Charlie now departed and I were on the old forum

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carolina007

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Hello to you all and especially the older members

I don't know if any of you remember me but we were living at the time in Ecuador and then moved to Qatar Middle East and so many of you helped with dear Charlie around 5 - 6 years ago!

Due to circumstances I cannot keep a cat at present (I am back in Scotland now) and for some reason has opened up some kind of open wound of grief and I cannot get my departed Charlie out of my mind - you see in the end I had to have a vet come to us in Qatar and have him put down as he was having some kind of disorientation problems and now looking back maybe I should not have had him put to sleep, I do not wish to upset anyone on the forum at all but I feel so very sad and thinking of him being buried in Qatar is just too much to bear.

Vet help in Qatar was very limited and when the vet put him to sleep I had to help and even the vet said at the time oh he is fighting it - thanks to this wonderful forum I was able to give Charlie his insulin morning and night for 5 years and he was around 19 years old when he was put to sleep.

I can't tell anyone else as my husband simply says oh for goodness sake pull yourself together, even my daughter says oh mum for goodness sake it was a long time ago - no one seems to understand!

To make matters worse I had to wait for the vet at the time to arrive and so I held Charlie in my arms for many hours and to steady my nerves also had a couple of stiff drinks and simply waited for the vet with tears streaming down my face.

I am at a loss why I am grieving so much for him and if anyone out there can just send me a kind word it would be very much appreciated, I blame myself dragging him and our other cat Molly all that way from Scotland to Ecuador etc etc but an animal is for life - Molly was killed for money in Ecuador and returned to us in a plastic bag - that still haunts me but as you all know out there we create a very special bond with our diabetic kitties etc etc.

Any kind words would be very much appreciated.

Lots of love
Carolina
 
Just take time to care for yourself too. It is always hard to loose one of your furies. I sometimes think of my GA's when looking at a post for other GA's
 
We can only do what we can do at the time.. He lived 19 yrs, a long life. Don't second guess yourself.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((CAROLINA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Merlyns been gone since April 29th 2009, and it still feels like yesterday..
 
Hi Lisa and Merlyn (GA)

I remember you! just don't know what has got into me and do not want to upset anyone on the forum but your words mean a lot. I feel for you too about Merlyn and sorry if I have in anyway upset you.

Thanks to you for being so understanding.

It is just that so many people right now do not understand and think I have gone potty over a cat etc etc etc.

Carolina
xx
 
((Hugs)) Deep love means deep grief. Your loss has no time limits and its too bad those around you make you feel guilty for that. If there is one thing I know about this site, its that the people here know and understand the grief we feel.

You did everything you could, and then held him close until you could let him go when to stay would have been more pain and struggle to him. That is true love for our furbabies. Even knowing that, it still hurts. Don't feel guilty about your love of Charlie and your feelings of loss. You shared each other company for many years and that love will remain in your heart forever.
 
Hi Carolina, I am so terribly sorry that you lost your Charlie. But you know, in human bereavement therapy I've heard some people say that their therapist explained to them that grieving was a way to keep your loved one (whatever species they may belong to) present in your life. It says nothing about you as a person, except that you value life and relationships in all forms. It also means that Charlie was very special to you; I don't believe that is either silly, or something to be embarrassed about.

I still feel like the house has a hole in it a year after we lost one of our sister-dogs, Zoey - sometimes when I turn a corner, I so expect to see her there i do see her. My mind simply "fills in the blank". I wasn't even half as close to her as I am to my cat, Rufus.

What happened was tragic, but he lived for nineteen years. You shared as much joy, affection, and true companionship (the kind that many dog-people don't really understand) as Charlie could give you. He would have stayed forever if he could, you know, but everything from divinity to biology says that cats can't. I know you can "live with it", as they say. Maybe you'll just have to go along with him in your heart and mind longer (like forever) than your friends and family would expect someone to.

(I'm sorry if I've offended you in any way. I only thought of the things I would like to be reminded of when I no longer have my cat(s))
 
Hi Carolina, I remember you. It sounds like you havent given yourself time to grieve. Maybe trying to be the one to hold it all together? l ife gets so busy you dont even realize how quickly it goes by. Neglecting yourself becomes easier than dealing with the pain.

