitty.
 
It was so brave and loving of you to protect Duchess. Her road has taken her to a good place, thanks to you. There must a Guardian Angel hanging out around you.

:YMHUG:
 
(((Carolyn)))
You are my hero! I don't know how you pulled it together to bring Dutchess in and give her the love and care she needed when you were in such a state of grief. Or maybe she was caring for you as well. I know now that things really do happen for a reason and that however it came about you helped each other. I'm glad that Dutchess found a good furever home and I just know that one of these days you are going to come across a kitty that you will know is the one that you want to let into your heart again. Unfortunately, I think cats are like potato chips...once you have had one....... :lol: And I think that's the way Latte would want it. I think she would want to know that you thought that your time with her was so spectacular that you just can't imagine going very long without having another cat in your life, knowing that there are so many that need a loving a devoted mom like you.
When my last cat passed,a cat that I also cared for every day for the last 6 years of his 17 years, I swore I would never go through that pain again...not ever. Less than 2 months later I met A&J and well...here we are. :)

Hugs to you sweetie! You did a beautiful thing for another very lucky kitty!

:YMHUG:

Caryl, Alex & Jackson
 
Carolyn,

Nice to hear from you again! Duchess is beautiful.. I have a soft spot for Black cats, as I have 5 of varying coverage. It looks like you did a great job slimming her down.

When I lost Belle last year, I had 8 other cats to keep me company. They require a lot of time and attention, so it kept me distracted. I needed that at the beginning. You did a wonderful thing for Duchess, but I think you both got what you really needed. You gave her the chance to live a loved, safe, happy life, and she gave you the opportunity to keep your mind occupied. She now has a wonderful forever home, and you have some distance from the difficulties of last year. You can now better focus on yourself and make whatever decisions are best for you moving forward.

Fostering in the most selfless, loving thing I can imagine. Duchess is very fortunate, and hopefully you realize what a great thing you've done.

Also know that Latte is not forgotten. I think of her often. Her trials coincided with Belle's, and reading your loving posts daily made me feel like I was not alone in my feelings.

Take care,

Jason
 
Dear Carolyn,

It is so good to read your news about Duchess moving to her furever home. I know that she will always remain in your heart, and I also know that she will be eternally grateful to you for helping her in her time of greatest need. It sounds like her new beans will be perfect for her, although I am sure that she will miss you very much. You are, after all, her hero. I love her new picture: she is a beautiful kitty.

We wish the very best for you as you move on with your life. I hope that it will include another kitty when the right time--or the right cat!--comes along. You have a special gift, and you have had the best teachers: Latte and Duchess.

Don't be a stranger! Come visit us in LL from time to time. We are indeed your family!

Many :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: s

Ella & Rusty
 
((((((Carolyn)))))) Duchess was so lucky to have you and you for seven months and she will be very happy in her furever home. I think every cat in our lives are meant to be ours. Duchess was meant to be theirs and you helped her get there. And what a difference. She looks so sleek and healthy in her after photo. She knows what love is.

I lost Maverick suddenly this week and my heart is absolutely shattered - words can't describe this pain. I spent the first four days saying I never ever ever want to feel this horrible pain ever again in my life. The pain was worse than anything I imagined. The thing is I know it was because of how much I loved him. That two way unconditional love. You can't get this with humans. Its a different connection - a very deep non verbal connection. Maverick was my soulmate. I don't know if my heart will be open for another but I promise I will keep it an option in case another cat is meant to be mine. The pain is unimaginable. But what would my life have been like without my special boy. It would not have been better. If I keep my heart closed and protect myself - I won't feel more pain. Its hard. The grieving process is different for everyone.

I do know that people on LL are like no one else in my real life. We understand. I'm also torn between staying on and keeping a wound open or taking time away. Filling my time with reading, organizing, the gym (my health) but I will do what my heart tells me to do. I'm grieving the loss of Maverick's daily condo also. It was such a big part of our day. And bam that is gone too.

I am a believer in fate. Not everything is in our control - though I try and control absolutely everything regardless. You are a loving compassionate genuine generous person. I understand everything you said today. I wish I could give you a hug in real life.

