BigMac's Last day

What happened...

Thank you everyone. Your kind words do help. The grief comes over me like huge waves.. then I can pull myself together for a while... until the next wave. So many of you know exactly what I mean and my heart goes out to you as well. Grieving with me causes you a lot of pain too. I know this and I thank you for doing it anyway.

My BigMac tried so hard to make it. He was always so healthy except for his diabetes which was easily treated and remission easily found.

For the last few days I was worried that he was not going to make it. I stayed with him longer and longer at each visit and each visit I'd tell the techs, I don't want him to die in this metal cage, please tell me if I should take him home. Last night I sat with him for an hour as he rested in my arms. I cried quietly and the tech was wondering why. I told her again I was worried. She got the doctor who told me that BigMac was this way because of the buprenorphine they had given him earlier. I wasn't convinced and didn't say much. They called the Internal Medicine doc (this was 10 pm) and he said to discontinue the bupe for the next day.

I begged them to tell me if this was hopeless because I did NOT want him to die in that cage. I want him home. Everyone said he was doing better. I don't know if they believed that or not but they had removed his e-collar. While it was good that he could put is head on me directly... it seemed to me to be an ominous sign.

Today I came in and he had been cleaned up and bandages changed. He looked so exhausted. They had to sedate him to change some of the lines and the doctor said that was why he was so tired. I had arrived while he was still groggy from the sedation (they said.) Again I asked that they tell me if we should stop so he could be with me at home. (I asked that question about 6 times.) But the doctor seemed to think he could recover and he started talking about feeding and what kinds of food, how much etc.

BigMac and I stayed in that cage for another hour after that and he rested his head on my hip and I laid my hand on his back. I was with him from about noon to 3 pm. I came home and had picked up the phone to call my regular vet to ask her to call the hospital and ask the IM doctors if they really thought there was any hope. I was scared that they were not being honest with me.

With my hand on the phone, my cell phone rang. It was the hospital and the doctor said "something is going on with BigMac." I said I'd be right there. I was there within 10 minutes.

I was hurried into the ICU and he was on the treatment table with the doctor and techs surrounding him. He was unconscious. The doctor told me he was non-responsive and his third eyelid was all the way up.

When he heard me come into the room and say his name, he rose up and looked at me and meowed softly. BigMac gave me his last gift of love. We were able to be together for a little while and he responded to my arms holding him and my voice for several beautiful minutes. cat_pet_icon

But he was in pain and starting to moan. The doctors said he was septic and there was no hope.

I am devastated.

(((((CD)))))
Liz, Anne, Zener and Tillie

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

No words...

I'm so glad you got to see him one more time...

Tanya

Carolyn, honey, we are all devastated...

I am so glad BigMac had those last moments w/you by his side & he knew you were there.

Desi

Oh Carolyn......I just want to give you a big ole hug. I was praying our BigMac....and for you.

He was so lucky to have such a caring and selfless bean.....you were the best and did everything you could for him. He was waiting for you at the end because you were such a comfort to him. You helped him thru thick and thin and in the end you were able help him cross the Rainbow Bridge.

We are all here for you. Whenever you need us...we are here.


((((((Carolyn))))))) (((((((BigMac))))))

We are devastated with you.

I am ever so grateful that you were his parting image, the voice he heard, the touch he felt, the scent he knew so well, the love he always knew. There is a bond there that will never be forgotten, by either of you. He will be with you always - in your heart, your soul, your mind's eye.

I will hold all of you close to my heart.

(((((((Carolyn)))))

today heaven gained two angels...BigMac and my grandma.....

i'm so sorry Carolyn.....you two had a special bond...he knew...he waited....

at a loss for words.....

(((Carolyn)))

I am so thankful that at the end he knew you and that you were able to tell each other what you needed to. I know he left surrounded by the warmth and certain knowledge of your love, seeing and hearing the face and voice he loved the most.

There is no happy way to part with your beloved friend. You and he tried, you gave it everything, and you fought til you could fight no more. There is great bravery in that.

I pray that he sends you a sign that he is looking down upon you. I pray that you can find peace in the days ahead. I wish that I could take some of your pain. I know that I have shed many tears, ones that I am honored to shed for the legendary BigMac. You are a friend to all of us here. You did right by him, even knowing as you did that he was growing tired. You did right by your boy.