You did the best you could No One doubts that. 19 years is a testament to true love. Let yourself grieve. It's time to take care of you.

God bless,
jeanne
 
Thank you to you all from the bottom of my heart - it means so much and all of your words matter.

It is sad that my husband and even my daughter have no idea how I feel but that is nothing new especially with my husband.

Again all of your kind words give me strength

Grateful thanks to you all
Carolina
 
Hi Carolina,
I am a newbie to the website but I do understand, I have always had a feline friend and when I lost my boy before Oscar I was devastated, even to the point when alone one night I brought our sheep dog down from her kennel to keep me company, she is also a very good friend but would prefer her kennel at night!
Your cats would have missed you if left in Scotland as Oscar's always gives a hard time to anyone caring for him when I go away. It is sometimes hard for others to understand how we get so attached to our furry friends but they always give so much and take so little. Try to remember the good times you had and it sounds like Charlie did have a good long life, maybe when things change and you can have another cat it will help. Every pet has a place in our heart but there is always room for a new one, we never replace an old one but just add to the list of good friends in life.
Just remember you gave them your best and lots of love, so many pets never have that.
Cheers Joan
 
((((((((( Carolina )))))))))

Charlie was so very lucky to have you for those 19yrs.
Losing such a dear friend in circumstances where you had poor vet care and support was probably traumatic.
It's certainly understandable why you are still upset. I lost Winnie a little over a year ago and my civie in june. they were both 19 when they passed. It's never enough time. never. and I am just starting to smile at the happy memories from them both. They are family. not everyone understands that. on the board we do !!

I wanted to share, that it has helped me to keep a journal -- write down happy memories as well as my feelings of grief. maybe that would help you ? we also now have an ongoing grief forum on the board. maybe it would also help for you to hang out some over there ?

I am glad you came back to the board and posted. I think your kitties were very lucky to have someone who wouldn't leave them behind and took them along on their journeys.
I hope you can focus on all the love and not the negative stuff. You took great care of them.

take care of you !! wouldn't Charlie want that?
 
Hi

Again thank you for more words of encouragement and yes a good idea think I will try the grief forum - all of you have given me hope - we have been in 9 countries in 12 years and now my husband is planning to move again this time to New Zealand - don't think I can do this - at the moment he is in Saudi Arabia and sulked to the fact I did not go with him but I simply could not stand another move - so yes I need to take care of myself and put ME first and hopefully eventually get another or two kittie friends for I sure can give them love etc but hopefully my circumstances will change and I can have cats again.

It feels good to be in touch again - my husband is here on leave at the moment and said some awful things to me for contacting the forum which filled me with so much heartache - just sensitive at this time.

My sincere thanks again
Carolina and Charlie (GA)
 
Oh Carolina... My name is Carol and my boy was Charlie also. I held him on August 5th, 2009 as the vet in ER eased him on to his forever home, where I will join him someday. He was well over 18, just short of 19.

I'm thinking that you've never cried for many reasons, and I've found to cry properly, one can shut the door to the bedroom, and just sob... then there's burrying your head in a pillow and crying. I've done them all. My Charlie had a massive blood clot to the brain, we rushed him to the ER and there I held his sweet head.

Know that we each are holding you tightly in our hearts, we do feel and understand your pain, and with all the moves you've had... of course it's just now hitting you that he has moved on. I joined FDMB in March of 04. So I probably missed your time on the board. I hope my poem will be of help to you. You are not alone in your grief.


A Rainbow Path
© 2009 by Carol Notermann

I could hear you saying Charlie, in your very gentle way.
You told me that it was all right, I didn’t have to stay.
I was getting very tired, and the pain was leaving too
I closed my eyes a second, and a field came into view.

I still could hear you talking, but you seemed quite far away
Though I longed to be beside you, I just couldn’t seem to stay
For one moment I was with you, and the next I’m running free
I turned my head and there were others, running next to me.

