Day 5 for Pandora

Amybee and Pandora (GA)

Amybee and Pandora (GA)

Member
Links to previous days:
https://felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/day-4.289391/
[url]https://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/day-3.289348/
https://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/day-2.289307/[/URL]
[URL='https://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/day-2.289307/'][url]https://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/day-1-not-sure-what-to-expect.289293/

Positives first, I did not wake up to a cat face planted in her water bowl and with a BG of HI.

It was 35.5 / 639. She was hungry and ate 1/2 tin wet food really nicely so between that and the feed at 2am that’s a whole tin into her which is amazing.

I shot the 2 units.

My main concerns right now are:[/URL][/URL]
1. Constipation - still no bowel movement despite eating better.
2. Urination - drinking a lot still but low volume / high concentration urine. Tummy feels a bit distended. I am going to try to get a urine sample for the vet.
3. Still behaving extremely depressed and lethargic. She wet on her mat this morning maybe it was painful for her to get into her litter tray.

I phoned the out of hours vet last night in a total panic about the Gim cat paste and they calmed me down. My vet has called me just now, and it’s his day off but he is very kindly going to see me with her at 10am. I will report back after her trip to the vets. I might do less testing today, for both our sakes.
https://felinediabetes.com/FDMB/threads/day-4.289391/
 
Just got back from the vet.

I am afraid it’s the worst news, after battling like an absolute trooper these last few days Pandora has peacefully passed away. I was with her the whole way through holding her and comforting her. The vet was so kind and it was really quick.

It was obvious as soon as the vet looked at her that she was nearly gone anyway, she was pale and aneamic, she just laid limp on the floor, her body temperate was low and her little organs had started shutting down. He said we could try the IV line etc but if anything it was only likely to draw things out another max couple of days. I didn’t want her to suffer that in a strange environment and the last several days have been so hard for her so I decided the kindest thing was to be strong for her and let her go. She is not suffering any more.

I am obviously in pieces. My husband is on his way home to be with me.

I would like to take this time to say how thankful and grateful I am for the support, of this whole forum and the amazing resources and information that gave me the best possible chance to help my cat, everyone who’s read and contributed to my messages for these 5 tough days, and especially to you @Suzanne & Darcy as you have been with me every step of the way, you have always replied and helped me and even stayed up and got up early to support me. You have been an absolute rock and I have relied on your messages so much. I am hugely grateful and I just wish we could have had a better outcome. We did our absolute best.

Pandora was an amazing cat with such a feisty and wonderful personality, I will miss her so much and I’m so grateful and privileged that I was able to be a part of her life for so long.
 
Oh Amy, I am heartbroken to hear that news! I know you are devastated, and words can’t begin to ease your pain at the loss of your sweet Pandie. The last few days have been so difficult, and I was really hoping for a better outcome, but I hope you can find some comfort in knowing she is not suffering anymore. My thoughts are truly with you, and I am so very sorry for your loss.
 
I just don’t know how it progressed so fast or why she died. On March 12 when I first saw she was feeling unwell they did a blood test at the vet and her glucose was 6.99 (126). It was normal! She was just treated with a course of antibiotics based on an increased white blood count. Why did her BG never come down after showing signs of improvement that first day on the insulin. I’m struggling to come to terms with this.
 
It’s just so difficult to come to grips with it all, and I know you have many questions as to why and how it all happened. I wish I could answer that for you. Take care of yourself during this difficult time- your mind will replay things. Just know that you did your best for her, and she knows she was loved.
 
Oh Amy! You know that I am crying with you. I was so afraid of this. I can’t tell you how sorry I am and how badly I had wished for things to turn out differently. I could hardly sleep last night for worrying and had set alarms to wake me up to check in on her. I can’t understand what happened in the last few days either— when she initially had seemed to respond to the insulin. I know your heart is in pieces. Pandora has been a part of your life now for so many years. You obviously took the greatest care of her as she lived 19 years. I have never had a cat live to 19 years. Ginger is my oldest cat now at 17 and I fear I will have to say goodbye to her this year. I try to cherish every day- even though she requires a lot of care. Did you get Pandora as a kitten? If you can, or if you feel up to it at some point, I would love to see some photos of her and to hear more about her life. Please be kind to yourself. I know that after my cats pass away I am usually wracked with guilt and rehash everything in my mind that I think I did wrong. It’s not right. I know that you acted out of tremendous love for Pandora.
 
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She was just an awesome cat and friend.
She was so smart, I even trained her to shake paws for a treat. She was very food motivated!! She was my shadow, never a lap cat but she always had to be nearby me wherever I was in the house. When she had hyperthyroidism, I had her treated in the hospital with iodine therapy and I went out of my mind without her for two weeks. I remember how happy I was when she came home.
 
She was a big feisty cat! Her vet record had written on it “Watch it!” And only her current vet really understood her, he would let her come out of the carrier in her own time and get down on his hands and knees with her rather than making her go on the table. He always let me be the one to hold her for any tests.
 
Amybee and Pandora said:
She was just an awesome cat and friend.
She was so smart, I even trained her to shake paws for a treat. She was very food motivated!! She was my shadow, never a lap cat but she always had to be nearby me wherever I was in the house. When she had hyperthyroidism, I had her treated in the hospital with iodine therapy and I went out of my mind without her for two weeks. I remember how happy I was when she came home.
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See. You took just the very best care of her imaginable. Your vet sounds like a lovely person, too. To come in on his day off to take care of her. Not many vets would do that.
 