I pray for quietness in your heart and gentle memories.

The bond you shared was so sacred that BigMac waited for you to be with him.

There is no greater love, Carolyn.

I know you can feel the outpouring of love from the multitude of hearts touched by you & your wonderful boy...
may it bring you some measure of comfort in days to come.

There is an incomparable new star shining in the heavens tonight, and an ineffable sorrow shadowing the earth below.

Celi, Binks, Smudge, and Annie

I am speechless and full of tears. BigMac, you sweet beautiful soul... Donovan felt a special kinship with you, and he will be so happy to greet you at the Bridge. And Butthead will drive you anywhere you want to visit. But make sure you visit your wonderful Mom first. She needs to know you're happy and healthy now.

love always,
MJ & Donovan's and Butthead's spirits... :cry:

Oh, Carolyn, you and I wrote about how important it was to be there in the end, and you know my story. I am so devastated with the news, but also, so very relieved to hear you made it in time to be with BigMac in the end. I am so thankful that you did whatever it took to be with him, and you will be comforted with that for the rest of your life. I'm just so thankful you went and knew what to do. BigMac will truly be with you forever in your heart and in your soul. I'm not sure if you saw the post yesterday at 1:30AM, I wrote to you and BigMac. I was awake and could not sleep, so I went on the computer and felt an overwhelming need to be close to him. So I wrote on the post before I went to bed. I guess now I know what that was.

I had a lot of tears when I read the post from Marje, but I feel so much better that you were there at the end. In BigMac's mind, I'm sure all he felt was mommy is with me, and its time to sleep, just like any other day.

I'm sending you healing vines, and lots of hugs to get through this hard thing you will have to do, to let go, a little, so BigMac can go and play with all the other kitties that have gone before him.

So so sorry for your loss. :YMHUG:

((((((((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))) I just came to check ing= and saw this. My heart breaks for you. I am so glad you made it back to be with him in the end. You and BigMac tried so hard, but it was time.

Fly Free, BigMac! You are free of all the pain and tube and the cage. Watch over Carolyn from the Bridge as she watched over you these last weeks.

((((Carolyn))))) Thank you for sharing this with us.....knowing that only this group could understand. The bond you and BigMac share.....it is eternal. He wanted you to know it was ok to let go.

We cry....our babies cry with you. All of Lantus Land feels this profound loss.

I can't express how sorry I am for your loss.

Amy & Ruby

((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))

You're right -- I am sharing your grief. I am thankful that you could be with your boy and despite, his pain and illness, he knew you were there with him and would give him the final, most difficult gift so he could be at peace. It had to have been an incredibly difficult decision for you. We all have been hoping along with you that BigMac would rally.

Right now, I know how much your heart is hurting. With time, you will smile at all of the wonderful memories. BigMac will never be truly gone. He will be in your heart until you are reunited. Until that time, like Linda, I hope BigMac sends you a sign that he is watching over you.

A while ago, WCF shared the fable of The Loving Ones with me. It is bittersweet but ultimately, I found it comforting. I hope you will gain some solace from it, as well.

oh wow. He waited for you to get there and woke up for you. That's just amazing. ((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((( Carolyn )))))))))))))))
I'm so glad you were able to be with him...

((((((Carolyn))))))
You were there in time. BigMac waited for you to return. He wanted to tell you that it was OK. He loves you so much and he will watch over you until you meet again. May your wonderful memories of your brave, handsome boy comfort you now.
Love is eternal.

In deepest sympathy,

Ella & Edward, Rusty, and Stu

Oh, Carolyn. :cry: I just checked in from work to see how your boy was doing. When I saw the candle I felt like I'd been punched in the gut - I really thought he was getting better. I am so, so sorry for your loss and for what you must be going through now. All of Lantus Land is grieving with you tonight. :YMHUG:

BigMac, you are a very special boy and you are very loved. Fly free and land softly. wings_cat

Oh ((((((Carolyn))))) my heart is broken for you. I was hoping so hard for his recovery.

he waited for you carolyn . . . your voice woke him up so he could say farewell. what a gift. you two shared something very special - it was always evident when you spoke of him. a love like that is a rare thing to be treasured.

some kitties are bigger than life, and Big Mac, our favorite little cheeseburger, was one of them.

we're sure gonna miss him. surrounding you in love, hon.