Latte is in a peaceful wonderful place surrounded in the love you showered her with when she was here on earth. We feel the pain, but she is pain free. She is watching over you.

Karrie.
 
Hi Carolyn. A bitter sweet moment. But I am happy for you, and for Duchess. Looks at all you were able to accomplish for her: the before and after pictures say it all. I am so glads that Duchess has found a wonderful new furever home.

We have missed you here in LL. In time you will know what your course shall be, you will also rediscover who you are. There have been so many wonderful tings written here this morning - I concur with them all. all my best to you!
 
Oh dear, when I first read the subject line I thought she had passed from this world. But after reading your post, it's good to learn it's happy sadness. Thank you for taking her in and giving her to her new family in such good, loving shape.
 
Dear Carolyn:

It was so incredibly wonderful of you to give Duchess a chance....a chance to find comfort and love with you and to mend and a chance to find a forever home. I do ache for your for your grief for Latte. It has been more than a year since I lost my darling Max to PKD and I was so incapacitated by the grief until Gracie was diagnosed with FD....7 mos. Sometimes I think God felt I needed something else to focus on. Maybe that was your path with Duchess although I know in both our cases, our beloved babies were not far from our thoughts more than a second. Does time heal the pain? I don't think so.....not yet for me and I know it's too soon for you. I was so in awe how Michelle put the slideshow together for her Doodle and I told Mike that there is no way I could yet do something like that for Max. I love to see his pictures or watch videos of him but it is so incredibly painful that I have to put it away. I do know this....Latte and Max...they are with us always. They know how very much we love them and will always love them. They know all we gave to them and how we tried to make them better ...and then we set them free. You did SO much for Latte...always trying to find different ways to help her. One day, we will both be able to remember all their silly antics, love, and everything about them without the stabbing pain in our hearts and without tears. Hold tight. She is with you.
 
Hi, Carolyn.. very happy to hear that Duchess has become a part of a FURever home.. the strength, compassion & kindness you have is immense.. I cannot begin to imagine having to let go.. it is people like you who the world needs more of.. fostering is a gift.. one I wonder if I could do..
You are an angel here on Earth.. consistenly giving your wisdom & support illustrated through kindness & time to others while the weight of Latte's world was on your shoulders..
I knew Latte & remember her... through you.. it is amazing the gifts God places in our hands in the shape of live, living beings.. Latte & Duchess both needed you & you them.. how heartbreaking to even type about.. let alone a pain we all have felt or will feel at some point in time.. when one we love goes on ahead of us..
Thinking of you.. Duchess.. Latte too.. prayers & an infinite amount of love from Baby, Sadi & I.
 
Carolyn, it is so good to see you post and to read the update on Duchess. You were so courageous to take her in, and you have worked a miracle for her. Now she begins the rest of her journey, which she would not have been able to do without you. I have fostered many kittens and a couple of adult cats. I adopted three of them. :shock: It was always so difficult to say goodbye to them, and I can't even bring myself to do it any more, because I can't bear to part with them. You have always been an inspiration, and I have enormous respect for you after what you did for Duchess. I think that this honors Latte's memory in such a significant way. Good for you. I hope we see you back here when you are able.
 
Hooray for Dutchess finding her furever home, and for you taking her in, nursing her to beautiful health, and being strong enough to let he go when it was time. You're a brave soul for taking her in when you did, and it's so hard to let go once the bond forms that you obviously had. (( Carolyn ))
 
I would really like to thank all of you for offering your thoughtful words, despite my lack of condolences, congratulations, and general presence lately. It really meant a lot. And your words did help me a bit today. Acknowledging Latte, was also much appreciated.

When Latte left, I kept myself busy to reduce crying fits and anxiety attacks. Despite trying to stay busy today, the day dragged on and a deep sadness trapped my heart. Not even the 3 bouquets of flowers I bought seemed to lift my spirits. Only occasionally when I would think about what she was doing (playing, sunning, resting, exploring, etc) did I have a split moment of peace. Im finding myself a bit anxious about a much slower week. If I only had the energy, there is so much I could do to nurture my soul. I will try...even if its a fake it 'till I make it. I hope I can get out of the 'poor me' mode and find more joy in the outcome, which really is unbelievable. This was Duchesses story. It is now a fairytale for her.

