Bama Kitty Mom (GA)
Member Since 2018
Previous post: 1/13 Bama Kitty AMPS 236 +4 199;PMPS 129
Dear Friends,
I am broken and grieving deeply as I write this. Over the past few days it became increasingly clear that I could not go on like this. To continue treatment or to try other avenues for Bama's CKD would just be detours that would eventually lead me back to the same place. A place of futility and a certainty that this journey for him would end in death. I could not give him a new kidney. He was tired, his food loathsome--wet food, kibble, treats, and Bisque. He tried a bite or two or just sniffed and turned away. And he was thirsty--always thirsty. Increasing his sub-q fluids didn't help. Increasing Ondansetron injections controlled the nausea to some extent until they wore off. Could I have continued increasing frequency or dosage? Sure, but after that, then what? I didn't want him to go through the worst of what was coming in kidney failure. I was up and down with him day and night, my financial resources limited and my physical, mental and emotional reserves depleted. I felt like I was losing my ability to function. I had done all I could do for him so I made the painful decision to let him go. My rational, logical mind offers all the foregoing as suitable reasons. My heart just asks, "Why?"
I loved him fiercely. I poured my life into him. In many ways he became my life. In the end I failed him. Then I betrayed him. Sounds contradictory. Two seemingly opposite viewpoints both true. Yes, I fully believe I did my best for him and that my best was flawed, a failure and the euthanasia betrayal. Never underestimate the mind's ability to hold two conflicting views in tandem.
Many of you write condolences that speak of angel wings, flying free and crossing over the Rainbow Bridge where pets roam and play happy and healthy. That is an understandable, near universal need we have to believe in something beyond death for ourselves, our beloved humans and pets. Our Creator God put that yearning for something more--even Someone--who is greater and infinite and surpasses our earthly understanding and existence. "He made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity in their hearts. . . ."[Ecclesiastes 3:11]
So what is my belief? I side with the Apostle Paul who writes in Romans 8:18-21: "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God." [emphasis mine]
This leads to my belief as stated in the Heidelberg Catechism question and answer--"What is your only comfort in life and death?
That I am not my own, but belong body and soul, both in life and in death to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; indeed all things must work together for my salvation."
Thank you all for your advice, your care for Bama and me, your knowledge and wisdom and understanding. I will be mostly off the boards while I take some time to heal but will check in for your responses.
Dear Friends,
I am broken and grieving deeply as I write this. Over the past few days it became increasingly clear that I could not go on like this. To continue treatment or to try other avenues for Bama's CKD would just be detours that would eventually lead me back to the same place. A place of futility and a certainty that this journey for him would end in death. I could not give him a new kidney. He was tired, his food loathsome--wet food, kibble, treats, and Bisque. He tried a bite or two or just sniffed and turned away. And he was thirsty--always thirsty. Increasing his sub-q fluids didn't help. Increasing Ondansetron injections controlled the nausea to some extent until they wore off. Could I have continued increasing frequency or dosage? Sure, but after that, then what? I didn't want him to go through the worst of what was coming in kidney failure. I was up and down with him day and night, my financial resources limited and my physical, mental and emotional reserves depleted. I felt like I was losing my ability to function. I had done all I could do for him so I made the painful decision to let him go. My rational, logical mind offers all the foregoing as suitable reasons. My heart just asks, "Why?"
I loved him fiercely. I poured my life into him. In many ways he became my life. In the end I failed him. Then I betrayed him. Sounds contradictory. Two seemingly opposite viewpoints both true. Yes, I fully believe I did my best for him and that my best was flawed, a failure and the euthanasia betrayal. Never underestimate the mind's ability to hold two conflicting views in tandem.
Many of you write condolences that speak of angel wings, flying free and crossing over the Rainbow Bridge where pets roam and play happy and healthy. That is an understandable, near universal need we have to believe in something beyond death for ourselves, our beloved humans and pets. Our Creator God put that yearning for something more--even Someone--who is greater and infinite and surpasses our earthly understanding and existence. "He made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity in their hearts. . . ."[Ecclesiastes 3:11]
So what is my belief? I side with the Apostle Paul who writes in Romans 8:18-21: "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God." [emphasis mine]
This leads to my belief as stated in the Heidelberg Catechism question and answer--"What is your only comfort in life and death?
That I am not my own, but belong body and soul, both in life and in death to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; indeed all things must work together for my salvation."
Thank you all for your advice, your care for Bama and me, your knowledge and wisdom and understanding. I will be mostly off the boards while I take some time to heal but will check in for your responses.