((((((((((((((CAROLYN))))))))))))))) I am absolutely Lost For Words..I am Hurting so so so for you....
Together we stand, in sadness & pain, with tears or happiness,we are here for you,no matter what!
I know the pain is breathtaking...But you were with him at the end And That means so so much...
All LL is grieving with you, our hearts are so heavy...Love you Kiddo!

(((Carolyn))) So many of us know exactly what you are going through and we are here to support you... :YMHUG:
So glad you were there in time to hold him... cat_pet_icon
Take care..

((Carolyn)) my friend - you have been so heavy on my mind and in my heart since I saw that our beautiful boy had left and my biggest concern was that you did not get back there to be with him. What a blessing that he waited until you got there and gave you that last look of love - that is so important. I knew how you felt about him being in the cage and am so glad you got there to be with him.

We are all devastated with you. It seemed he had overcome the obstacles and was doing well - he fought so hard as did you - but his little body just couldn't do it.

We know he's out of pain - but we're left with real pain here. Each of us who have come to know him through you and your posts and the love you shared feel the pain with you - many tears are flowing tonight for your handsome boy and for you. Deep sorrow that he couldn't stay.

However, a HUGE part of him will NEVER leave this board - because he and you have become such a huge part of it and of our lives. He became a legend - one of the unforgettable ones on the board - and will remain in our hearts forever.

I'm sending many comforting prayers and hugs your way - Bob sends a big hug also - we loved him too - through you.

Please know that you will remain in my thoughts and heart even though I don't try to call - we grieve with you - and if I can do anything at all, please call me - if only to talk.

Love you,

Emmy & Dude (& Mittsi and Bob too)

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”

Oh, Carolyn.

You were such a comfort to me when Scruffy left, and I would so much like to be able to say something magic that would make all this unbearable pain and sadness go away - and bring you back your sweet boy, whole and happy. Only all these tears are flowing again.....

May you will find peace in the knowledge that you and BigMac had such a special bond, one that cannot be broken. And that he knew - he KNEW - at the end that you were there for him once more, and for always. And I hope that, sometime soon, you will feel his head once more resting in your hand, just to let you know that he's still here.

There aren't enough words to tell you how terribly sorry and sad I am for you. I guess now we just have to wait for them to tell us messages "from across the stars......"

I am so sorry for you loss.
I know your heart is breaking right now.
You were always there for him and were able to be there for him at the very end.
That is a true gift.

Fly free sweet angel.

Oh no, not BigMac!! My heart is crying reading this. He waited for you to send him off. That is a true bond. He is in no more pain, Carolyn. Just as my Shiloh, he is now free. ((CD)) Donna

Oh how I sobbed reading this post. The beauty and love between you at the end, such a gift and yet so bittersweet at the same time. We all share your grief as we all know that unbreakable bond we have with our little furbabies. We take them into our hearts, regardless of the knowledge that that inevitable day will come when we have to say goodbye. Take comfort in the joy and love you shared and while he may be physically gone, that love will never die.

Lean on us as well all share your sorrow.

Carolyn,

I'm at a loss for words. You've just been so brave throughout this whole nightmare. Between BigMac's surgery and your granddaughter's complications, and now losing BigMac! Life is so unfair sometimes. You did everything you could to keep him here and well. It just wasn't to be. Thank goodness he held on to say goodbye to you and share that special love one more time. I'm just so sorry you lost him and am crying with you. We all loved him through your eyes and your stories.

I hope your granddaughter is doing well.

Please take care of yourself and get some rest and dream of all the good times you and BigMac had together. It's time to give yourself a break.

Melanie & Racci

(((Carolyn))) Thank you for sharing those precious last minutes with BigMac with us. He waited for you. My heart goes out to you. We are all so heartbroken. Hugs and prayers.