I have some more thoughts on fostering, which I may post about in community....get a wide variety of feedback, I hope.

Thank you again. :YMHUG: to all.

ETA: I should add the day before she left, I knew it was a possibility, but did not think reality. It was a BEAUTIFUL day. I opened all the windows and scratched my plans. We spent the day playing and loving each other. She did not sleep from 7am until 9m....in which she was then exhausted and slept right by my side until 1am (when *I* was ready to go to bed, LOL). I will forever cherish that day!
 
glad to know Duchess found her furever home and you made a big difference in her life too...caring for her and giving her a chance at life....i know how much you loved Latte....i remember all too well in the CRF group your posts....i know she is watching over you and wishing you well....

on the 8th of April it marked BearMan's 6 months since he went to the bridge...and i mentioned to Linda that the heart never mends from a broken heart....i think it is meant to pick up the pieces and move on from there....

((((Carolyn))))
 
It takes a kind and loving heart to be able to give away Duchess whom you nurtured, cherished, and loved for 7 months.
You did this because you were thinking of her best interests, and not yourself. That is very hard to do and I admire you so much.

Latte is smiling, because she knows all about how big your heart is.
 
I'm late posting here, but have been watching on facebook...and i have to tell you, Carolyn, you are one of my inspirations.

Latte and Tuscany were the first two losses I experienced after joining FDMB...and I was stunned with admiration with the beauty and eloquence of your and Joyce's goodbyes, and even more so when you took Duchess in, much the same as when Ella took in Rusty.

I can't begin to tell you how wonderful i think you are!! You have a love reserve available that I don't think I myself have...
what a giving spirit!

celi & binks
 
I too am late posting here. I know how you feel Carolyn. I don't visit often because of all the tears it brings. And your post brought more. But I have to say that you gave Duchess a wonderful gift. She found her furever home because of the love and care you gave her. I don't know how you found the courage, because the loss, again, must be very hard.

Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need. You are a special person and you deserve a life of happiness. And of course Latte would want only happiness for you too. Thank you for all you have done for me too. You gave me hope and courage when I needed it and I will never forget that.
 
Hi All,
Thank you again for the kind words. It really does help me feel less alone.

I wanted to let you know a few things:

Duchess is doing well in her new home. She is extremely playful, talking A LOT to her new beans, and sleeping with them (just how she was with me). I will probably visit in a few weeks to pick up the carrier and give them some 300+ photos and video of her (something I never had of latte when she was young and wish I did). When I feel sad, I really try to picture her happy...forever in a home. It helps a little.

For those who have not seen my post in community, Ive purged quite a bit of feelings which I found helpful. It also helped me contemplate my situation and what I want to do next. Ive decided to take in another foster, however it will not be until sometime late May due to my work schedule. I told them I might be open to fostering two cats, just to see what its like. I would never want to HAVE two cats, but Ive always been curious. I am also becoming more open to possibly adopting a cat in the future. Im not committed to the idea, but trying to be open to it. That is quite a different tune for me.

I went to the shelter last night and just sat on the floor, letting any cat wanting love or play approach me. I watched the quite/uninterested one's, and seeked out a few shy ones. It was easier than the time I went after losing Latte. Though sad, it made me feel better than worse. I may try and get over there once a week until a new foster comes along.

In the meantime, Im trying to keep myself busy with work. Each of my jobs want more and more of my time. Ive felt spread so thin lately because Duchess required time, too. Now I can just work and be grateful that I have an abundance of it. Pay off some debts I neglected while Latte was sick...and get new brakes for my car! Maybe even paint my apartment, which would be difficult with a cat here. Its getting warmer out and Ive decided to plant wildflowers (or something like that) in Latte's grass bed and pots.

I will let you know if/when I get a new foster.

Thanks again LL! :YMHUG:
 
Hey Carolyn - I am so glad that Duchess is settling into her furever home. what great news that is!

I wish you well. It is nice to think that you will take in another foster, maybe two, You did such remarkable things with Duchess. Good luck with everything! I know you will make the choices that are right for you.
 
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