Amybee and Pandora said:
She was a big feisty cat! Her vet record had written on it “Watch it!” And only her current vet really understood her, he would let her come out of the carrier in her own time and get down on his hands and knees with her rather than making her go on the table. He always let me be the one to hold her for any tests.
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A great vet! Most won’t take the time these days to let a cat do this on their own time.
 
“I know that after my cats pass away I am usually wracked with guilt and rehash everything in my mind that I think I did wrong”

THIS is it. This is exactly what I’m doing. I’m going over and over the last few months looking at every chance I had to save her. Every time I got annoyed with her not eating because I thought she was just being fussy. All the times I thought changes in behaviour were just her getting older. All the times I let her down.
 
Amybee and Pandora said:
“I know that after my cats pass away I am usually wracked with guilt and rehash everything in my mind that I think I did wrong”

THIS is it. This is exactly what I’m doing. I’m going over and over the last few months looking at every chance I had to save her. Every time I got annoyed with her not eating because I thought she was just being fussy. All the times I thought changes in behaviour were just her getting older. All the times I let her down.
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I know what you are feeling. I have gone over and over things in my mind with my Mikki that we lost two years ago. I question so many things I did (or didn’t do!). But ultimately I have to tell myself, I did the best I could with the info I had. I do believe they know we are trying to help them, and they feel our love. It’s ok and normal to replay things and wonder “what if?”. But be gentle with yourself. You did a great job caring for her.
 
Amybee and Pandora said:
“I know that after my cats pass away I am usually wracked with guilt and rehash everything in my mind that I think I did wrong”

THIS is it. This is exactly what I’m doing. I’m going over and over the last few months looking at every chance I had to save her. Every time I got annoyed with her not eating because I thought she was just being fussy. All the times I thought changes in behaviour were just her getting older. All the times I let her down.
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That’s exactly what I do. And it lasts a long time. It’s just something I think I have to go through, although I think we are not being entirely fair or honest with ourselves by holding ourselves to a standard of perfection. We can only act upon the information and understand we have at the time. Not even vets have all the answers. It’s really hard to know with an older cat how much of their behavior is “just getting older” and you did take her to the vet to be checked out. She just really took a turn for the worse very quickly. The infection (I am assuming infection because of the elevated white count although sometimes it can also be cancer or other inflammation) may not have been eliminated or returned. Infection and inflammation can really cause blood glucose to be elevated and insulin resistant. I don’t think it was your fault. Her immune system would not be in peak condition at her age and her organs just couldn’t handle things anymore either. You did a phenomenal job of caring for her. She really loved you (wanting to be near you all the time). She definitely knew she was loved. She was probably doing her very best to hang on as long as she could…for you, Amy.
 
Thank you all so much for your kind words and looking at photos of her with me and helping me think of happy memories of her. This really helped a lot. I am going to make a donation to the site. Let me know of any other suggestions of good ways I could show my gratitude. I wish you all well with your kitties and generally. It’s actually going to feel really weird not coming and checking here every 5 seconds!
 
Amybee and Pandora said:
She was with me from about 12 weeks old, and she would have been 19 on 26 May. I loved her so so much.
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I know you did. It hurts so so much. I’m sitting here crying for you. Do try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. I honestly can’t tell you to just stop feeling guilty or blaming yourself. For me, it’s just part of the whole grieving process. I can’t stop it, although in my mind I can rationally understand at some point in the process that I have to let some of that guilt go. A portion of it will always be with me. Maybe it turns more to regret at that point. Regret that I made one decision over another. I still have regrets from many years ago if I allow myself to go over things in my mind.
 
Another thing that people always say is to “just focus on the happy memories” that you had. This is something I have never been able to do in the beginning stages of grief (for a long time) — I guess because I am still stuck remembering the last days or weeks or even months in a protracted illness. You think of a happy memory and then the pain of knowing it’s all over just comes over you. So how can just trying to remember the happy times help? It does eventually, but for me it takes a long time. I’m sure it’s different for everyone.
 
Amybee and Pandora said:
Thank you all so much for your kind words and looking at photos of her with me and helping me think of happy memories of her. This really helped a lot. I am going to make a donation to the site. Let me know of any other suggestions of good ways I could show my gratitude. I wish you all well with your kitties and generally. It’s actually going to feel really weird not coming and checking here every 5 seconds!
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Take care of yourself. I am going to lose out on getting to know a really special person (that’s you, Amy!)
 
Thank you so so much. Whilst tidying up her things, I have come across her two favourite toys, “Mr and Mrs Spide Spide”. I just got a great happy memory of her chasing them and then kicking seven bells of c**p out of them! I know this is going to take time but this thread has helped me so so much - thank you.
 
Suzanne & Darcy said:
I know you did. It hurts so so much. I’m sitting here crying for you. Do try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. I honestly can’t tell you to just stop feeling guilty or blaming yourself. For me, it’s just part of the whole grieving process. I can’t stop it, although in my mind I can rationally understand at some point in the process that I have to let some of that guilt go. A portion of it will always be with me. Maybe it turns more to regret at that point. Regret that I made one decision over another. I still have regrets from many years ago if I allow myself to go over things in my mind.
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Even just from my brief interaction with you on this forum, I KNOW you did your best for your kitties. And you are on this board helping other people with theirs, and being so invested in them. What you are doing and have done for me is immensely valuable.
 
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don’t beat yourself up. Easier said than done I know. I can still do that to myself after almost 5 yrs but it isn’t healthy. I too have never gotten a cat to 19 so you are a great mama.
My heart hurts for you. I know exactly how you feel. Just try to find some solace knowing she is at peace and she knows she was loved. I wish you peace. That cute little “smudge” face is will always be with you in your heart. Hugs to you :bighug::bighug:
 
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