Carolyn,

You and BigMac have touched all of our hearts and souls here. His spirit lives on with all of us, but most of all he will always be with you. LL is grieving today, but is also celebrating BigMac's amazing and inspirational life. My deepest sympathy to you...

Amy

{{{{{Carolyn}}}}}
Thank You, Thank You for writing that post to us...I know it was so difficult....but sharing with us the circumstances of his last day has helped the goodbyes to BigMac a little easier....knowing that you were with him......knowing that you two were together!! It is a consolation that you were there and that he was able to be awake enough to respond so beautifully to you.
It is still so very hard for us all....and for you dear friend....to bear this grief...
I so admire you and all you have done for him Carolyn....your strength and love meant so very much to him....
he will be close to you always....
Farewell and fly free Dear BigMac...until we meet again...

he waited for you Carolyn...
(I wish we could go back a day too :sad: )

last nite, I told Luna his burger buddy, Big Mac,
the kitty who helped with his video, passed away, and I hugged him close to me.

we are holding you close in our hearts
(((((hugs)))))

(((Carolyn))) there are no words that I can say to make this better, I wish there were. All I can do is cry with you. I am so very sorry that BigMac has passed. My prayers are with you.

Pattie

Such a special end to a very special life. What an amazing bond you shared, he saved his last ounce of energy and waited for you to return to him so you could be together at the end and share one final love - he won't leave your side again.

Words cannot express my sorrow and yet I know that what I'm feeling is nothing compared to the grief you will be experiencing. I wish I could take some of your pain from you, but I wish more that I could bring him back, healthy and pain free.

I will never forget your BigMac with his beautiful big eyes so full of love for you as seen through your camera. You both fought so hard and it just seems so unfair that it wasn't enough.

I'm so sorry ((((Carolyn))))

((Carolyn)) I'm glad that Big Mac was able to wait for you to arrive. I wish I was there with my Squishy when he passed but at least Dr. P was with him and on the phone with me when Squishy took his trip to the Bridge :cry:

((Big hugs))

How amazing that you two had that moment together! A true testament to the love you both share.
Thank you, Carolyn, for sharing BigMac's life with us. We are all heartbroken. All our kitties have a guardian angel now. I hope that you can feel our energy lifting you up in the days ahead.

*tears* Oh Carolyn .. I'm so sorry .. It isn't fair .. after all you two have been through, how hard you both fought .. It breaks my heart and I grieve with you ..

((((Carolyn)))), I am so heartbroken for you and know how hard it is to even be able to talk about your feelings right now. Sometimes, we just want to shut down and build up a wall so it won't hurt as much. We in LL are here for you and know and feel your pain. I was so worried that you were not able to see BigMac before he passed. What a special gift he gave you...despite being so sick, he was able to call to you one last time and spend a moment together. That one gift shows the incredible bond you two had.

{{{{{{{{{CAROLYN}}}}}}}}}}

Oh Carolyn-

My heart so hurts for you. It does not ease the loss or the empty place but know that Big Mac is with all the kitties he has ever helped and they have welcomed him into the fold. He will always be with you in your heart.

There are no words to express how very sorry I am. Big Mac was always larger than life and was a very special kitty. Please know I am thinking about you and holding you very close in my heart. ((((Carolyn))))

So sorry to hear this. Prayers to you.

((((((Carolyn))))))

I cannot even express how sorry I am. Big Mac was one special guy. He put up a very good fight despite every surgery and every obstacle, but he knew when it was time to give up that fight. I am so glad that you got to see him.


My heart breaks for you. You are in my thoughts.

Fly free sweet boy. wings_cat

(((Carolyn))), in the midst of the horrible sadness of Big Mac's last journey I too am so glad that you had that time with him.

It's been a horrible few months with so many of our beloved babies leaving but I'm sure they were all there to greet your boy when he got there. Yes, even my Moochmonster I bet was there to welcome your burger boy.

I'm just so sorry for you, Carolyn, but not for Big Mac. He is whole and happy and has the best ever mama a kitty could have!

I'm new here so I don't know Big Mac as well as everyone else, but I just wanted to say that your story has touched my heart. We are here to share your pain. May your heart heal and be left with the happiest memories of your sweet kitty to stay with you always.

Fly Free Dear BigMac.
Dana