We ran together through the field, and birdies filled the sky.
We chased and played together, then I turned and wondered why?
Why were you not behind me? I wondered where you went.
Then someone was beside me, and He had a lovely scent.

He petted me and told me that I simply had to wait.
That before I‘d time to miss you, you’d be coming through the gate.
He said that very loyal pets, were granted special space
To wait for those who loved them, to see again their face.

So please, know I am waiting with dogs and cats, and many more
For the day that I can see again the face that I adore.
It’s really such a lovely place, there’s no sickness and no pain.
I’ll be so very filled with joy when I see you once again.

Thank you for setting me free.

Charlie
 
Honey, he had a long life and you cared for him as best you could. Your family could be more supportive but I am a firm believer that some day something will happen to them that makes the light dawn. You can't let them make you feel bad. I wonder if you wrote to Charlie, like a long letter, if that would help you at all. That can be very good therapy.
 
Dear Carolina,

I am so sorry for your grief and upset. I am a UK Expat in the USA and after reading your post and having moved around with work and to marry my US hubby I felt compelled to write to you. I wonder if your grief has been brought to the surface and magnified perhaps due to your return to Scotland, perhaps made even more upseting and worse by your return home and the memories you have of your baby there. Its so stressful moving around for work and jobs etc... and it can take its toll on you. You need time to grieve as long as you need, no one should demand the terms of your grief.
You took wonderful care of your sugar baby and 19 years is amazing! You did all that you could in your situation and the love you shared is eternal. Taking your babies with you overseas just shows how much you loved them, you wanted to keep them with you, thats unconditional love and they knew that.
I hope things get easier, you know we understand your sadness and there is always someone here to listen.
Big hugs to you
Allycat xxxx
 
Hello,

I was not on the boards when you were having joined in January 2009 when my dear tiger boy was failing (at 14 1/2 years old). I lost him on June 25th 2009 but had about 6 months with him that I wouldn't have had without these boards. And was I upset when I had to make the decision to let him go and bury him (out in the backyard here under the lilac bush - yes, I wonder if I made the right decision to bury him here because I don't know that we will be staying here long term and I'll need to leave him).

His sister - now 16 years old - is still with me - and again with the help of these boards and vet is still with me - she is hyperthyroid. She's doing pretty well - but when she was 4 years old, she got really really sick. Vet ultimately couldn't figure out what was wrong and we were sent elsewhere - this vet's hunch was correct - and I/we nursed her back to health - she was a rag doll in my arms, she was so sick. I was glad when she started fighting me when she'd get her medicine. My mother was very worried about me because I was so upset over my sick cat. But you know, I've loved all my animals but there is a special place in my heart for my sweet Shannon. She's like my heart/soul cat. I suspect I'll be distraught when the day comes when I need to let her go.

19 is a good long life. It sounds like you gave your cat(s) much love and happiness. I agree they probably would not be happy being left behind and would want to be where you are.

Just like with losing human loved ones, grief can last some time and can resurface. that is okay. I/we understand.

It sounds like you have also made many geographical moves with another possibly coming up. I'm contemplating a change that would involve me moving all of 2 hours and it just about makes me want to not make the move at all. Moving and relocating in and of itself is stressful and can bring up older feelings. I'm sorry your family is not more understanding (my husband can be like that sometimes as well).

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and stay on this board and grief.

Janice
 
Hello to you all and recent comments and replies.

I had a tear in my eye that all of you took the time of day to say so many wonderful words - kindness in itself. To those of you who have lost their loved ones I feel for you all and for those that continue to work hard for their kitties with their diabetes wish there were more people like us in the world.

Yes coming back here in fact did open far too many wounds - I have been sick for the last year and no one can find out what is wrong - so I guess twofold trying to get better and dealing with grief as well - I am sure a lot of you have been through the same.

I am trying to write this quickly as when my husband comes back and sees me on the computer he will go mad etc.

Just wanted to hook up with you all and thank you once again from the bottom of my heart. I will print off the poem and keep it with me so on bad days just reading it will give me some hope etc.

Love to you all for now
Carolina
 
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